What is the point of a so-called savings card if you keep spending it?
Yes, the car needed fixed. Rent comes first. Save for the repairs. Do NOT cash advance! Oh wait... too late!
I asked you not to spend the money on my card because of the bill it was going toward. What did you do? You spent it! On food! So now, we have nothing extra. Weren't you trying to lose weight?
And we have $2 to our name since you had to advance so much.
Our anniversary? We are staying home, aren't we? So much for all your wonderful plans.
You're bad when I'm home, but you are so much worse when I'm away. I bet you didn't save ANYTHING from the money our roommate gave us. You spent that on going to a movie and on food. I don't even need a transaction list to know that.
And you wonder why I can't trust you with money.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Trust
So the plan is that I'm staying and kiddo is going to the in laws the day after I get back. Then, hubby wants us moved within a week to God only knows where since we haven't found a place yet and have no money for a deposit.
And supposedly I'm supposed to have a lot of trust in a guy that cheated on me once (ok it was a long time ago, but still) and says things but doesn't do them. He admits that he has a lying problem as well as a problem with money. But I'm supposed to put all of my trust in him. Right. That makes a heck of a lot of sense.
He can make every excuse in the book about not fixing my car but will fix his friend's car. And I'm supposed to trust that my car will actually get fixed next week when it was supposed to already be done.
I try to walk on eggshells for this man so I don't hurt his feelings, but no matter what I do, it's wrong.
His FB "got hacked" (again, I just have to trust that's the reason he changed his email and password without telling me anything about getting hacked) and he couldn't figure out what they did on it. I saw that his relationship status was completely missing on his profile, so I sent a relationship request for him to confirm that I was married to him. He never confirmed it. Today, I asked him why and he got all defensive about how the only thing that matters is that WE know. It's nobody's business but ours. So I took mine off and told him. He was all talk about how if it was that upsetting to me I should have just told him how important it was to me. I never said it was that important. OK, yeah I'm a bit paranoid (again, I've been cheated on and he hung out with the gal again a couple of years later while I was away from home; I think I have a right to be a little weary) but I never said that it made me angry. He said I was mad. He said it was important to me. He also made it perfectly clear that it was not important to him. So I made my relationship status only visible to me and added that I was interested in men. Just to see how important it really was to him. I find it interesting that he can hide his status but got upset (making it out to be that I was the one upset, of course) when I hid mine. But when I hacked into his profile, there were no emails from a certain ex of his and she was still blocked as well as some of her family. There is no evidence of him cheating on me, but some of the things he does just rubs me the wrong way. I know I'm not the wife he wants (though he says otherwise) so it makes me a little scared that he is going to cheat on me to get what I can't give him. And he is more likely to do that when I'm away from home.
That's another thing. He kept pushing for me to stay longer. At one point, he was trying to convince me to stay for 6 months. Umm. NO! His reasoning? So that he could learn to control himself with money, get us financially stable, and have me trust him again. Right. Because that makes perfect sense. Whatever. And then there was the mold situation and he asked me to stay for another month so that he could find us a place to live. We decided not to go with that plan, and instead... Well, just reread the beginning of the post.
Po1s0n
And supposedly I'm supposed to have a lot of trust in a guy that cheated on me once (ok it was a long time ago, but still) and says things but doesn't do them. He admits that he has a lying problem as well as a problem with money. But I'm supposed to put all of my trust in him. Right. That makes a heck of a lot of sense.
He can make every excuse in the book about not fixing my car but will fix his friend's car. And I'm supposed to trust that my car will actually get fixed next week when it was supposed to already be done.
I try to walk on eggshells for this man so I don't hurt his feelings, but no matter what I do, it's wrong.
His FB "got hacked" (again, I just have to trust that's the reason he changed his email and password without telling me anything about getting hacked) and he couldn't figure out what they did on it. I saw that his relationship status was completely missing on his profile, so I sent a relationship request for him to confirm that I was married to him. He never confirmed it. Today, I asked him why and he got all defensive about how the only thing that matters is that WE know. It's nobody's business but ours. So I took mine off and told him. He was all talk about how if it was that upsetting to me I should have just told him how important it was to me. I never said it was that important. OK, yeah I'm a bit paranoid (again, I've been cheated on and he hung out with the gal again a couple of years later while I was away from home; I think I have a right to be a little weary) but I never said that it made me angry. He said I was mad. He said it was important to me. He also made it perfectly clear that it was not important to him. So I made my relationship status only visible to me and added that I was interested in men. Just to see how important it really was to him. I find it interesting that he can hide his status but got upset (making it out to be that I was the one upset, of course) when I hid mine. But when I hacked into his profile, there were no emails from a certain ex of his and she was still blocked as well as some of her family. There is no evidence of him cheating on me, but some of the things he does just rubs me the wrong way. I know I'm not the wife he wants (though he says otherwise) so it makes me a little scared that he is going to cheat on me to get what I can't give him. And he is more likely to do that when I'm away from home.
