I want to be better

I want to be a better person for you, but I do not want it to be in vain.  If I improve, will you do the same?  If I conquer my own addiction, will you fight yours?  I cannot continue feeling unimportant and abused.  I know it isn't intentional, but there it is.  I am not sure if, even without the addictions, we can continue this relationship.  Whatever pieces are left of it.

I hate being torn apart like this.  Do I love you?  Can I stand you?  Are you nearly perfect?  Are we worth it?

Being with you means potentially hurting people and losing friends.  Because they're tired of seeing me go through this torture again and again.

But being with you, I feel like there's something there I've never had with anyone else.  I don't know if I'll ever get it again.

[side note:  i unintentionally invite drama into my life]

And now a child.  I hate the name you picked for her, but I still hope she is yours.  I wish beyond all hope that we could be a family, but I am so scared we just can't be together like that.  Maybe we are better off as just friends.  At least then we don't hate each other, and we can pretend that we don't have trust issues.

What it's like to be me

How dare he?  He's late.  If he got injured, would anyone tell me?  How about if he died?  Would I even know?

Obviously, he decided to spend the night.  How like him to not bother trying to get hold of me.  He'll say he didn't have my number.  Of course he doesn't have my number.  He doesn't care enough about me to carry my number with him.  He just got that new ipod.  He can put my number in it, but I bet he didn't.  He's so freaking selfish!

Or he's at home already and didn't tell me when he got in.  He's either sleeping through the call or ignoring it.  He doesn't care that my anxiety is keeping me awake.  He doesn't get it.

Oh there's one of the guys he was with.  Why isn't he with this guy?  Why is this guy bow knocking on my guy's door?  Isn't he with you? 

Yes, he's home but now he's going to the neighbor's house--that guy he was with earlier till 315am, only 15 minutes later than usual.  Probably to drink more.  Wouldn't surprise me if they're doing drugs.

I was hoping to compromise and cuddle with him tomorrow while he slept, but I know "maybe" really means "no" in the end.  And now he's staying up even later, so that makes it more definitive as a "no.". He doesn't really care about me.  He'd be okay with only seeing me once a week unless he wanted sex.

Now I'm hurt and angry and distrustful, and all he did was get drunk with some friends from work which he said he was planning on doing often (every week, I'm sure) and was 15 minutes later than usual.  He went downstairs to see the damages the guy's girlfriend did, I'm sure.  He was home 10-15 minutes later.  But it was too late.

I was shaking mad.  Ended up doing some dishes to alleviate some of the shakes.  I'm so tired of ending up more upset at myself for reacting like this.  I'm tired period.  Been up for 2 hours because of him and my irrational thoughts.  I treat him a bit on the poor side and he just ignores me.

In reality, we won't last much longer.  I just wish he would break up with me and want to stay friends.

I had forgotten about this blog

But I'm back now.  And I should probably update all my fictitious readers.

I lied.  In a previous post.  Truth is, my mind wanders all the friggin time.  I had my screw-ups. 

I wasn't happy OR content with my husband.  We've been separated 7 months (minus a few days).  I'm in the process of getting a divorce.

Because of childcare issues, I decided to give my ex primary custody, but I'm too afraid to tell anyone in my family except for my mother.  It hurts :/

I am seeing someone new, and we've been together for about 3-4 months now.  He wasn't the reason for the divorce.  I didn't leave my husband for someone else.  I wasn't expecting this relationship at all.  Or any for that matter.

Really?

I have two married men and one single man hitting on me hardcore *sigh*

Where did this come from all of a sudden?  I'm so confused.

Oh, if I were still who I used to be when I was 18 -_-  and not married.

How can I not be tempted?  Thanks, Satan *sigh*

I wish I were more confrontational than I used to be.  One of the men insists I've grown from who I was (just based on stories I've told him) in this particular department, but I don't think so.  If I were cornered, I'd so fail that test.  Let's hope I don't get in that situation :(

Losing a Ghost

I see these pictures
that remind me of you
or at least the "you" I knew

A connection
severed long ago
Oh, how I strove
just to get it back

Years go by
with more distance between us
even though physically closer

I saw what you were
and what you've done to her
but I still mourn

Because I see these pictures
that remind me of you
or at least the "you" I knew

I loved you once
sister to brother
but you abandoned us
and we'll never know why

I guess that's just who you are

Seriously!?

So one of my poke-buddies just messaged me... and by poke-buddy I mean on facebook so don't get any dirty ideas, readers :p

Anyway, he randomly messaged me about how if we were both single, he'd be in trouble because I'm gorgeous.  o0

He's married to a gal I used to work with.  And he's maybe older than my own dad.

