Saturday, January 28, 2017

I want to be better

I want to be a better person for you, but I do not want it to be in vain.  If I improve, will you do the same?  If I conquer my own addiction, will you fight yours?  I cannot continue feeling unimportant and abused.  I know it isn't intentional, but there it is.  I am not sure if, even without the addictions, we can continue this relationship.  Whatever pieces are left of it.

I hate being torn apart like this.  Do I love you?  Can I stand you?  Are you nearly perfect?  Are we worth it?

Being with you means potentially hurting people and losing friends.  Because they're tired of seeing me go through this torture again and again.

But being with you, I feel like there's something there I've never had with anyone else.  I don't know if I'll ever get it again.

[side note:  i unintentionally invite drama into my life]

And now a child.  I hate the name you picked for her, but I still hope she is yours.  I wish beyond all hope that we could be a family, but I am so scared we just can't be together like that.  Maybe we are better off as just friends.  At least then we don't hate each other, and we can pretend that we don't have trust issues.