Journaling: Deep in Thought

Bought a couple of books at the getaway.  One is called S.O.S. Sick of Sex and the other is called Intimate Issues (21 questions women ask about sex).  Both are basically devotionals and true to devotional style, I'm supposed to read a chapter a week.  This is me we're talking about.  A chapter a week??  I can't do that.  I wanna read it all at once!
So anyway, I read the first chapter of S.O.S. and realized something:  Things I had brushed off and said didn't hurt me?  I shelved them and pretended they didn't exist.  I escaped.  I locked away all feelings regarding those issues and push them back into their kennel whenever they try to get out.

I wrote down a dozen people who wronged me (though one of those is actually a group of people and not just one person).  A dozen.  And that might not even be all of them.

1 caused at least 20 years of pain for me, mostly emotional though some physical as well.
1 sexually abused me, but that wasn't the entirety of the issue.  That wasn't all he did.
2 treated me like nothing I ever did was right.
2 caused drama at a very painful time in my life, making it worse.
An entire school bullied me, and not just physically.  I remember the looks of disgust and the harsh words.
1 became my friend just so she could try to get with my husband.
1 put his appearance above my needs and had me not believing in marriage.
1 emotionally abused me and sometimes physically abused me as well.
1 has lost my trust from many different things.
1 taught me things I wasn't ready to learn.

I have completely forgiven at least 2 of these people.  This isn't all of the pain I've been dealing with.  Sure, I tried to put on a happy face, but there was actually a time when I wrote a 2 page poem begging someone to just HEAR me.  I wrote it as extra credit but never turned it in.
Once, I almost committed suicide.  God pushed me back before Satan pushed me forward, but it was a very close match.  This was after being raped, but that wasn't the reason, surprisingly.  No.  The man I "loved" was ignoring me.  Maybe the rape had something to do with it without me even realizing it.  No matter.  I survived.
I have thought about suicide a lot.  But my fear of pain or surviving it always prevented it. (and they say fear is from the devil only).  At school, I pretended nothing anyone said bothered me.  At home, I tried to busy myself with homework so that I could hide in my closet where my desk was.  It gave me something to do; to lose myself in.  Otherwise, I would go outside and cuddle with one of the outdoor cats.  I don't even know how long I battled depression and suicidal thoughts.  I don't remember the first time I thought about running away, though I was writing about it at least since I was 12.
I was just sick of the people who thought I couldn't do anything right.  And I was sick of the people at school.  Honestly, you people are lucky I'm not a violent person.  There were a few of you I wouldn't have minded killing.  I'm better now, so don't call the cops on me.  I'm not going to kill you or hurt you in any way.  I'm just being honest.
Even the staff wasn't much help.  (*adds people to mental list*).  I was ignored (if you count yelling "shut up" when I yelled ignoring) when 2 boys sexually assaulted me on a school bus and I was ignored when I was thrown out of my desk and kicked a few times.
My grades began to drop, and nobody bothered to ask why even though it should have been obvious I was depressed.  My #1 issue person had hurt me in a way it took me 4 years to forgive.  He had an affair and left his wife of 8 years for another woman.  I was torn between hating him and standing up for him when people said bad things about him.
The kids who physically bullied me weren't afraid of getting caught and punished, because they never were.  They could bully me next to a staff member, and the staff member would turn temporarily blind.  Though, if I ever retaliated I'm sure they would turn a blind eye to that as well.
Really, my life took a downward turn because of two main things:  My #1 issue person (pain all my life) and the school.  And nobody will bother to tell me why everybody hated me.  My self-esteem was never allowed to grow until it was too late.  I was too far gone.  I was good at pretending though.
I pretended nothing hurt.  Nothing.  I pretended to laugh at the jokes made at my expense.  Ha. Ha.

Anyway, these are just thoughts going through my head during a time where I'm pretty much an emotional wreck anyways.  I'm just trying to figure out what's wrong with me so I can make my hubby happy.

Po1s0n.