Well, I'm not pregnant. I started the monthly. It's still weird how hungry I am, but the blood is there with no pain indicating another miscarriage.
Oddly, I have mixed feelings about this.
Poison.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
The Waiting Game
How long can I really wait until I go tear up the bathroom in hopes of finding my leftover pregnancy test? Can I really wait until next month?
Every pregnancy is different, and I keep hearing about how miserable one gender made pregnancies and then how the other gender was different. I mean, I'm just tired and hungry all the time. The spotting could have been nothing. The occasional heartburn I get is normal... sometimes. Nausea? Not really... Except yesterday I had the last of the juice I made a couple of days ago without anything to eat and got sickish...
I don't think I'm overly emotional... maybe a tad cranky, but that's cuz I'm tired. But... I wasn't overly emotional with the little man either.
I'm not congested like I was the last time either.
However, my hips are already starting to hurt like they did when I was with him, but I haven't been to the chiropractor in forever either. Of course, normally that effects my neck and shoulders more than my hips, and there was a pain one day in my pelvic region, but it would be too early for that.. I mean, those started before the spotting... And with the little man, I had no clue until one day when I got seriously sick from shrimp and spotted with no period.
I could probably do this back and forth thing with myself all day, but I wouldn't have anything to show for it except more fear. I don't know how to wait a whole month (I told my husband a couple of weeks) before taking the dratted test.
I'm just making myself more impatient.
This is what I get for asking God not to be on my period while performing on stage.
Thanks, God.
Poison.
Every pregnancy is different, and I keep hearing about how miserable one gender made pregnancies and then how the other gender was different. I mean, I'm just tired and hungry all the time. The spotting could have been nothing. The occasional heartburn I get is normal... sometimes. Nausea? Not really... Except yesterday I had the last of the juice I made a couple of days ago without anything to eat and got sickish...
I don't think I'm overly emotional... maybe a tad cranky, but that's cuz I'm tired. But... I wasn't overly emotional with the little man either.
I'm not congested like I was the last time either.
However, my hips are already starting to hurt like they did when I was with him, but I haven't been to the chiropractor in forever either. Of course, normally that effects my neck and shoulders more than my hips, and there was a pain one day in my pelvic region, but it would be too early for that.. I mean, those started before the spotting... And with the little man, I had no clue until one day when I got seriously sick from shrimp and spotted with no period.
I could probably do this back and forth thing with myself all day, but I wouldn't have anything to show for it except more fear. I don't know how to wait a whole month (I told my husband a couple of weeks) before taking the dratted test.
I'm just making myself more impatient.
This is what I get for asking God not to be on my period while performing on stage.
Thanks, God.
Poison.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
The thing I posted extremely early this morning is still very much on my mind. I'm still praying that I'm not pregnant but trying to think realistically just in case. If I am, I have to go even further from my friends. Husband won't even consider adoption, even though I think an open adoption would be okay. But honestly, this early, we would have to move closer to family (his family, of course...) and play this whole hoping to get a transfer or get a job thing and hoping to find an apartment that will take us and the two cats and the two kids but also be big enough for said cats and kids (mainly the kids)...
But I'm probably stressing over nothing.
I mean, I thought of one of the perfect places to go... but then thought about the cats and how I probably couldn't take them there with me without them being outdoor cats (bad idea since I know that area and they don't like the idea of sharing territory, and either does the cat they would be sharing with). Could suggest installing a door... Not sure about having to pay rent or not, but there's three bedrooms not being used and plenty of people to help with the kids while still ensuring our own independence with them as well as understand our rules and following them. However, it is not exactly an environment I want my kids in for very long. So that idea may as well just be scratched out.
*sigh* This sucks. Just the thinking about what could be happening sucks. But I won't know for sure for another couple of weeks, so I'm probably just having pregnancy-like PMS symptoms... Bleh! I can't recall ever PMSing like this before.
Anyway, I need food.
Poison.
But I'm probably stressing over nothing.