That's another thing. He kept pushing for me to stay longer. At one point, he was trying to convince me to stay for 6 months. Umm. NO! His reasoning? So that he could learn to control himself with money, get us financially stable, and have me trust him again. Right. Because that makes perfect sense. Whatever. And then there was the mold situation and he asked me to stay for another month so that he could find us a place to live. We decided not to go with that plan, and instead... Well, just reread the beginning of the post.
Po1s0n
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
F You, Life!
Oh joy...
3rd Year Anniversary is next week. I probably will NOT be home. I'm already in MO longer than planned and now it will be even LONGER!
Why do I feel that if we miss this anniversary, we're done???
But no, it's a completely logical reason for me to stay: Mold.
Yup! Mold. Our apartment is basically flooding, and there is mold in my son's room. Which means, he can't come home. Which means I can't come home.
Yay!
3rd Year Anniversary is next week. I probably will NOT be home. I'm already in MO longer than planned and now it will be even LONGER!
Why do I feel that if we miss this anniversary, we're done???
But no, it's a completely logical reason for me to stay: Mold.
Yup! Mold. Our apartment is basically flooding, and there is mold in my son's room. Which means, he can't come home. Which means I can't come home.
Yay!
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Waiting for a Sign
I'm so tired of sitting,
waiting...
Searching for any kind of sign
with great big flashing neon lights
"GO HERE!!!"
I'm waiting for the Finger of God
to point my direction
I'd rather cower in the same place
than take that dreaded leap of faith
I'm terrified
of what I think is right
I'd rather cower here alone
than make a sudden move
afraid to stimulate something other than myself
even for my own good
I'm tired of sitting,
waiting...
Searching for elusive signs
with great big flashing neon lights
I'm tired of waiting on the Finger of God
to point my direction
But I'm too terrified
of what I think is right
Too scared not to cower in the same old place
and take that dreaded leap of faith
waiting...
Searching for any kind of sign
with great big flashing neon lights
"GO HERE!!!"
I'm waiting for the Finger of God
to point my direction
I'd rather cower in the same place
than take that dreaded leap of faith
I'm terrified
of what I think is right
I'd rather cower here alone
than make a sudden move
afraid to stimulate something other than myself
even for my own good
I'm tired of sitting,
waiting...
Searching for elusive signs
with great big flashing neon lights
I'm tired of waiting on the Finger of God
to point my direction
But I'm too terrified
of what I think is right
Too scared not to cower in the same old place
and take that dreaded leap of faith
Monday, June 11, 2012
Maybe Not My Dream Home...
It is so hard to think that God is moving you in the direction you had hoped for only to be jerked back by the leash and told "No" and then to trot back happily like nothing ever happened.
I wanted this job so bad. It was a receptionist job in my favorite city in the world. The moment she realized I had a non-driver's ID and did not have an actual license was the moment I had dreaded for the last few days. Her whole attitude shifted and suddenly, she was not a nice lady. I was told to leave my application (yeah, so much for the interview I was supposed to have) with a receptionist and see my way out. "She'll call you." I am 95% sure I am not getting this job. And this is the first "interview" I have had since I worked at Wal-Mart in 2010. Not for lack of trying, of course.
Oh well. I sent an email thanking her for her time (not that she actually gave me any) and asked to be notified of whether I would or would not be chosen for further evaluation. I doubt I will actually get an email back, but I tried.
I totally thought that this would be a God thing and that things would just miraculously fall into place. We're not the only ones who feel that Omaha is where we need to be. I applied and the same day got an email back about my availability for an interview. Surely, it had to be God! I put so much work into this only to be shot down and have my time and the time of my friend wasted. I'm sure she thought she was being nice by not telling me "never mind about it; we really need people with valid driver's licenses" and letting me fill out the application (of which I had to find my own pen. And that's another thing; she didn't even confirm the interview. I had to call her.) but I would have rather her tell me the truth.
Anyway, he hasn't posted anything on facebook yet (he is still waiting for confirmation) but hubby might be getting a different job and possibly working at his current job part time to help out. He will be working all week long, but it will be shift work and more money with both jobs. This is an exciting prospect that we had all but given up completely on. But now it's the waiting game again.
I just don't know how to praise God still when He purposely brought my hopes up and slammed them back down (on my monthly at that). It's hard not to be so disheartened when this is the only call-back I have gotten in two years. Yeah the hubby is willing to work two jobs, but it's not even the finances that make me strive to work. It's being absolutely stir crazy and having no human interaction most of the time except for those that I live with. I want adult interaction! Not immature boy and toddler interaction with a dose of my husband on the side! Hubby tries to fix things by telling me to go hang out with my only female friend in Lincoln who happens to be a mother of 3 and her husband works all the time. Or says he wishes my car worked better and that I could drive to Omaha to see my friends or that he wished they would come up more often. It would be easier if we actually lived near said friends.
