The Great What-Ifs

I was thinking about this a lot last night (you know, instead of sleeping).

What if I had stuck by my original word?  I said, when I moved to a different state, "No more guys."  What did I do?  Found 3 I instantly had a crush on.  One of the crushes dwindled rather quickly as my heart moved on to the other two possibles.  Because of one crush, I met another one.  I allowed myself to cheat on my secret boyfriend back home for the nth time with that last crush.  The others dwindled over time (though I admit it took a very long while), and I became a wife and mother.  I would not ask for a different man.

But if I had stuck by that "no more guys" rule, certain things would not have happened.  Would I have spent all that extra time at his house getting to know him?  Probably not.  Maybe I would have taken my time, done things right, dated and eventually married one of my original crushes.  I would still be in school, I may still have my ex as a friend, and I probably wouldn't think much about the man that I did marry in real life.

And maybe I would have found someone totally new that I had never met in real life because of the poor choices I made.

All in all, I'm not sure I would have been as happy as I am today.  I'm glad I made bad choices.  Yeah, I learned from them.  But I also learned that they truly do depict the outcomes of our lives, and sometimes mistakes can be the best choices you've ever made.

Poison.

Get These Thoughts Out of My Head!!!

I am seriously getting frustrated at all of these bad thoughts I've been having.  Curiosity goes up, and I'm left screaming at myself.  "No!  Bad idea!  Bad, Poison, bad!"

And then I think "Well maybe if I do this, these thoughts will go away."  But it's not from God, so why am I thinking them?

Ugh!

Poison.

Like a Fresh Drink of Cold Water

Things are much better.  I took the news hard (as expected), talked with a good friend, and moved on.  There may be days where I am depressed/hurt over it, but the general consensus is that.. It's really no different what I did and what someone else did, so I have no right (yet every right) to be hurt.  I am taking a deep breath and moving on.  As my friend said "the past is the past."  The end.

I am just happy that honesty has been renewed.  Now, trust should be easier to gain :)

Numb.

You said it would hurt me.  Oddly, I'm only a little bit hurt... for now.  It probably hasn't hit me yet.  I don't know how to feel about it.  I would be a hypocrite to be hurt, because wasn't I doing far worse when we met?  I'm glad you are being honest with me [[finally]].  I will probably be a little more .... I will be checking up on you a bit more... except that I don't know your email passwords.

I'm scared you'll do it again, since I'm not overly hurt by it.  Isn't that what I did over and over again in my past?  He wasn't hurt, so I kept on doing it... only to find out he was just hiding the pain.

I'm more numb than anything right now.  I thought I only didn't like her because of the things she said about me.. about us.. or was that a lie, too?  You said before you wanted us to get along.  I knew it would never happen, but I didn't realize how deep that dislike and distrust was until last night when you told me I had been right all along in my thoughts.

Yes, it was in the back of my mind.  I tried to push it out.  The funny thing is, I thought it was the second time you went against your word.  Not the first.  Now I have to try to push out any thoughts about the second time.  I would never have done that with what had happened that first time.

I guess I'm just glad that you didn't take it way too far.  Too far, yes, but it could have been farther.  I will try to trust that nothing else happened that night or the second one...

Poison.

...

every time I think about leaving,
I realize I have nowhere to go.

I Hate Your Lies

I want to stay with you.  I do.
But I can't take this dishonesty anymore.
You need to straighten up your act.

Please... I can't imagine life without you.
But why should I live my life in question?
I'm not happy this way.