Ferguson

"Some say his hands were up
Others say he was charging aggressively with no signs of backing down even after being shot multiple times (proof the original intention was to maim and not to murder if this is correct)
Video says he was a violent delinquent...

I know nothing, but since I'm white, I cannot speak on behalf of the cop who MAY have actually been doing the right thing or else get accused of being racist.  Makes sense to me."
~a post I saw on a social media site.

Reverse racism exists too, whether you like to believe it or not.  But because of our ancestries, we must bow down to those we have hurt in the past and forever be indebted to them.  There is no middle line to the white people.  There are those who hate and those who feel we must wrong every right by believing every black kid killed was because of hate.

I sit here on the fence and watch, scared to say how I really feel because of the hate spewed from both sides... though mostly the hate of the black people.  I am not racist.  I just observe.

Not every white cop who kills a black person is a bad cop.  Not every cop is a bad cop, period.

Yeah, I'm gonna get a lot of hate for this, but it needs to be said and I'm not the only one who feels this way.

P.

wtf did i do?

and I'm left wondering what I did wrong
30 minutes for a day
and you won't even come to bed
get up before the sun
and you go to bed
I'm sick of this
don't give me crap about how you had shit to do
it's called priorites and fucking time management
don't fucking game all day
(or whatever the hell you were doing under that guise)
and then come home at midnight
you don't want to wake me up
but I texted you so you knew I was awake
you still didn't come to bed
until 6am
and I'm left wondering what I did wrong

Really need to rethink my friendships...

Most of my friends are immature or dicks or the nasty combination of both... Oh, and I forgot to mention just downright stupid.

Doing something against the rules?  Know the risk?  Do it anyway?  And then get mad when people talk and you get in trouble?  Stupidity.
Well, then again you are just being stupid by doing what you are doing anyway.  But since I'm your friend, I don't want to say anything.  Of course, it's not like we hang out a lot anyway so is your friendship *really* that important?  Then again, is it worth telling you that you are making a mistake and knew the risks so you shouldn't be mad that you were found out worth it?  You won't listen anyway... I know your type.
Especially when we warned you against this behavior in the first place.  Really need to start avoiding people under the age of 20 no matter how many things we have in common.

Then there are the ones who will gladly *want* to hang out, but when it comes to actually hanging out it's more out of their convenience.  And then not tell you when they are leaving your place when you're not there.  So much for actually hanging out.  I understand our schedules sucked, but COMMUNICATION!!!!!!!  And you never apologized...

I have like one really good Christian friend in this whole mess and I can't even get her alone to tell her what's really been on my heart lately and feel awkward bringing it up around her mother or grandkids... :(

So I'm pretty much alone.  And it sucks.

But hey I have work!  At least I can keep my mind off of things.  And I do enjoy hanging out with that one friend that I just mentioned.  The other friend that I hang out with is so totally ADHD that even the meds don't seem to be helping much.  I think of him as a little brother and he is older than me.  Yeah, that bad lol.
He's the one that talked and basically turned the first person in without meaning to.  She is very angry at him and I so want to tell her she knew the risks.

"If it's truly love, you could have waited to date until it wasn't a problem."  All I gotta say.

Po1s0n.

Stacked shells

I'm sitting here bored and hungry while my husband "works" instead of doing homework for his class tonight. What he is working on has no due date.  But now that I have mentioned that I'm hungry and he knows I'm waiting on him, I try to make something here he will just get all pissy. If say anything it will have the same result. So I can do nothing.

Selfishness

I feel like this title has benn used before but I don't really care.

I get off work, mention that I had a chicken leg, had two seconds worth of discussion about how I wish we could have brought a rotisserie home. Then he talks about his pathfinder character and anything else he can think of that pertains to him. Doesn't even bother to ask how my day went. It's like...umm...does he even care?

It's the little things that tip the iceberg.

And he wonders why I have to make an hourly choice to love him...

P.