What's with all the older guys??????
I'm married, dude.  I'm sorry, but I'm just not interested.
Don't take it personally.  My mind doesn't often wander to other fields.  I'm quite content in the field I'm currently in.

P.

Work Over Church

So much for a spiritual leader...
I'm sick.  So much so I barely have a voice.  I texted my husband in plenty of time for church that he should take the toddler (who asks every day if we are going to church) but I would be staying home.
If he left now, he would be late.  I asked him if he was going and he said "hadn't planned on it".
Giving him the benefit of the doubt, I asked where his phone was and told him I texted him twice.  He got the first one.  He told me he got the first one and then said something incoherent.  I said "so you just didn't care" and he said "okay we'll go with that one" in a sarcastic mood.
Is it so much to ask for him to go to church?  He SAYS he wants to go more often but then he doesn't go.
I'm assuming he's working on a writing gig of his, but seriously church is an hour long.  OMG, he'll miss an hour.  And I'll get an hour of peace with no child bursting in on my much needed rest.

P.

Ferguson

"Some say his hands were up
Others say he was charging aggressively with no signs of backing down even after being shot multiple times (proof the original intention was to maim and not to murder if this is correct)
Video says he was a violent delinquent...

I know nothing, but since I'm white, I cannot speak on behalf of the cop who MAY have actually been doing the right thing or else get accused of being racist.  Makes sense to me."
~a post I saw on a social media site.

Reverse racism exists too, whether you like to believe it or not.  But because of our ancestries, we must bow down to those we have hurt in the past and forever be indebted to them.  There is no middle line to the white people.  There are those who hate and those who feel we must wrong every right by believing every black kid killed was because of hate.

I sit here on the fence and watch, scared to say how I really feel because of the hate spewed from both sides... though mostly the hate of the black people.  I am not racist.  I just observe.

Not every white cop who kills a black person is a bad cop.  Not every cop is a bad cop, period.

Yeah, I'm gonna get a lot of hate for this, but it needs to be said and I'm not the only one who feels this way.

P.

wtf did i do?

and I'm left wondering what I did wrong
30 minutes for a day
and you won't even come to bed
get up before the sun
and you go to bed
I'm sick of this
don't give me crap about how you had shit to do
it's called priorites and fucking time management
don't fucking game all day
(or whatever the hell you were doing under that guise)
and then come home at midnight
you don't want to wake me up
but I texted you so you knew I was awake
you still didn't come to bed
until 6am
and I'm left wondering what I did wrong

Really need to rethink my friendships...

Most of my friends are immature or dicks or the nasty combination of both... Oh, and I forgot to mention just downright stupid.

Doing something against the rules?  Know the risk?  Do it anyway?  And then get mad when people talk and you get in trouble?  Stupidity.
Well, then again you are just being stupid by doing what you are doing anyway.  But since I'm your friend, I don't want to say anything.  Of course, it's not like we hang out a lot anyway so is your friendship *really* that important?  Then again, is it worth telling you that you are making a mistake and knew the risks so you shouldn't be mad that you were found out worth it?  You won't listen anyway... I know your type.
Especially when we warned you against this behavior in the first place.  Really need to start avoiding people under the age of 20 no matter how many things we have in common.

Then there are the ones who will gladly *want* to hang out, but when it comes to actually hanging out it's more out of their convenience.  And then not tell you when they are leaving your place when you're not there.  So much for actually hanging out.  I understand our schedules sucked, but COMMUNICATION!!!!!!!  And you never apologized...

I have like one really good Christian friend in this whole mess and I can't even get her alone to tell her what's really been on my heart lately and feel awkward bringing it up around her mother or grandkids... :(

So I'm pretty much alone.  And it sucks.

But hey I have work!  At least I can keep my mind off of things.  And I do enjoy hanging out with that one friend that I just mentioned.  The other friend that I hang out with is so totally ADHD that even the meds don't seem to be helping much.  I think of him as a little brother and he is older than me.  Yeah, that bad lol.
He's the one that talked and basically turned the first person in without meaning to.  She is very angry at him and I so want to tell her she knew the risks.

"If it's truly love, you could have waited to date until it wasn't a problem."  All I gotta say.

Po1s0n.

Stacked shells

I'm sitting here bored and hungry while my husband "works" instead of doing homework for his class tonight. What he is working on has no due date.  But now that I have mentioned that I'm hungry and he knows I'm waiting on him, I try to make something here he will just get all pissy. If say anything it will have the same result. So I can do nothing.

Selfishness

I feel like this title has benn used before but I don't really care.

