First off, I have been gone too long. I get back, and there's a new look and everything. (In my opinion, it wasn't broke to begin with, but I do like the expanded views of my followed bloggers' recent posts).
Secondly, and most importantly, I have been reading <u>Captivating</u> by John and Stasi Eldredge (authors of <u>Wild At Heart</u>). Honestly, I think I have been reading it too fast. When I first began this book, I was in college. I didn't get very far into it. Now, I'm about halfway through it and am not sure I've caught much more than "Beauty is everything" and "If you have parent issues, you have beauty issues."
I have parent issues. But there <i>has</i> to be something deeper than just that. Before, I went from guy to guy to guy (which they include as a symptom of not feeling very "captivating"). Now, my husband is lucky if I even flirt with him. What is wrong with me?
Was it my miscarriage years ago that made me turn so cold? The authors did mention that a distrust in God could cause these issues. ...Or is it more?
Honestly, I see myself as more attractive with clothes on. I don't "hide" behind layers of makeup or make myself unappealing on purpose (in HS I might have, and when I was working I definitely did). I just don't see how stretch marks and baby belly flab are beautiful. As my good friend said: "I think guys see us like we see ourselves without our glasses on." She then took off her glasses and proclaimed, "Oh look! Boobs!"
Naturally, we joked about this. For me, all I see is a blur anyway without my glasses. Seeing as how my husband doesn't wear his glasses to bed, I can see this. However, he also tells me I am beautiful and sexy when he has his glasses on. And for some reason, unlike <i>most</i> girls, I throw a cold shoulder his way and scoff at him. I figure most girls take the compliment and gush and blush at how marvelous it is that their husband loves them how they look; even in sweats and tired from the day.
So the answer to my own question is No. I do not feel captivated by myself. And when my own husband pours his love and words over me, I tell him to shut it. I don't want to hear it. Ever. But when his friends (or even my gal friends) say the same words to me, I take it happily. Why?
I get that a part of me is hiding and protecting myself. It has been for a while. I just don't know how to comfort that part and tell her that it's really going to be okay. Even if it isn't for a while, it will be. Yeah, you're scared. But sometimes, you just gotta face your fears. Stop locking yourself up in this steel cocoon and let yourself enjoy life.
Poison.
