WTH

I hate telling you things, because you take it personally; even when it has nothing to do with you.  I hurt you when I'm the one who is shattered.

That picture you drew for me a couple of years ago (longer than that...) keeps coming back into my head.  "I am not broken" it said.  But I am...

Or maybe I'm too solid.

I feel like I wrapped myself up in steel, closed the door, locked it and threw away the key.  You're my husband!!  I shouldn't feel this way.

I opened myself up to so many guys, but when I think about it, I'm pretty sure I was closed off even then.  I opened myself up to you when we were just dating... didn't I?

What am I afraid of?

"I'm scared... of what? ... I... I don't know..."  Thoughts going through my head 90mph, but this was all it said.  I wanted to curl up into a ball until you moved to the other side of the bed in frustration.  Finally, I just rolled over.

Why am I so tense!?  I went to bed wanting to give to you what you deserve.  And I couldn't.  So I rolled over, defeated even by myself... that part of me I know nothing about.  And cried.

I had to tell you why when I asked, but all I could manage was "I don't know."  I think I even mumbled a "just go"; glad you didn't hear it.  You would have left the bed entirely, and that wasn't what I meant.  I just wanted you to back off a little and stop pushing me.  God, how I wanted to tell you "Please don't push."  I couldn't even do that, for fear you would be angry at yourself.  When you are, you throw it around the atmosphere carelessly.  I feel every sting you feel... and feel you're really mad at me.

I'm trying to figure this out... {{or am I}} but even I have no idea what's going on.  Like I said, it's that part of me that I know nothing about.

I probably need therapy, but in this, I feel alone... this problem of mine; who deals with that?  Either you want it or you don't!  If you want it, you have it.

Why can't it be that simple for me?

Poison{ed}