I'm sitting here bored and hungry while my husband "works" instead of doing homework for his class tonight. What he is working on has no due date. But now that I have mentioned that I'm hungry and he knows I'm waiting on him, I try to make something here he will just get all pissy. If say anything it will have the same result. So I can do nothing.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Selfishness
I feel like this title has benn used before but I don't really care.
I get off work, mention that I had a chicken leg, had two seconds worth of discussion about how I wish we could have brought a rotisserie home. Then he talks about his pathfinder character and anything else he can think of that pertains to him. Doesn't even bother to ask how my day went. It's like...umm...does he even care?
It's the little things that tip the iceberg.
And he wonders why I have to make an hourly choice to love him...
P.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Journaling: Deep in Thought
Bought a couple of books at the getaway. One is called S.O.S. Sick of Sex and the other is called Intimate Issues (21 questions women ask about sex). Both are basically devotionals and true to devotional style, I'm supposed to read a chapter a week. This is me we're talking about. A chapter a week?? I can't do that. I wanna read it all at once!
So anyway, I read the first chapter of S.O.S. and realized something: Things I had brushed off and said didn't hurt me? I shelved them and pretended they didn't exist. I escaped. I locked away all feelings regarding those issues and push them back into their kennel whenever they try to get out.
I wrote down a dozen people who wronged me (though one of those is actually a group of people and not just one person). A dozen. And that might not even be all of them.
1 caused at least 20 years of pain for me, mostly emotional though some physical as well.
1 sexually abused me, but that wasn't the entirety of the issue. That wasn't all he did.
2 treated me like nothing I ever did was right.
2 caused drama at a very painful time in my life, making it worse.
An entire school bullied me, and not just physically. I remember the looks of disgust and the harsh words.
1 became my friend just so she could try to get with my husband.
1 put his appearance above my needs and had me not believing in marriage.
1 emotionally abused me and sometimes physically abused me as well.
1 has lost my trust from many different things.
1 taught me things I wasn't ready to learn.
I have completely forgiven at least 2 of these people. This isn't all of the pain I've been dealing with. Sure, I tried to put on a happy face, but there was actually a time when I wrote a 2 page poem begging someone to just HEAR me. I wrote it as extra credit but never turned it in.
Once, I almost committed suicide. God pushed me back before Satan pushed me forward, but it was a very close match. This was after being raped, but that wasn't the reason, surprisingly. No. The man I "loved" was ignoring me. Maybe the rape had something to do with it without me even realizing it. No matter. I survived.
I have thought about suicide a lot. But my fear of pain or surviving it always prevented it. (and they say fear is from the devil only). At school, I pretended nothing anyone said bothered me. At home, I tried to busy myself with homework so that I could hide in my closet where my desk was. It gave me something to do; to lose myself in. Otherwise, I would go outside and cuddle with one of the outdoor cats. I don't even know how long I battled depression and suicidal thoughts. I don't remember the first time I thought about running away, though I was writing about it at least since I was 12.
I was just sick of the people who thought I couldn't do anything right. And I was sick of the people at school. Honestly, you people are lucky I'm not a violent person. There were a few of you I wouldn't have minded killing. I'm better now, so don't call the cops on me. I'm not going to kill you or hurt you in any way. I'm just being honest.
Even the staff wasn't much help. (*adds people to mental list*). I was ignored (if you count yelling "shut up" when I yelled ignoring) when 2 boys sexually assaulted me on a school bus and I was ignored when I was thrown out of my desk and kicked a few times.
My grades began to drop, and nobody bothered to ask why even though it should have been obvious I was depressed. My #1 issue person had hurt me in a way it took me 4 years to forgive. He had an affair and left his wife of 8 years for another woman. I was torn between hating him and standing up for him when people said bad things about him.
The kids who physically bullied me weren't afraid of getting caught and punished, because they never were. They could bully me next to a staff member, and the staff member would turn temporarily blind. Though, if I ever retaliated I'm sure they would turn a blind eye to that as well.
