Who Is Selfish?

Who is selfish?  Who is right in being selfish?  Him?  Me?  Are we both supposed to be patient for only God knows what?  Or is one of us supposed to be able to achieve his/her goals and dreams before the other?  Or maybe, the both of us are supposed to just go at it, no matter the consequences?

I am tight when it comes to money.  Not as tight as I should be at times, but usually when DH wants to buy something that isn't necessary. 

He wants to browse stores, and I don't see the point of browsing if I'm not going to pay for anything like that anyway.

He wants to start a business, and I believe in not doing something that needs a financially responsible leader when we are still in debt.

He has such high hopes and dreams and I always get the feeling that he is going to go for them RIGHT NOW.  When I tell him to wait and tell him why, he gets so frustrated. 

What he doesn't understand (and what I haven't been able to convey properly, I guess) is that I have hopes and dreams too... I really want to get back to Grace University.  Not that it really matters much, since all of my friends are gone from there anyway (well, most of them).  Or will be come May of this year.  I guess I really liked the professors and .. well, I just liked the school.  I miss it.  I miss the Biblical classes.  OK, so go to a different one.  No...  Go to SCC to get your general eds.  It just doesn't feel right!  Community and Technial colleges just don't feel right.  Either, really, can any school other than Grace.  And I hate that!  I ruined something good and am having a hard time simply waiting.  Grace doesn't offer daycare for students.  So I have to wait until Malachi is in school.  Otherwise, I will just have to find something else online... And probably have something come up where I can't complete it.. again.

I wish things were simple.  I hate that I'm so frustrated every time DH wants to go for his dreams.  All because I can't.  Well, that and money.

It's a Long Way From Now But...

I am still going through this debate in my head.  To have another child or to be done with it at one.  I told my husband that I would give him an answer when our son was 6 months old, but that was 6 months ago!  I think I told him to hold off on the vasectomy because I still didn't know.  Part of me still really wants a little girl someday but the other part of me is really happy with having just one kid.  And if we get financially okay, we can foster and adopt children later.  It's not the same as having our own, but that's also a plus side.  No pregnancy; no labor!  Sure, we know what we're getting ourselves into by knowing our own gene pools and medical history, but I've always wanted to adopt.

I haven't really talked to DH about all of this yet, since it's kind of a recent thought development.  For some reason, I was thinking about it yesterday and today.  We both want a little girl someday...

MIL is not happy with us even thinking about a vasectomy.  She was only able to have one child, so she feels we are messing with fate or whatever.  My thoughts are simple:  God can still let a fixed man get a woman pregnant.  I'm still having mixed feelings about it.

I guess it's "whatever happens, happens."

Po1s0n.

Yay! Hormones!

It's nearing that time of month again (yeah, I know, TMI lol).  The time of month where I'm angry at everything (oh wait, isn't that always?), sad/depressed about everything (again, ...always?), etc.  OK I cried at every single "sad" part in the 1st season of Digimon today.  Well, I teared up.  Close enough.

Yay for making my depression worse, hormones.  Yay for making me tired with headaches.

To top it off, we spent money from our emergency fund that we were supposed to be saving up :(  We went from like $600 to a little over $200 in just a few days.  How does that even happen?  Incidentally, my husband is probably unable to do what he has been wanting to for several months now AND no marriage retreat/conference for us :(

BUT, he might be able to go still.  To HIS thing.  HE gets to go to the gym (not that I've been very motivated lately).  HE gets to go look at schools and think about his future (not that I'm being very open-minded about schools I want to go to, but the point is HE will be able to go).  HE gets to make money and provide so why should I care?  He is only trying to better himself to better our family and finances... ...right?

I feel selfish for being jealous.  He feels selfish for, well, being selfish.  I'm a stay at home mom who hasn't been single since at least 16 years old.  When I got married, I adapted my lifestyle to fit his (well, I started that when we were dating I guess).  I never really took the time to know my own dreams.  It's not anyone's fault that he has ideas to go on to find himself and I don't.  At the same time, it's both of ours.  We screwed up the thing I want most.  To be at the school I started at. 

I want to go back there for Psychology but fear I burned that bridge.  I want to help teenagers, but I'm just a hypocrite (insert self-doubt here).

He has so many ideas that he has no idea which one he is being called to do.  I have one and no way to accomplish it.  Yet I feel it's what God is calling me to do.  I just don't know how.

God, you know I hate having to be patient.  Honestly, I feel like it will never happen.  And I should just be happy being a wife and mother.  I should just be happy with them being the only life I really have.

Po1s0n.