Yay! Hormones!

It's nearing that time of month again (yeah, I know, TMI lol).  The time of month where I'm angry at everything (oh wait, isn't that always?), sad/depressed about everything (again, ...always?), etc.  OK I cried at every single "sad" part in the 1st season of Digimon today.  Well, I teared up.  Close enough.

Yay for making my depression worse, hormones.  Yay for making me tired with headaches.

To top it off, we spent money from our emergency fund that we were supposed to be saving up :(  We went from like $600 to a little over $200 in just a few days.  How does that even happen?  Incidentally, my husband is probably unable to do what he has been wanting to for several months now AND no marriage retreat/conference for us :(

BUT, he might be able to go still.  To HIS thing.  HE gets to go to the gym (not that I've been very motivated lately).  HE gets to go look at schools and think about his future (not that I'm being very open-minded about schools I want to go to, but the point is HE will be able to go).  HE gets to make money and provide so why should I care?  He is only trying to better himself to better our family and finances... ...right?

I feel selfish for being jealous.  He feels selfish for, well, being selfish.  I'm a stay at home mom who hasn't been single since at least 16 years old.  When I got married, I adapted my lifestyle to fit his (well, I started that when we were dating I guess).  I never really took the time to know my own dreams.  It's not anyone's fault that he has ideas to go on to find himself and I don't.  At the same time, it's both of ours.  We screwed up the thing I want most.  To be at the school I started at. 

I want to go back there for Psychology but fear I burned that bridge.  I want to help teenagers, but I'm just a hypocrite (insert self-doubt here).

He has so many ideas that he has no idea which one he is being called to do.  I have one and no way to accomplish it.  Yet I feel it's what God is calling me to do.  I just don't know how.

God, you know I hate having to be patient.  Honestly, I feel like it will never happen.  And I should just be happy being a wife and mother.  I should just be happy with them being the only life I really have.

Po1s0n.