I have nothing else to say...
Po1s0n.
I wanted this job so bad. It was a receptionist job in my favorite city in the world. The moment she realized I had a non-driver's ID and did not have an actual license was the moment I had dreaded for the last few days. Her whole attitude shifted and suddenly, she was not a nice lady. I was told to leave my application (yeah, so much for the interview I was supposed to have) with a receptionist and see my way out. "She'll call you." I am 95% sure I am not getting this job. And this is the first "interview" I have had since I worked at Wal-Mart in 2010. Not for lack of trying, of course.
Oh well. I sent an email thanking her for her time (not that she actually gave me any) and asked to be notified of whether I would or would not be chosen for further evaluation. I doubt I will actually get an email back, but I tried.
I totally thought that this would be a God thing and that things would just miraculously fall into place. We're not the only ones who feel that Omaha is where we need to be. I applied and the same day got an email back about my availability for an interview. Surely, it had to be God! I put so much work into this only to be shot down and have my time and the time of my friend wasted. I'm sure she thought she was being nice by not telling me "never mind about it; we really need people with valid driver's licenses" and letting me fill out the application (of which I had to find my own pen. And that's another thing; she didn't even confirm the interview. I had to call her.) but I would have rather her tell me the truth.
Anyway, he hasn't posted anything on facebook yet (he is still waiting for confirmation) but hubby might be getting a different job and possibly working at his current job part time to help out. He will be working all week long, but it will be shift work and more money with both jobs. This is an exciting prospect that we had all but given up completely on. But now it's the waiting game again.
I just don't know how to praise God still when He purposely brought my hopes up and slammed them back down (on my monthly at that). It's hard not to be so disheartened when this is the only call-back I have gotten in two years. Yeah the hubby is willing to work two jobs, but it's not even the finances that make me strive to work. It's being absolutely stir crazy and having no human interaction most of the time except for those that I live with. I want adult interaction! Not immature boy and toddler interaction with a dose of my husband on the side! Hubby tries to fix things by telling me to go hang out with my only female friend in Lincoln who happens to be a mother of 3 and her husband works all the time. Or says he wishes my car worked better and that I could drive to Omaha to see my friends or that he wished they would come up more often. It would be easier if we actually lived near said friends.
I have nothing else to say...
Po1s0n.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Are You Captivated by Yourself?
First off, I have been gone too long. I get back, and there's a new look and everything. (In my opinion, it wasn't broke to begin with, but I do like the expanded views of my followed bloggers' recent posts).
Secondly, and most importantly, I have been reading <u>Captivating</u> by John and Stasi Eldredge (authors of <u>Wild At Heart</u>). Honestly, I think I have been reading it too fast. When I first began this book, I was in college. I didn't get very far into it. Now, I'm about halfway through it and am not sure I've caught much more than "Beauty is everything" and "If you have parent issues, you have beauty issues."
I have parent issues. But there <i>has</i> to be something deeper than just that. Before, I went from guy to guy to guy (which they include as a symptom of not feeling very "captivating"). Now, my husband is lucky if I even flirt with him. What is wrong with me?
Was it my miscarriage years ago that made me turn so cold? The authors did mention that a distrust in God could cause these issues. ...Or is it more?
Honestly, I see myself as more attractive with clothes on. I don't "hide" behind layers of makeup or make myself unappealing on purpose (in HS I might have, and when I was working I definitely did). I just don't see how stretch marks and baby belly flab are beautiful. As my good friend said: "I think guys see us like we see ourselves without our glasses on." She then took off her glasses and proclaimed, "Oh look! Boobs!"
Naturally, we joked about this. For me, all I see is a blur anyway without my glasses. Seeing as how my husband doesn't wear his glasses to bed, I can see this. However, he also tells me I am beautiful and sexy when he has his glasses on. And for some reason, unlike <i>most</i> girls, I throw a cold shoulder his way and scoff at him. I figure most girls take the compliment and gush and blush at how marvelous it is that their husband loves them how they look; even in sweats and tired from the day.
So the answer to my own question is No. I do not feel captivated by myself. And when my own husband pours his love and words over me, I tell him to shut it. I don't want to hear it. Ever. But when his friends (or even my gal friends) say the same words to me, I take it happily. Why?
I get that a part of me is hiding and protecting myself. It has been for a while. I just don't know how to comfort that part and tell her that it's really going to be okay. Even if it isn't for a while, it will be. Yeah, you're scared. But sometimes, you just gotta face your fears. Stop locking yourself up in this steel cocoon and let yourself enjoy life.
Poison.
