I want to be better

I want to be a better person for you, but I do not want it to be in vain.  If I improve, will you do the same?  If I conquer my own addiction, will you fight yours?  I cannot continue feeling unimportant and abused.  I know it isn't intentional, but there it is.  I am not sure if, even without the addictions, we can continue this relationship.  Whatever pieces are left of it.

I hate being torn apart like this.  Do I love you?  Can I stand you?  Are you nearly perfect?  Are we worth it?

Being with you means potentially hurting people and losing friends.  Because they're tired of seeing me go through this torture again and again.

But being with you, I feel like there's something there I've never had with anyone else.  I don't know if I'll ever get it again.

[side note:  i unintentionally invite drama into my life]

And now a child.  I hate the name you picked for her, but I still hope she is yours.  I wish beyond all hope that we could be a family, but I am so scared we just can't be together like that.  Maybe we are better off as just friends.  At least then we don't hate each other, and we can pretend that we don't have trust issues.

What it's like to be me

How dare he?  He's late.  If he got injured, would anyone tell me?  How about if he died?  Would I even know?

Obviously, he decided to spend the night.  How like him to not bother trying to get hold of me.  He'll say he didn't have my number.  Of course he doesn't have my number.  He doesn't care enough about me to carry my number with him.  He just got that new ipod.  He can put my number in it, but I bet he didn't.  He's so freaking selfish!

Or he's at home already and didn't tell me when he got in.  He's either sleeping through the call or ignoring it.  He doesn't care that my anxiety is keeping me awake.  He doesn't get it.

Oh there's one of the guys he was with.  Why isn't he with this guy?  Why is this guy bow knocking on my guy's door?  Isn't he with you? 

Yes, he's home but now he's going to the neighbor's house--that guy he was with earlier till 315am, only 15 minutes later than usual.  Probably to drink more.  Wouldn't surprise me if they're doing drugs.

I was hoping to compromise and cuddle with him tomorrow while he slept, but I know "maybe" really means "no" in the end.  And now he's staying up even later, so that makes it more definitive as a "no.". He doesn't really care about me.  He'd be okay with only seeing me once a week unless he wanted sex.

Now I'm hurt and angry and distrustful, and all he did was get drunk with some friends from work which he said he was planning on doing often (every week, I'm sure) and was 15 minutes later than usual.  He went downstairs to see the damages the guy's girlfriend did, I'm sure.  He was home 10-15 minutes later.  But it was too late.

I was shaking mad.  Ended up doing some dishes to alleviate some of the shakes.  I'm so tired of ending up more upset at myself for reacting like this.  I'm tired period.  Been up for 2 hours because of him and my irrational thoughts.  I treat him a bit on the poor side and he just ignores me.

In reality, we won't last much longer.  I just wish he would break up with me and want to stay friends.

I had forgotten about this blog

But I'm back now.  And I should probably update all my fictitious readers.

I lied.  In a previous post.  Truth is, my mind wanders all the friggin time.  I had my screw-ups. 

I wasn't happy OR content with my husband.  We've been separated 7 months (minus a few days).  I'm in the process of getting a divorce.

Because of childcare issues, I decided to give my ex primary custody, but I'm too afraid to tell anyone in my family except for my mother.  It hurts :/

I am seeing someone new, and we've been together for about 3-4 months now.  He wasn't the reason for the divorce.  I didn't leave my husband for someone else.  I wasn't expecting this relationship at all.  Or any for that matter.

Really?

I have two married men and one single man hitting on me hardcore *sigh*

Where did this come from all of a sudden?  I'm so confused.

Oh, if I were still who I used to be when I was 18 -_-  and not married.

How can I not be tempted?  Thanks, Satan *sigh*

I wish I were more confrontational than I used to be.  One of the men insists I've grown from who I was (just based on stories I've told him) in this particular department, but I don't think so.  If I were cornered, I'd so fail that test.  Let's hope I don't get in that situation :(

Losing a Ghost

I see these pictures
that remind me of you
or at least the "you" I knew

A connection
severed long ago
Oh, how I strove
just to get it back

Years go by
with more distance between us
even though physically closer

I saw what you were
and what you've done to her
but I still mourn

Because I see these pictures
that remind me of you
or at least the "you" I knew

I loved you once
sister to brother
but you abandoned us
and we'll never know why

I guess that's just who you are

Seriously!?

So one of my poke-buddies just messaged me... and by poke-buddy I mean on facebook so don't get any dirty ideas, readers :p

Anyway, he randomly messaged me about how if we were both single, he'd be in trouble because I'm gorgeous.  o0

He's married to a gal I used to work with.  And he's maybe older than my own dad.

What's with all the older guys??????
I'm married, dude.  I'm sorry, but I'm just not interested.
Don't take it personally.  My mind doesn't often wander to other fields.  I'm quite content in the field I'm currently in.

P.

Work Over Church

So much for a spiritual leader...
I'm sick.  So much so I barely have a voice.  I texted my husband in plenty of time for church that he should take the toddler (who asks every day if we are going to church) but I would be staying home.
If he left now, he would be late.  I asked him if he was going and he said "hadn't planned on it".
Giving him the benefit of the doubt, I asked where his phone was and told him I texted him twice.  He got the first one.  He told me he got the first one and then said something incoherent.  I said "so you just didn't care" and he said "okay we'll go with that one" in a sarcastic mood.
Is it so much to ask for him to go to church?  He SAYS he wants to go more often but then he doesn't go.
I'm assuming he's working on a writing gig of his, but seriously church is an hour long.  OMG, he'll miss an hour.  And I'll get an hour of peace with no child bursting in on my much needed rest.

P.