Make Pretend

I'll just pretend this is what I want
I'll close my eyes and say
over and over again
"I wanted this."
Then maybe
the tears won't force their way out
Then maybe
we'll make it through this okay
We'll just pretend
this is a good thing.

~Poison.


I don't know...
The year is almost over, but I feel it's just starting... and not in a good way.  It seems that several family members are ill (one terminally and another on the way out as well).  I'm going to lose family left and right within these next few months and over the next year.  I have cried very unhappy tears almost every day for the last couple of months.  I'm trying to be happy; trying to tell myself that this truly is better for them.  No more suffering.  They'll be happy and in heaven.  But that doesn't replace the sadness left behind for when they go.  As is, I already feel like they're gone.  I hate living so far away, but I know I could never live closer.  That's just the way God has set it up for me.

I will be making a trip back home but have no idea how long I'll be staying.  Emotionally, I really shouldn't stay there very long.  But that's also selfishly.  My family is going to need me, and even if they say they don't, they could at least use my moral support.  Someone is going to have to go through belongings.  Depending on the spouses' health when they lose their one and only along with some other issues back here, I could be there till February or even longer.  I feel like I might as well be separated from my husband :(

I don't like how things are going right now.  But I don't have much of a choice.  I need to grow up, lose some of my stubbornness, and hope for the best.

That is all.

Poison.

Another Lost Item

Great.  Went to sign up for benefits for the SNAP program as well as Kids Connection only to find out I have no idea where his SSN is hiding.  And I don't have it memorized.  Why wasn't it in the safe where I remember putting it??

To top things off, the roommate helped me look for it while my own husband sat on his butt in front of the TV playing some video game.  Sure, he shot off one suggestion (which was bogus and totally wrong) but didn't once get off his butt to help.  I don't know where to look for the darn thing, so a little bit of help would be nice.

Then he likes to say things like "I got this for you" and ends up taking it for himself.  Don't tell me it's only mine and then take it.  Does that make sense to anyone else?

Oh he frustrates me sometimes!

Poison

Blaring

Music so loud directly in my ears from the headphones so I can't hear the baby screaming and the hubby freaking out....  He doesn't know what to do!

And I do??  When he screams like that, I'm just as clueless.  I wanna freak out, too!  But you know what???  I CAN'T!!!  Nope!  Not allowed.  I am a stay at home mother struggling to understand programming to pass a class; struggling just as hard to understand the cries coming from the mouth of my 8 month old who can still only say "hi" and "mommy" without actually knowing what he's saying...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!

Why does that seem to be the most common phrase in this place?

Po1s0n

>.<

Just Some Thoughts

I like how you found a friend who happens to be a pastor of a church.  I'm glad for you.  Then why do I feel so left out?  I've met his wife once, and she's so quiet!  How can I get to know someone who doesn't even talk?  It's great that you're looking for a men's bible study, but what about me?  I need a break from the kid once in a while.  I need a social life!  And I need a CHRISTIAN social life!  I just don't know where to get it...

I'm gonna try not to care about your weight anymore.  I'm not going to complain when you want pop.  I'm not gonna say anything when you bring candy or pop to bed.  I won't even openly disbelieve you when you say you drink all water at work and tea at McD's.  I'm not even going to roll my eyes at you when you say you want something OTHER than water, because you've been drinking it so much.  And when you want to go out to eat?  The only reason I'm going to say no is because I'm trying so hard to save money.  We have food here than needs to be eaten.

You say you want to save money.  You say you want to lose weight.  Then why do you order those extra crab Rangoon when I tell you there's 7 of them in the fridge?  Do you really need to eat 8 one night and 7 the next day?  We need to eat out less often.  And we need to get healthier food for eating at home.  Granted, the healthier food is more expensive...

But like I said, I'm not going to care anymore.  I won't care about your weight; I won't care about your health.

Po1son.

Staying Put *pout*

I want to throw a huge tantrum, but either I'm tantrumed out or can actually think things through.  I wanna move so badly to another town, but my husband is **logically** dragging his feet about it.  School is giving him issues, work can't really work with him and keep him on full time.. and the other part that I see is that we have a roommate soon who also works here.  So.. having more time gives him more time to get a transfer going.

I hate this.  I don't want to live here.  I want to go live where my friends live.  I want that great Christian environment.  I don't have that here.  This is a crucial time for my faith, too...

Poison.

Why I Prefer Characters

My characters will put a new bag in when they take out the trash.  They change the toilet paper roll.  They are fiscally responsible.  They use logic!  They do what I ask without grumbling about it.  They care about their friends and significant others and about what they do instead of what they look like.  Characters don't care if I get mad at them.  They actually have a reason for everything they do...

Po1s0n

Turning My Music to Volume: Deaf

So I find it funny that another guy actually hears me while you go on ignoring me for video games and hulu.  Fine.  Maybe the online world will actually listen.  And I think you would be interested in this.  Also, this is great to talk about as parents.  But whatever.  Love you too...