Secondly, and most importantly, I have been reading <u>Captivating</u> by John and Stasi Eldredge (authors of <u>Wild At Heart</u>). Honestly, I think I have been reading it too fast. When I first began this book, I was in college. I didn't get very far into it. Now, I'm about halfway through it and am not sure I've caught much more than "Beauty is everything" and "If you have parent issues, you have beauty issues."
I have parent issues. But there <i>has</i> to be something deeper than just that. Before, I went from guy to guy to guy (which they include as a symptom of not feeling very "captivating"). Now, my husband is lucky if I even flirt with him. What is wrong with me?
Was it my miscarriage years ago that made me turn so cold? The authors did mention that a distrust in God could cause these issues. ...Or is it more?
Honestly, I see myself as more attractive with clothes on. I don't "hide" behind layers of makeup or make myself unappealing on purpose (in HS I might have, and when I was working I definitely did). I just don't see how stretch marks and baby belly flab are beautiful. As my good friend said: "I think guys see us like we see ourselves without our glasses on." She then took off her glasses and proclaimed, "Oh look! Boobs!"
Naturally, we joked about this. For me, all I see is a blur anyway without my glasses. Seeing as how my husband doesn't wear his glasses to bed, I can see this. However, he also tells me I am beautiful and sexy when he has his glasses on. And for some reason, unlike <i>most</i> girls, I throw a cold shoulder his way and scoff at him. I figure most girls take the compliment and gush and blush at how marvelous it is that their husband loves them how they look; even in sweats and tired from the day.
So the answer to my own question is No. I do not feel captivated by myself. And when my own husband pours his love and words over me, I tell him to shut it. I don't want to hear it. Ever. But when his friends (or even my gal friends) say the same words to me, I take it happily. Why?
I get that a part of me is hiding and protecting myself. It has been for a while. I just don't know how to comfort that part and tell her that it's really going to be okay. Even if it isn't for a while, it will be. Yeah, you're scared. But sometimes, you just gotta face your fears. Stop locking yourself up in this steel cocoon and let yourself enjoy life.
Poison.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Who Is Selfish?
Who is selfish? Who is right in being selfish? Him? Me? Are we both supposed to be patient for only God knows what? Or is one of us supposed to be able to achieve his/her goals and dreams before the other? Or maybe, the both of us are supposed to just go at it, no matter the consequences?
I am tight when it comes to money. Not as tight as I should be at times, but usually when DH wants to buy something that isn't necessary.
He wants to browse stores, and I don't see the point of browsing if I'm not going to pay for anything like that anyway.
He wants to start a business, and I believe in not doing something that needs a financially responsible leader when we are still in debt.
He has such high hopes and dreams and I always get the feeling that he is going to go for them RIGHT NOW. When I tell him to wait and tell him why, he gets so frustrated.
What he doesn't understand (and what I haven't been able to convey properly, I guess) is that I have hopes and dreams too... I really want to get back to Grace University. Not that it really matters much, since all of my friends are gone from there anyway (well, most of them). Or will be come May of this year. I guess I really liked the professors and .. well, I just liked the school. I miss it. I miss the Biblical classes. OK, so go to a different one. No... Go to SCC to get your general eds. It just doesn't feel right! Community and Technial colleges just don't feel right. Either, really, can any school other than Grace. And I hate that! I ruined something good and am having a hard time simply waiting. Grace doesn't offer daycare for students. So I have to wait until Malachi is in school. Otherwise, I will just have to find something else online... And probably have something come up where I can't complete it.. again.
I wish things were simple. I hate that I'm so frustrated every time DH wants to go for his dreams. All because I can't. Well, that and money.
I am tight when it comes to money. Not as tight as I should be at times, but usually when DH wants to buy something that isn't necessary.
He wants to browse stores, and I don't see the point of browsing if I'm not going to pay for anything like that anyway.
He wants to start a business, and I believe in not doing something that needs a financially responsible leader when we are still in debt.
He has such high hopes and dreams and I always get the feeling that he is going to go for them RIGHT NOW. When I tell him to wait and tell him why, he gets so frustrated.
What he doesn't understand (and what I haven't been able to convey properly, I guess) is that I have hopes and dreams too... I really want to get back to Grace University. Not that it really matters much, since all of my friends are gone from there anyway (well, most of them). Or will be come May of this year. I guess I really liked the professors and .. well, I just liked the school. I miss it. I miss the Biblical classes. OK, so go to a different one. No... Go to SCC to get your general eds. It just doesn't feel right! Community and Technial colleges just don't feel right. Either, really, can any school other than Grace. And I hate that! I ruined something good and am having a hard time simply waiting. Grace doesn't offer daycare for students. So I have to wait until Malachi is in school. Otherwise, I will just have to find something else online... And probably have something come up where I can't complete it.. again.
I wish things were simple. I hate that I'm so frustrated every time DH wants to go for his dreams. All because I can't. Well, that and money.
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