Journaling: Deep in Thought

Bought a couple of books at the getaway.  One is called S.O.S. Sick of Sex and the other is called Intimate Issues (21 questions women ask about sex).  Both are basically devotionals and true to devotional style, I'm supposed to read a chapter a week.  This is me we're talking about.  A chapter a week??  I can't do that.  I wanna read it all at once!
So anyway, I read the first chapter of S.O.S. and realized something:  Things I had brushed off and said didn't hurt me?  I shelved them and pretended they didn't exist.  I escaped.  I locked away all feelings regarding those issues and push them back into their kennel whenever they try to get out.

I wrote down a dozen people who wronged me (though one of those is actually a group of people and not just one person).  A dozen.  And that might not even be all of them.

1 caused at least 20 years of pain for me, mostly emotional though some physical as well.
1 sexually abused me, but that wasn't the entirety of the issue.  That wasn't all he did.
2 treated me like nothing I ever did was right.
2 caused drama at a very painful time in my life, making it worse.
An entire school bullied me, and not just physically.  I remember the looks of disgust and the harsh words.
1 became my friend just so she could try to get with my husband.
1 put his appearance above my needs and had me not believing in marriage.
1 emotionally abused me and sometimes physically abused me as well.
1 has lost my trust from many different things.
1 taught me things I wasn't ready to learn.

I have completely forgiven at least 2 of these people.  This isn't all of the pain I've been dealing with.  Sure, I tried to put on a happy face, but there was actually a time when I wrote a 2 page poem begging someone to just HEAR me.  I wrote it as extra credit but never turned it in.
Once, I almost committed suicide.  God pushed me back before Satan pushed me forward, but it was a very close match.  This was after being raped, but that wasn't the reason, surprisingly.  No.  The man I "loved" was ignoring me.  Maybe the rape had something to do with it without me even realizing it.  No matter.  I survived.
I have thought about suicide a lot.  But my fear of pain or surviving it always prevented it. (and they say fear is from the devil only).  At school, I pretended nothing anyone said bothered me.  At home, I tried to busy myself with homework so that I could hide in my closet where my desk was.  It gave me something to do; to lose myself in.  Otherwise, I would go outside and cuddle with one of the outdoor cats.  I don't even know how long I battled depression and suicidal thoughts.  I don't remember the first time I thought about running away, though I was writing about it at least since I was 12.
I was just sick of the people who thought I couldn't do anything right.  And I was sick of the people at school.  Honestly, you people are lucky I'm not a violent person.  There were a few of you I wouldn't have minded killing.  I'm better now, so don't call the cops on me.  I'm not going to kill you or hurt you in any way.  I'm just being honest.
Even the staff wasn't much help.  (*adds people to mental list*).  I was ignored (if you count yelling "shut up" when I yelled ignoring) when 2 boys sexually assaulted me on a school bus and I was ignored when I was thrown out of my desk and kicked a few times.
My grades began to drop, and nobody bothered to ask why even though it should have been obvious I was depressed.  My #1 issue person had hurt me in a way it took me 4 years to forgive.  He had an affair and left his wife of 8 years for another woman.  I was torn between hating him and standing up for him when people said bad things about him.
The kids who physically bullied me weren't afraid of getting caught and punished, because they never were.  They could bully me next to a staff member, and the staff member would turn temporarily blind.  Though, if I ever retaliated I'm sure they would turn a blind eye to that as well.
Really, my life took a downward turn because of two main things:  My #1 issue person (pain all my life) and the school.  And nobody will bother to tell me why everybody hated me.  My self-esteem was never allowed to grow until it was too late.  I was too far gone.  I was good at pretending though.
I pretended nothing hurt.  Nothing.  I pretended to laugh at the jokes made at my expense.  Ha. Ha.

Anyway, these are just thoughts going through my head during a time where I'm pretty much an emotional wreck anyways.  I'm just trying to figure out what's wrong with me so I can make my hubby happy.

Po1s0n.

A Weekend to Remember

We did this marriage conference/retreat thingy last year, and we liked it so much we are doing it this year too!

And I'm planning on turning it into a little mini-honeymoon.  We got a nice hotel with a whirlpool tub and a large shower...

I wonder how they feel about lighting candles and incense in the room... Hmm...

Po1s0n