Finally

Things are falling into place.  Now, let's just see what we do with the pieces.

Po1s0n.

Hmm

Things may be looking up.  We'll see.

Give Me Rest

It's December.  Nothing has changed, and I'm done hoping.  I'll put myself out there again and again, but I'm not expecting anything from it.  I hate how my world is more than just a little sideways; I'm upside down and dizzy and worn.  Is there any reason for this except to break our pride?  Well, mine is broken; I could care less where help comes from as long as it isn't held over my head.  I don't think my husband has much left; we're both crushed under some boulder that neither of us can move without God's help.  But He's too busy helping someone else who doesn't need it and isn't praying for it on their knees with tears in their eyes as they hold the unborn baby in their arms scared and terrified--can't get a doctor in the third trimester and haven't been for months.. one income.. sleeping on someone's couch who wants us out.. I can see where this can go, and it isn't good.  He wants us gone sometime soon and wants some chick over in just a few days just to be a sexual rebound.  Where am I supposed to go; I don't know anyone here and can't drive; I can only hope some random person from the internet will help me get out of here and not want something I can't and won't give voluntarily.  My mind is wearing down and my faith is struggling not to be dragged down with it, but I'm not surrounded by morals anymore and haven't been in way too long; how do I keep something that isn't shown to me elsewhere?  And once again, we can't go to church because of work.  All I have is a Bible I can't seem to look at and empty prayers that I have no hope of fulfillment.  I'm tired of seeing people who don't need what we need near as bad as us but get it anyway.  All I want is a home.  I just want a bed to sleep in and a roof for my child.  I want to not be a burden by Christmas time, but ha!  why should that happen for us?  What have we done to deserve it?  We've helped out our friends and a couple of strangers, but that can't be enough.  The loose change for the Salvation Army and the bag of goods that never got to Goodwill [yet] isn't enough.  The constant prayer and trying to live right.. no.. that's not enough either.  But to those living together outside of marriage with no remorse; they can get a house of their own.  For the committed gays, here's a home for you, too.  I have nothing against these people except their sin and their rewards for thus.. I think I'm ready for hell on Earth to end; just kill me now so I can get out of this mess.. or maybe I'd take hell over this as bad as that place is.  But death is just a permanent solution to one (two, three, four, more) temporary problem... It's always one thing after another; wouldn't death make things easier?  Except then there's another dim light extinguished away from the world.  I won't lie; the sins of my past are tempting if it would help in a solution to our problems.  If I got paid for the things I used to do, then why not?  Is it justified to help myself rather than rely on God; the one that may or may not be just a figment of my imagination?  Sure, I think I've experienced His love and sure I'm sure I saw Satan's image and his minions but what if there's other explanations?  After all, I've tried doing all He has said for us to do to be blessed without the blessings in mind, but after a while, relying on someone who never shows His power for good gets a little tiring.  It's like relying on my husband to not spend money when we go to the store.  It's like relying on my husband to not ever want sex.  I'm white, married, and pregnant.  I'm not a statistic.  Where's my benefits?  Oh wait, we have an income; all benefits go out the window, even if we're homeless; even if it's just not enough..

Incredible

One would think I'd be great at hiding by now.  Stories from my past turned from true to false in just a few changed nouns...

I have probably five different accounts on one site alone to help me hide.  One such account was the one where I changed certain nouns to make a story that sounded so much better than the true thing... mainly because the real thing was socially unacceptable.  But if a boyfriend goes off to war, that can't be helped. 

And yes, I'm being cryptic.  I still have to hide things in my life that I would rather not.  But I don't want anything linked back to the "real me."  I just thought it was interesting that I'm hiding again and going through old poems of mine where I was hiding my life from prying eyes... though I desperately wanted things to be out in the open.  I wanted to be able to rant and rave about the situation and my lips were forced shut.  I suppose that's how life goes...

Po1s0n

I'm Sorry

I will not rant.  I will not say things out of anger.  I will walk on eggshells.  I will remain silent until spoken to.  I will do as is suggested and/or requested.  I will not say anything that can be an implication against anyone or anything.  I will only post happy posts.  I will not let my emotions cloud my judgment.  I will no longer be myself.  ... The broken marionette is back.

It's Me Again

So because I have a certain internet stalker, I am forced to change my identity completely and delete who I once was just so I can speak my mind.  So much for freedom of speech.  I'm even afraid to repost my last blog without changing it to "private" so someone certain doesn't find it.. ever.  Thank you Google.

I'm sorry you think my rants are whining and complaining.  I'm pregnant and that's the kind of mood I'm in, so get over it, breathe, and understand.  You were there not long ago.

PS:  I really don't like you sometimes.

<Po1s0n>