I mean, I thought of one of the perfect places to go... but then thought about the cats and how I probably couldn't take them there with me without them being outdoor cats (bad idea since I know that area and they don't like the idea of sharing territory, and either does the cat they would be sharing with). Could suggest installing a door... Not sure about having to pay rent or not, but there's three bedrooms not being used and plenty of people to help with the kids while still ensuring our own independence with them as well as understand our rules and following them. However, it is not exactly an environment I want my kids in for very long. So that idea may as well just be scratched out.
*sigh* This sucks. Just the thinking about what could be happening sucks. But I won't know for sure for another couple of weeks, so I'm probably just having pregnancy-like PMS symptoms... Bleh! I can't recall ever PMSing like this before.
Anyway, I need food.
Poison.
Childish Things
I never thought I would even be thinking about child number two this early in the game, but my loving husband is constantly joking about me being pregnant already. It got me to thinking that having a little girl would be great, but I want us to plan that one five years down the road when our son is in school.
Lately, I've been tired and hungry like you wouldn't believe, and this is probably the first night I can't sleep very well (yes I am up at 2am and it has nothing to do with my son). Naturally, with my husband's constant comments about pregnancy and the little sister our son needs, my mind instantly thinks to that and how I really do not want to be pregnant while my son is only 4 months old.
And of course, how could I be pregnant when we've only had sex like three times since birth and every time was protected?
I'll admit I've been praying to start my period early so that I don't have to perform while I'm on it, so I was ecstatic when I started spotting.
Only, that's all I did...
It's common for periods to be erratic after labor, but mine went right on being toward the end of the month like normal and hasn't been different.
But I'm not taking that pregnancy test until the second week of next month with no sign of Ms. Monthly. Meanwhile, I'm praying that it's just my husband's words that are giving me this fear. There is no way I'm ready for another kid right now. One is plenty.
Poison.
Lately, I've been tired and hungry like you wouldn't believe, and this is probably the first night I can't sleep very well (yes I am up at 2am and it has nothing to do with my son). Naturally, with my husband's constant comments about pregnancy and the little sister our son needs, my mind instantly thinks to that and how I really do not want to be pregnant while my son is only 4 months old.
And of course, how could I be pregnant when we've only had sex like three times since birth and every time was protected?
I'll admit I've been praying to start my period early so that I don't have to perform while I'm on it, so I was ecstatic when I started spotting.
Only, that's all I did...
It's common for periods to be erratic after labor, but mine went right on being toward the end of the month like normal and hasn't been different.
But I'm not taking that pregnancy test until the second week of next month with no sign of Ms. Monthly. Meanwhile, I'm praying that it's just my husband's words that are giving me this fear. There is no way I'm ready for another kid right now. One is plenty.
Poison.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
WTH
I hate telling you things, because you take it personally; even when it has nothing to do with you. I hurt you when I'm the one who is shattered.
That picture you drew for me a couple of years ago (longer than that...) keeps coming back into my head. "I am not broken" it said. But I am...
Or maybe I'm too solid.
I feel like I wrapped myself up in steel, closed the door, locked it and threw away the key. You're my husband!! I shouldn't feel this way.
I opened myself up to so many guys, but when I think about it, I'm pretty sure I was closed off even then. I opened myself up to you when we were just dating... didn't I?
What am I afraid of?
"I'm scared... of what? ... I... I don't know..." Thoughts going through my head 90mph, but this was all it said. I wanted to curl up into a ball until you moved to the other side of the bed in frustration. Finally, I just rolled over.
Why am I so tense!? I went to bed wanting to give to you what you deserve. And I couldn't. So I rolled over, defeated even by myself... that part of me I know nothing about. And cried.
I had to tell you why when I asked, but all I could manage was "I don't know." I think I even mumbled a "just go"; glad you didn't hear it. You would have left the bed entirely, and that wasn't what I meant. I just wanted you to back off a little and stop pushing me. God, how I wanted to tell you "Please don't push." I couldn't even do that, for fear you would be angry at yourself. When you are, you throw it around the atmosphere carelessly. I feel every sting you feel... and feel you're really mad at me.