Really, my life took a downward turn because of two main things: My #1 issue person (pain all my life) and the school. And nobody will bother to tell me why everybody hated me. My self-esteem was never allowed to grow until it was too late. I was too far gone. I was good at pretending though.
I pretended nothing hurt. Nothing. I pretended to laugh at the jokes made at my expense. Ha. Ha.
Anyway, these are just thoughts going through my head during a time where I'm pretty much an emotional wreck anyways. I'm just trying to figure out what's wrong with me so I can make my hubby happy.
Po1s0n.
So anyway, I read the first chapter of S.O.S. and realized something: Things I had brushed off and said didn't hurt me? I shelved them and pretended they didn't exist. I escaped. I locked away all feelings regarding those issues and push them back into their kennel whenever they try to get out.
I wrote down a dozen people who wronged me (though one of those is actually a group of people and not just one person). A dozen. And that might not even be all of them.
1 caused at least 20 years of pain for me, mostly emotional though some physical as well.
1 sexually abused me, but that wasn't the entirety of the issue. That wasn't all he did.
2 treated me like nothing I ever did was right.
2 caused drama at a very painful time in my life, making it worse.
An entire school bullied me, and not just physically. I remember the looks of disgust and the harsh words.
1 became my friend just so she could try to get with my husband.
1 put his appearance above my needs and had me not believing in marriage.
1 emotionally abused me and sometimes physically abused me as well.
1 has lost my trust from many different things.
1 taught me things I wasn't ready to learn.
I have completely forgiven at least 2 of these people. This isn't all of the pain I've been dealing with. Sure, I tried to put on a happy face, but there was actually a time when I wrote a 2 page poem begging someone to just HEAR me. I wrote it as extra credit but never turned it in.
Once, I almost committed suicide. God pushed me back before Satan pushed me forward, but it was a very close match. This was after being raped, but that wasn't the reason, surprisingly. No. The man I "loved" was ignoring me. Maybe the rape had something to do with it without me even realizing it. No matter. I survived.
I have thought about suicide a lot. But my fear of pain or surviving it always prevented it. (and they say fear is from the devil only). At school, I pretended nothing anyone said bothered me. At home, I tried to busy myself with homework so that I could hide in my closet where my desk was. It gave me something to do; to lose myself in. Otherwise, I would go outside and cuddle with one of the outdoor cats. I don't even know how long I battled depression and suicidal thoughts. I don't remember the first time I thought about running away, though I was writing about it at least since I was 12.
I was just sick of the people who thought I couldn't do anything right. And I was sick of the people at school. Honestly, you people are lucky I'm not a violent person. There were a few of you I wouldn't have minded killing. I'm better now, so don't call the cops on me. I'm not going to kill you or hurt you in any way. I'm just being honest.
Even the staff wasn't much help. (*adds people to mental list*). I was ignored (if you count yelling "shut up" when I yelled ignoring) when 2 boys sexually assaulted me on a school bus and I was ignored when I was thrown out of my desk and kicked a few times.
My grades began to drop, and nobody bothered to ask why even though it should have been obvious I was depressed. My #1 issue person had hurt me in a way it took me 4 years to forgive. He had an affair and left his wife of 8 years for another woman. I was torn between hating him and standing up for him when people said bad things about him.
The kids who physically bullied me weren't afraid of getting caught and punished, because they never were. They could bully me next to a staff member, and the staff member would turn temporarily blind. Though, if I ever retaliated I'm sure they would turn a blind eye to that as well.
Really, my life took a downward turn because of two main things: My #1 issue person (pain all my life) and the school. And nobody will bother to tell me why everybody hated me. My self-esteem was never allowed to grow until it was too late. I was too far gone. I was good at pretending though.
I pretended nothing hurt. Nothing. I pretended to laugh at the jokes made at my expense. Ha. Ha.
Anyway, these are just thoughts going through my head during a time where I'm pretty much an emotional wreck anyways. I'm just trying to figure out what's wrong with me so I can make my hubby happy.
Po1s0n.
Friday, March 22, 2013
A Weekend to Remember
We did this marriage conference/retreat thingy last year, and we liked it so much we are doing it this year too!
