Make Pretend

I'll just pretend this is what I want
I'll close my eyes and say
over and over again
"I wanted this."
Then maybe
the tears won't force their way out
Then maybe
we'll make it through this okay
We'll just pretend
this is a good thing.

~Poison.


I don't know...
The year is almost over, but I feel it's just starting... and not in a good way.  It seems that several family members are ill (one terminally and another on the way out as well).  I'm going to lose family left and right within these next few months and over the next year.  I have cried very unhappy tears almost every day for the last couple of months.  I'm trying to be happy; trying to tell myself that this truly is better for them.  No more suffering.  They'll be happy and in heaven.  But that doesn't replace the sadness left behind for when they go.  As is, I already feel like they're gone.  I hate living so far away, but I know I could never live closer.  That's just the way God has set it up for me.

I will be making a trip back home but have no idea how long I'll be staying.  Emotionally, I really shouldn't stay there very long.  But that's also selfishly.  My family is going to need me, and even if they say they don't, they could at least use my moral support.  Someone is going to have to go through belongings.  Depending on the spouses' health when they lose their one and only along with some other issues back here, I could be there till February or even longer.  I feel like I might as well be separated from my husband :(

I don't like how things are going right now.  But I don't have much of a choice.  I need to grow up, lose some of my stubbornness, and hope for the best.

That is all.

Poison.