I get off work, mention that I had a chicken leg, had two seconds worth of discussion about how I wish we could have brought a rotisserie home. Then he talks about his pathfinder character and anything else he can think of that pertains to him. Doesn't even bother to ask how my day went. It's like...umm...does he even care?

It's the little things that tip the iceberg.

And he wonders why I have to make an hourly choice to love him...

P.

Journaling: Deep in Thought

Bought a couple of books at the getaway.  One is called S.O.S. Sick of Sex and the other is called Intimate Issues (21 questions women ask about sex).  Both are basically devotionals and true to devotional style, I'm supposed to read a chapter a week.  This is me we're talking about.  A chapter a week??  I can't do that.  I wanna read it all at once!
So anyway, I read the first chapter of S.O.S. and realized something:  Things I had brushed off and said didn't hurt me?  I shelved them and pretended they didn't exist.  I escaped.  I locked away all feelings regarding those issues and push them back into their kennel whenever they try to get out.

I wrote down a dozen people who wronged me (though one of those is actually a group of people and not just one person).  A dozen.  And that might not even be all of them.

1 caused at least 20 years of pain for me, mostly emotional though some physical as well.
1 sexually abused me, but that wasn't the entirety of the issue.  That wasn't all he did.
2 treated me like nothing I ever did was right.
2 caused drama at a very painful time in my life, making it worse.
An entire school bullied me, and not just physically.  I remember the looks of disgust and the harsh words.
1 became my friend just so she could try to get with my husband.
1 put his appearance above my needs and had me not believing in marriage.
1 emotionally abused me and sometimes physically abused me as well.
1 has lost my trust from many different things.
1 taught me things I wasn't ready to learn.

I have completely forgiven at least 2 of these people.  This isn't all of the pain I've been dealing with.  Sure, I tried to put on a happy face, but there was actually a time when I wrote a 2 page poem begging someone to just HEAR me.  I wrote it as extra credit but never turned it in.
Once, I almost committed suicide.  God pushed me back before Satan pushed me forward, but it was a very close match.  This was after being raped, but that wasn't the reason, surprisingly.  No.  The man I "loved" was ignoring me.  Maybe the rape had something to do with it without me even realizing it.  No matter.  I survived.
I have thought about suicide a lot.  But my fear of pain or surviving it always prevented it. (and they say fear is from the devil only).  At school, I pretended nothing anyone said bothered me.  At home, I tried to busy myself with homework so that I could hide in my closet where my desk was.  It gave me something to do; to lose myself in.  Otherwise, I would go outside and cuddle with one of the outdoor cats.  I don't even know how long I battled depression and suicidal thoughts.  I don't remember the first time I thought about running away, though I was writing about it at least since I was 12.
I was just sick of the people who thought I couldn't do anything right.  And I was sick of the people at school.  Honestly, you people are lucky I'm not a violent person.  There were a few of you I wouldn't have minded killing.  I'm better now, so don't call the cops on me.  I'm not going to kill you or hurt you in any way.  I'm just being honest.
Even the staff wasn't much help.  (*adds people to mental list*).  I was ignored (if you count yelling "shut up" when I yelled ignoring) when 2 boys sexually assaulted me on a school bus and I was ignored when I was thrown out of my desk and kicked a few times.
My grades began to drop, and nobody bothered to ask why even though it should have been obvious I was depressed.  My #1 issue person had hurt me in a way it took me 4 years to forgive.  He had an affair and left his wife of 8 years for another woman.  I was torn between hating him and standing up for him when people said bad things about him.
The kids who physically bullied me weren't afraid of getting caught and punished, because they never were.  They could bully me next to a staff member, and the staff member would turn temporarily blind.  Though, if I ever retaliated I'm sure they would turn a blind eye to that as well.
Really, my life took a downward turn because of two main things:  My #1 issue person (pain all my life) and the school.  And nobody will bother to tell me why everybody hated me.  My self-esteem was never allowed to grow until it was too late.  I was too far gone.  I was good at pretending though.
I pretended nothing hurt.  Nothing.  I pretended to laugh at the jokes made at my expense.  Ha. Ha.

Anyway, these are just thoughts going through my head during a time where I'm pretty much an emotional wreck anyways.  I'm just trying to figure out what's wrong with me so I can make my hubby happy.

Po1s0n.

A Weekend to Remember

We did this marriage conference/retreat thingy last year, and we liked it so much we are doing it this year too!

And I'm planning on turning it into a little mini-honeymoon.  We got a nice hotel with a whirlpool tub and a large shower...

I wonder how they feel about lighting candles and incense in the room... Hmm...