And I'm planning on turning it into a little mini-honeymoon. We got a nice hotel with a whirlpool tub and a large shower...
I wonder how they feel about lighting candles and incense in the room... Hmm...
Po1s0n
And I'm planning on turning it into a little mini-honeymoon. We got a nice hotel with a whirlpool tub and a large shower...
I wonder how they feel about lighting candles and incense in the room... Hmm...
Po1s0n
Monday, February 4, 2013
Something I Wrote Last Night (Journal)
2-3-13
He is constantly changing. His faith is so rock, half the time I'm not even sure it's there. The back and forth is really confusing. If anything tears us apart, it will be the yo-yo effect. It wears me out...and it makes me worry... and it saddens me. Sometimes, it angers me.
He complains that I've changed so much he doesn't know me anymore. But we've both changed, haven't we? It's all part of growing older. He's not the man I fell in love with.
I feel like the reasons we married each other/fell in love don't exist anymore. The things important to me are no longer important to him, it seems. And vice versa.
Sometimes, he asks himself if it's worth it.
Sometimes, I ask myself the same thing.
Am I with him because I love him or because I'm dependent and stubborn?
Truth is, he can still make me smile no matter the mood.
And that's good enough reason for me.
P.
He is constantly changing. His faith is so rock, half the time I'm not even sure it's there. The back and forth is really confusing. If anything tears us apart, it will be the yo-yo effect. It wears me out...and it makes me worry... and it saddens me. Sometimes, it angers me.
He complains that I've changed so much he doesn't know me anymore. But we've both changed, haven't we? It's all part of growing older. He's not the man I fell in love with.
I feel like the reasons we married each other/fell in love don't exist anymore. The things important to me are no longer important to him, it seems. And vice versa.
Sometimes, he asks himself if it's worth it.
Sometimes, I ask myself the same thing.
Am I with him because I love him or because I'm dependent and stubborn?
Truth is, he can still make me smile no matter the mood.
And that's good enough reason for me.
P.
Friday, February 1, 2013
Jealousy
What's gotten into my husband lately?
I added a friend on facebook who happens to be male (and pretty darn old) and my husband is getting jealous. This guy and I were friends a long time ago and have been friends since I was about 18. We don't talk very often anymore, but that's okay. We keep in touch every once in a while. This guy is kind of like family.
Anyway, my husband is jealous of this guy and has absolutely no reason to be.
One, I've never physically met this guy. We used to talk online and on the phone. So what if we happened to meet on a dating site? He is married. I don't go for married men.
Two, this guy is really old. He has enough health issues to make me worry. I wouldn't go for a guy who is constantly going to the hospital. No offense to anyone. I don't go for military guys either.
And three. He lives in a different state.
I don't know why he is suddenly jealous of a guy I rarely ever talk to. It's weird. I knew he had insecurity issues, but this is weird even for him.
Po1s0n.
I added a friend on facebook who happens to be male (and pretty darn old) and my husband is getting jealous. This guy and I were friends a long time ago and have been friends since I was about 18. We don't talk very often anymore, but that's okay. We keep in touch every once in a while. This guy is kind of like family.
Anyway, my husband is jealous of this guy and has absolutely no reason to be.
One, I've never physically met this guy. We used to talk online and on the phone. So what if we happened to meet on a dating site? He is married. I don't go for married men.
Two, this guy is really old. He has enough health issues to make me worry. I wouldn't go for a guy who is constantly going to the hospital. No offense to anyone. I don't go for military guys either.
And three. He lives in a different state.
I don't know why he is suddenly jealous of a guy I rarely ever talk to. It's weird. I knew he had insecurity issues, but this is weird even for him.
Po1s0n.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Society
Kids must play with other kids or at least interact with them in some way.
My son just turned two and had a b-day party today. My aunt came with her five children (one 12 year old and the other four ranging from 6 to 2). My son played with the 12 year old, who he absolutely adores. But, he ignored the others as they ran around the house screaming and playing and screaming some more.
The family I was with decided that I am not parenting correctly. He is not interacting with enough children enough to know what to do with them.