I'm trying to figure this out... {{or am I}} but even I have no idea what's going on. Like I said, it's that part of me that I know nothing about.
I probably need therapy, but in this, I feel alone... this problem of mine; who deals with that? Either you want it or you don't! If you want it, you have it.
Why can't it be that simple for me?
Poison{ed}
That picture you drew for me a couple of years ago (longer than that...) keeps coming back into my head. "I am not broken" it said. But I am...
Or maybe I'm too solid.
I feel like I wrapped myself up in steel, closed the door, locked it and threw away the key. You're my husband!! I shouldn't feel this way.
I opened myself up to so many guys, but when I think about it, I'm pretty sure I was closed off even then. I opened myself up to you when we were just dating... didn't I?
What am I afraid of?
"I'm scared... of what? ... I... I don't know..." Thoughts going through my head 90mph, but this was all it said. I wanted to curl up into a ball until you moved to the other side of the bed in frustration. Finally, I just rolled over.
Why am I so tense!? I went to bed wanting to give to you what you deserve. And I couldn't. So I rolled over, defeated even by myself... that part of me I know nothing about. And cried.
I had to tell you why when I asked, but all I could manage was "I don't know." I think I even mumbled a "just go"; glad you didn't hear it. You would have left the bed entirely, and that wasn't what I meant. I just wanted you to back off a little and stop pushing me. God, how I wanted to tell you "Please don't push." I couldn't even do that, for fear you would be angry at yourself. When you are, you throw it around the atmosphere carelessly. I feel every sting you feel... and feel you're really mad at me.
I'm trying to figure this out... {{or am I}} but even I have no idea what's going on. Like I said, it's that part of me that I know nothing about.
I probably need therapy, but in this, I feel alone... this problem of mine; who deals with that? Either you want it or you don't! If you want it, you have it.
Why can't it be that simple for me?
Poison{ed}
Monday, May 2, 2011
Damned Cigarettes
I have craved cigarettes since I was a small child. I found that white filter stuff on the ground, picked it up and sniffed it (why, I have no idea). Ever since then, it was more than just curiosity.
My chance came a few years later when I was a teenager. My ex was smoking behind the school and offered me one. I shrugged figuring "why not? my life is in ruins anyway." I smoked very few cigs, but the craving never left. Back then, I actually realized cigarettes had flavor. I quit and picked it up again a few months later. When I picked it up again, it tasted like it smells. Horrible.
So I quit again. I became even more sensitive to the smoke and now consider myself allergic. My eyes burn and it gets hard to breathe when I'm around too much of it.
One of these days, I am going to bum one off of a friend, smoke it, and remind myself of why I don't do it anymore. It's a pointless habit, but these cravings have been at me for longer than I'd care to admit. If I don't satisfy it, it won't leave me alone.
On the flip side, what if I figure out that they don't taste as bad as that last one did... Then, it will be even harder to kick.
Oh God, that you give me the strength to make it through this.
Poison.
Oh by the way... I got a blind date going for my friend that does The Blind Date Project ;)
My chance came a few years later when I was a teenager. My ex was smoking behind the school and offered me one. I shrugged figuring "why not? my life is in ruins anyway." I smoked very few cigs, but the craving never left. Back then, I actually realized cigarettes had flavor. I quit and picked it up again a few months later. When I picked it up again, it tasted like it smells. Horrible.
So I quit again. I became even more sensitive to the smoke and now consider myself allergic. My eyes burn and it gets hard to breathe when I'm around too much of it.
One of these days, I am going to bum one off of a friend, smoke it, and remind myself of why I don't do it anymore. It's a pointless habit, but these cravings have been at me for longer than I'd care to admit. If I don't satisfy it, it won't leave me alone.
On the flip side, what if I figure out that they don't taste as bad as that last one did... Then, it will be even harder to kick.
Oh God, that you give me the strength to make it through this.
Poison.
Oh by the way... I got a blind date going for my friend that does The Blind Date Project ;)
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