Po1s0n

Something I Wrote Last Night (Journal)

2-3-13

He is constantly changing.  His faith is so rock, half the time I'm not even sure it's there.  The back and forth is really confusing.  If anything tears us apart, it will be the yo-yo effect.  It wears me out...and it makes me worry... and it saddens me.  Sometimes, it angers me.
He complains that I've changed so much he doesn't know me anymore.  But we've both changed, haven't we?  It's all part of growing older.  He's not the man I fell in love with.
I feel like the reasons we married each other/fell in love don't exist anymore.  The things important to me are no longer important to him, it seems.  And vice versa.
Sometimes, he asks himself if it's worth it.
Sometimes, I ask myself the same thing.
Am I with him because I love him or because I'm dependent and stubborn?

Truth is, he can still make me smile no matter the mood.
And that's good enough reason for me.

P.

Jealousy

What's gotten into my husband lately?
I added a friend on facebook who happens to be male (and pretty darn old) and my husband is getting jealous.  This guy and I were friends a long time ago and have been friends since I was about 18.  We don't talk very often anymore, but that's okay.  We keep in touch every once in a while.  This guy is kind of like family.
Anyway, my husband is jealous of this guy and has absolutely no reason to be.
One, I've never physically met this guy.  We used to talk online and on the phone.  So what if we happened to meet on a dating site?  He is married.  I don't go for married men.
Two, this guy is really old.  He has enough health issues to make me worry.  I wouldn't go for a guy who is constantly going to the hospital.  No offense to anyone.  I don't go for military guys either.
And three.  He lives in a different state.

I don't know why he is suddenly jealous of a guy I rarely ever talk to.  It's weird.  I knew he had insecurity issues, but this is weird even for him.

Po1s0n.

Society

Kids must play with other kids or at least interact with them in some way.
My son just turned two and had a b-day party today.  My aunt came with her five children (one 12 year old and the other four ranging from 6 to 2).  My son played with the 12 year old, who he absolutely adores.  But, he ignored the others as they ran around the house screaming and playing and screaming some more.
The family I was with decided that I am not parenting correctly.  He is not interacting with enough children enough to know what to do with them.
"He needs to learn this now because he has to go to school."
Well... not necessarily...
Yes, I do agree he needs to have learn how to socialize.  But!  I believe he needs to socialize with ALL ages; not just the ones close to his age.
However...
I'm thinking seriously about not having him learn in a classroom, but at home instead.
I live in a large city, and we can't afford private schooling, so if he has a classroom experience it will be in a public school.
Not only do I hate how far society has digressed (the threat of a school shooting is far too high for my taste and I wouldn't put it past a kindergartner to bring a gun to class for "show and tell"), but I also don't trust that the kids are actually being taught what they need to be.
Standardized tests are all schools care about anymore, so half of learning is "how to take a test" rather than learning things they will actually need to learn.
I don't trust that History is being taught truthfully and would prefer my child to learn through museums and research than a textbook.

The problem with people nowadays is that they believe that all children who are homeschooled grow up not knowing how to behave in a social situation.  I have seen many homeschooled people who grew up sheltered and are absolutely clueless when it comes to common sense, but I believe that is on the parents who teach.
As a parent, I want my child to succeed in every area.  I would teach him common sense and bring him into social situations (not just the park, either).  My husband and I both have very strong opinions (which match!) on the whole social thing, so I wouldn't be alone.

I guess a downside would be that I still wouldn't be able to get a job, because I would have to stay home with him all the time (at least with school, I can get a part time job.. unless I don't have open availability, which I probably wouldn't anyway).

I just don't like how I feel like a bad parent because my son doesn't interact with other kids.  But at the same time, I believe it's just his personality.  He can deal with a couple of kids at once but not very many.  I have a feeling he is a little claustrophobic and all those kids can get a bit overwhelming.  That, and they weren't really paying any attention to him either.  He interacted with the 2 year old when she interacted with him and that was good enough for me.
I also don't like feeling like a bad parent for considering homeschooling :(

P.

The Lovely Art of Communication

Apparently, my husband has "forgotten" that I communicate with him when I am away.  In other words, if I was staying the night someplace other than the first place, I would tell him.  I would also tell him for how long I would be staying there and where our son was sleeping.  Especially if we were sleeping in the same room.  And when sleeping in the same room, I keep my phone on vibrate or silent so that nothing will wake my sweet baby up.