"He needs to learn this now because he has to go to school."
Well... not necessarily...
Yes, I do agree he needs to have learn how to socialize. But! I believe he needs to socialize with ALL ages; not just the ones close to his age.
However...
I'm thinking seriously about not having him learn in a classroom, but at home instead.
I live in a large city, and we can't afford private schooling, so if he has a classroom experience it will be in a public school.
Not only do I hate how far society has digressed (the threat of a school shooting is far too high for my taste and I wouldn't put it past a kindergartner to bring a gun to class for "show and tell"), but I also don't trust that the kids are actually being taught what they need to be.
Standardized tests are all schools care about anymore, so half of learning is "how to take a test" rather than learning things they will actually need to learn.
I don't trust that History is being taught truthfully and would prefer my child to learn through museums and research than a textbook.
The problem with people nowadays is that they believe that all children who are homeschooled grow up not knowing how to behave in a social situation. I have seen many homeschooled people who grew up sheltered and are absolutely clueless when it comes to common sense, but I believe that is on the parents who teach.
As a parent, I want my child to succeed in every area. I would teach him common sense and bring him into social situations (not just the park, either). My husband and I both have very strong opinions (which match!) on the whole social thing, so I wouldn't be alone.
I guess a downside would be that I still wouldn't be able to get a job, because I would have to stay home with him all the time (at least with school, I can get a part time job.. unless I don't have open availability, which I probably wouldn't anyway).
I just don't like how I feel like a bad parent because my son doesn't interact with other kids. But at the same time, I believe it's just his personality. He can deal with a couple of kids at once but not very many. I have a feeling he is a little claustrophobic and all those kids can get a bit overwhelming. That, and they weren't really paying any attention to him either. He interacted with the 2 year old when she interacted with him and that was good enough for me.
I also don't like feeling like a bad parent for considering homeschooling :(
P.
My son just turned two and had a b-day party today. My aunt came with her five children (one 12 year old and the other four ranging from 6 to 2). My son played with the 12 year old, who he absolutely adores. But, he ignored the others as they ran around the house screaming and playing and screaming some more.
The family I was with decided that I am not parenting correctly. He is not interacting with enough children enough to know what to do with them.
"He needs to learn this now because he has to go to school."
Well... not necessarily...
Yes, I do agree he needs to have learn how to socialize. But! I believe he needs to socialize with ALL ages; not just the ones close to his age.
However...
I'm thinking seriously about not having him learn in a classroom, but at home instead.
I live in a large city, and we can't afford private schooling, so if he has a classroom experience it will be in a public school.
Not only do I hate how far society has digressed (the threat of a school shooting is far too high for my taste and I wouldn't put it past a kindergartner to bring a gun to class for "show and tell"), but I also don't trust that the kids are actually being taught what they need to be.
Standardized tests are all schools care about anymore, so half of learning is "how to take a test" rather than learning things they will actually need to learn.
I don't trust that History is being taught truthfully and would prefer my child to learn through museums and research than a textbook.
The problem with people nowadays is that they believe that all children who are homeschooled grow up not knowing how to behave in a social situation. I have seen many homeschooled people who grew up sheltered and are absolutely clueless when it comes to common sense, but I believe that is on the parents who teach.
As a parent, I want my child to succeed in every area. I would teach him common sense and bring him into social situations (not just the park, either). My husband and I both have very strong opinions (which match!) on the whole social thing, so I wouldn't be alone.
I guess a downside would be that I still wouldn't be able to get a job, because I would have to stay home with him all the time (at least with school, I can get a part time job.. unless I don't have open availability, which I probably wouldn't anyway).
I just don't like how I feel like a bad parent because my son doesn't interact with other kids. But at the same time, I believe it's just his personality. He can deal with a couple of kids at once but not very many. I have a feeling he is a little claustrophobic and all those kids can get a bit overwhelming. That, and they weren't really paying any attention to him either. He interacted with the 2 year old when she interacted with him and that was good enough for me.
I also don't like feeling like a bad parent for considering homeschooling :(
P.
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