Welcome to the World Wide Web

Hi.  This is the internet.  This is a place I can say whatever the hell I want to whenever the hell I want to.  If you can't handle the fact that I miss/love your son, because he's FAMILY, you need to kindly get off your high horse, build a freaking bridge, and GET THE FREAK OVER IT!!!  Especially when there is no drama involved for you to get upset over.  I get it.  You want me out of your freaking life.  Well too bad.  My husband loves his father who just happens to be your husband (guess who came first.. it wasn't you).  And amazingly, your husband loves his son!  Both of them!  Maybe you can't get that through your thick skull, but I'm fed up with this shit.  As I said in a previous post, "if you're supposed to be an example of maturity, I'll stick with being immature."

And of course, you'll probably find this post and create drama from it, but I think you need to stop faking it.  Go ahead and tell him how you REALLY feel about us.  You want us out of your life; especially me.  And I can't figure out why.  Seriously.

I've grown up.  Isn't about time you did, too?

Poison.

I've been thinking of you more often lately
And about how much I care for you
I just want you to be happy
Not like this
Beating yourself up again and again
I'm not even sure you realize you do it

You throw yourself into your work
Claiming it's what you love
But we both know
You're just hiding

And you won't look
Right under your nose
To find
Exactly what you're looking for.

[March 26, 2011]

So... I have decided I am going to be REAL no matter who sees this blog.  Now, that doesn't mean I won't beat around the bush and make a million hints and bunny trails that basically lead absolutely NOWHERE, but... I'm still going to be me.  And if I hurt your feelings?  Well, you'll probably get over it.

Poison.

I Wonder if You Know

I keep telling myself it's not true.  I mean, a week.. not even!  A crush.  More?  I don't know.  I'm in love with you.  No, it's not the same as the in love I am with my husband.  But a different one.  I love you, but it's a type of love I don't recall ever feeling before.  Not even for another person... A different person on my mind.  That type of love is its own as well.

How many loves can exist in one heart--in one mind?

I wonder if you know how I feel.  I can't even explain it.  It's just there.  This compulsion towards you, my non-blood brother.  And it's not going away.  No matter how often I wish it would.

Poison.

Maturity?

If you're supposed to be an example of maturity, I think I'll just stick with being immature.  I mean, really.  You're my "friend" then you're not my "friend."  Then you are again.  Then you're not.  Are we in elementary??

You're older than me, yet you have to delete me and then re-add me and then delete me again on FaceBook.  It's FaceBook!

I go on that account to see how MY little brother in law is doing and to ask you personally only to find out that the account doesn't exist as one of my friends.  I have a feeling you delete me and then your husband re-adds me.  After-all, it IS a joint account.

I love my son's uncle, but you push me out of your life as much as possible, and I can't understand why. When I was out of town, you decided to tag along with your hubby AND bring the kid.  But "he doesn't travel well" when I am in town.  Nice.

If you weren't a part of this family, I would just say "good riddance."  It's obvious how much you hate me.  But you need to grow up and get over it.  I'm part of this family just as much as you are.

Poison.

Finally

Things are falling into place.  Now, let's just see what we do with the pieces.

Po1s0n.

Hmm

Things may be looking up.  We'll see.

Give Me Rest

It's December.  Nothing has changed, and I'm done hoping.  I'll put myself out there again and again, but I'm not expecting anything from it.  I hate how my world is more than just a little sideways; I'm upside down and dizzy and worn.  Is there any reason for this except to break our pride?  Well, mine is broken; I could care less where help comes from as long as it isn't held over my head.  I don't think my husband has much left; we're both crushed under some boulder that neither of us can move without God's help.  But He's too busy helping someone else who doesn't need it and isn't praying for it on their knees with tears in their eyes as they hold the unborn baby in their arms scared and terrified--can't get a doctor in the third trimester and haven't been for months.. one income.. sleeping on someone's couch who wants us out.. I can see where this can go, and it isn't good.  He wants us gone sometime soon and wants some chick over in just a few days just to be a sexual rebound.  Where am I supposed to go; I don't know anyone here and can't drive; I can only hope some random person from the internet will help me get out of here and not want something I can't and won't give voluntarily.  My mind is wearing down and my faith is struggling not to be dragged down with it, but I'm not surrounded by morals anymore and haven't been in way too long; how do I keep something that isn't shown to me elsewhere?  And once again, we can't go to church because of work.  All I have is a Bible I can't seem to look at and empty prayers that I have no hope of fulfillment.  I'm tired of seeing people who don't need what we need near as bad as us but get it anyway.  All I want is a home.  I just want a bed to sleep in and a roof for my child.  I want to not be a burden by Christmas time, but ha!  why should that happen for us?  What have we done to deserve it?  We've helped out our friends and a couple of strangers, but that can't be enough.  The loose change for the Salvation Army and the bag of goods that never got to Goodwill [yet] isn't enough.  The constant prayer and trying to live right.. no.. that's not enough either.  But to those living together outside of marriage with no remorse; they can get a house of their own.  For the committed gays, here's a home for you, too.  I have nothing against these people except their sin and their rewards for thus.. I think I'm ready for hell on Earth to end; just kill me now so I can get out of this mess.. or maybe I'd take hell over this as bad as that place is.  But death is just a permanent solution to one (two, three, four, more) temporary problem... It's always one thing after another; wouldn't death make things easier?  Except then there's another dim light extinguished away from the world.  I won't lie; the sins of my past are tempting if it would help in a solution to our problems.  If I got paid for the things I used to do, then why not?  Is it justified to help myself rather than rely on God; the one that may or may not be just a figment of my imagination?  Sure, I think I've experienced His love and sure I'm sure I saw Satan's image and his minions but what if there's other explanations?  After all, I've tried doing all He has said for us to do to be blessed without the blessings in mind, but after a while, relying on someone who never shows His power for good gets a little tiring.  It's like relying on my husband to not spend money when we go to the store.  It's like relying on my husband to not ever want sex.  I'm white, married, and pregnant.  I'm not a statistic.  Where's my benefits?  Oh wait, we have an income; all benefits go out the window, even if we're homeless; even if it's just not enough..