Communication, for some odd reason, goes out the window when I visit my family.  I'm the one who texts first in the mornings, and today I decided to do a little test.  How long would it be before he texted me?  Any guesses?  How about all day until I finally sent him a text telling him that he has been quiet.  That was after 5pm.  I also sent him a text reminding him about something at around 2pm or so.  Never got a response back from that text, which is fine, since the response would be akin to "kk".
When I told him of his silence, he reasoned that he had a horrible day at work.  When I asked if he did something that he needed to do today, I got a "text you during break at class".  I never got a text, but when I checked my email, I noticed that he had responded to a guy in a group email several times over the period of about 5pm-8pm.  During which time my phone was absolutely silent.
His reasoning was that the computer was out, and while he was waiting for his turn to do something in class, he would use it.  He could have easily sent me a text over YIM or something but never did.
He probably never even thought of it.

I mentioned this lack of communication over distance (it happens EVERY time) and now he is saying that it's a coping mechanism for me being gone.  Which makes no sense.  He would rather not talk to me at all since he can't see me anyway??  Is that, like, a guy thing or something?  Because, if it is, guys are dumb.
He says that's not it; he just shuts down.  Oy!

The thing is, I am married to a BIG guy.  Not muscular big, but big as in very unhealthy.  I worry about his health, and not hearing from him all day long makes me worry.  Well, that and past transgressions that I try to tell my paranoid mind won't ever happen again.

Now he tells me to "learn to live with it" and that he will try to do better.  Honestly, and I do hate to say this; I'll believe it when I see it.

That thing he needed to do?  Apparently he couldn't do it because the office was closed.  Sadly, I'm going to actually go check that out...And it's true.  They close at 4.. actually they have horrible hours. 9am-4pm.  Sucks for people who work 8-5 jobs.

Whatever.  The thing is, I just want him to communicate more, but he just wants to shut down because he's depressed.  I chose to live with that the rest of my life without fully knowing what I was getting into.

On another, slightly related topic, I think I'm done travelling after this year for a while.  The stress just isn't worth it.  The fights aren't worth it.  The drama isn't worth it.  I'm just so over it.  People can come visit me for once.

Po1s0n.

What's For Lunch?

Animal crackers?  PopTarts?  Oatmeal?  Umm... Bread?
Yeah... As much as I hate to clean sticky off of your fingers, it looks like the both of us will be eating PB&Js for a while.
The kitty is sick and needs to go to the vet.  Sorry, but we don't have any food after that.

I talked to my mom, and she said she might be able to send a little bit.  Enough for sandwich fixins.  Which is hopefully enough to buy tuna and miracle whip.  And hotdogs.  For kiddo.

I'm honestly hoping we'll be able to afford whatever meds kitty has to take.  I feel so bad that he has to be miserable over the whole weekend. :(
Monday, we're going to the vet.  He can hide and protest all he wants, but I'll drag him out so he can get all better.  And then maybe give him a little tiny bit of something yummy =3

I have $70 to my name and the vet visit is going to be $56.  No idea on the meds.  Hopefully, he doesn't have any stones and it is JUST a UTI (nothing extra that will sap all of our money and more).
Because, well, emergencies happen.

I don't even know if we're going to be able to go west for turkey-day.  And if we don't, then we have to stay right here and have no turkey-day (but I'll give thanks that my baby is okay).

This sucks.
I tried to figure out how to get a chip-in going or find something for low-income, but all low-income I found was fixing and emergencies (which this isn't YET and I have to go to the vet to determine that it is before I can apply).  I had to set it up through PayPal, but I hadn't set up a bank account with mine yet and it wasn't letting me.  I'm just so frustrated at all of this.
I should have seen it sooner, and I didn't.  I'm kicking myself over and over again, but my baby isn't getting any better.  I feel SO bad.
I'm going to try to use my hubby's PayPal, but I don't know his password.

Po1s0n.

I Never Knew She Would Change My Life

Ah, facebook.  The wonderful world of cute kitty pictures/videos that make me remember just how much I love my boys.
And remind me of a cat who made me realize that life without a cat just really is no life at all.  RIP, kitty.  You'll always have my heart.

I have pretty much always had a cat in my life.  I remember the time between cats as being empty.  I'm pretty sure I begged Mom to get us another kitty.  Eventually, she did.  And we got a beautiful, shy feline.  I was very happy, but she seemed to be afraid of me.  I finally gained her trust, and though I always thought of her as Mom's cat, I think she had a pretty big soft spot for me, too.

She would climb into my bed at night, even though I was on the top bunk.  Even after she had her front claws removed, she still found a way.  She would cuddle with me for a while and then leave, as cats do.

There was a time when I realized just how special she was.  That was the time when I realized I couldn't live without a cat in my life.  She was an amazing kitty, and I will never forget her.

So now I have two beautiful feline-sons that have my heart.  But it's because of her that I believe in the powers of owning a cat.  I believe God granted these animals with so many gifts.  The trick is; them being bothered to use them ;)

Po1s0n.