I never realized how technologically hooked we are to need "breaks" from eating to check our devices.
http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/parenting/10-things-you-dont-know-about-teens-and-social-networking-2527367/

I'm sorry, but my kids aren't even getting cell phones until they need them and aren't getting laptops until they either are required by their school or when the graduate from high school.  A computer won't be going into their room, because sleep is more important.  School is more important.  And if my 16 year old has a cell phone, they won't be using it at the table.  Ever.  No "breaks" during the meal, and the meal isn't going to be shortened just because their friend keeps texting them.

On another note, I would hate to remove a "friend" from facebook but she disappeared for forever and is now posting the occasional item on facebook but ignoring all of her friends who were worried about her the whole time.  The good news?  She's not dead after all.  Yay.  But thanks for being such a freaking jerk to everyone.

Poison.

SAHM

I hate being a stay at home mother.  He's teething so is cranky like he needs a nap, but of course, he won't go to sleep.  My husband gets to be out until late, so by the time he gets home, there's only one more feeding before bedtime.  I'm so tired of these headaches that I have getting worse because of my son's whining.  I'm not a bad parent; just very tired.

Poison.

Again... Sorry!

You want a hug and when I say I still have homework, you get frustrated and mumble something about it only taking "one second"

Well... so does pausing a game to take care of our son.

Poison.

Sorry

I'm sorry that taking care of our son is such a burden for you.  I'm sorry that the "pause" button was created for a reason.  I'm sorry that in my head, my school is more important than your video games.

Poison.

Well...

This time it's not video games; it's random trailers and other videos and facebook.  Oh, and he's on two computers at once.

Poison.

Dear Subconscious...

Hello, brain.  It's me again.  Umm... listen... I know he's here all the time and everything, but these dreams are something I really don't need right now, all things considered.  Especially when I can't get them out of my head.  Then, they come up at random times, and... well... he's still at my place.  Luckily, my Aunt Flo is here to help cool things down, but I'd rather not have to have her help.

Lord, PLEASE get rid of these thoughts and dreams for me.  Thanks.

Pois0n[ed]

Why Do I Wait?

I'm at home bored and for some reason think that having my husband home will ease the boredom somehow.  It doesn't.  Maybe I'm anxious for his arrival for some help with the kid.  No, that's probably not it either, since simply asking for him to make a bottle gets him a little cranky.  And if the kiddo is crying, it's ME that has to go figure out why.  Excuses are either:  "I didn't hear him" or a shouting "You're okay" without even checking on him.  Whatever.  I mean, even as I write this, the baby is crying.  Of course, the dishwasher is running, the husband is playing video games and watching YouTube.  What am I doing?  Blogging.  Listening to the baby cry.

At least he started supper while I was out running.

Poison.

How Much More?

I deal with the same thing over and over again, and it wears me down.  I can go from happy to emotionally exhausted in just moments.  He takes things out of proportion and breaks down and panics over the same things all the time.  Does he not understand that we have always made it through and will continue to do so?  I need people to vent to other than him but don't have a whole lot of options.  The option I do have is friends with him and has flirted with me on more than one occasion.  Though I trust him (because of how good of friends they are), my SO has indicated that he worries sometimes that there may be something going on.  No... But it would be good to be able to talk to him without HIM around.  ....It would be good to vent to someone who actually sees this on a daily basis and can calm ME down... Ya know... after all of the calming HIM down.

Poison.

His Mom

I already feel like I have somehow already gained the title of "his mom" rather than my own name.... by my own relatives!  A perfectly normal conversation will result in talking about him within just a few texts.  "Put him on Skype" "I want to do this with him next time I see him" etc.  While that's all well in good, it would be nice to be remembered as a person rather than just as a mother.

Poison.

Grr My Mind

Sometimes I feel like I could just hold your hand and cuddle up to you.  Just that; nothing more.  I trust you.  Sadly, you are not my husband. 

You Can Leave Me Alone Now

Okay, hormones, you can leave me alone now.  I'm guessing you are here to signify Aunt Flo's arrival, but can you turn it down just a little bit?  I don't need to be having hormonal charges when someone who is not my husband comes through my mind.  Especially when I know I could easily take what you supposedly need from both my husband and this guy.  And especially when that guy is a friend that I would like to keep in the friend zone.  Darn men always have to complicate things >.<

Poison(ed)

Back To...

I'm going back to the beginning in a way...
Rewriting an old memoir...
Okay, so it's not that old.  It's a few years old, and now I feel it's time to start over

from the beginning.

It was hard to write the first time.  And that was the shortened version.  Can't wait to see what kind of pain God brings to light for healing this time.

Poison.

Secrets are Hard

Keeping a secret is hard; especially when you don't want to fight over something related to it.

HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION:

A guy is on a business trip but gets to come home early.  His wife is planning on visiting him, but he says no.  His reason is because he will be coming home before the expected time and doesn't want her to book a flight.  Her thoughts think he doesn't want her up there, because he is cheating on her.

The secret is a really good secret but can be a cause of fights.  Bleh.

Poison.

Completion

Well, you finally got it done at 1am technically TWO DAYS after the day you told me it would be done.  You said "It will be done by Saturday night.  I promise."  It was done at 1am Monday morning.

I still can't see how it took so long.

Long hard evening?  You played games!  With friends!

Poison.

Dependancy

So my ex decided that I would never have to be dependent of anyone, yet basically made me dependent on him.  Kind of counterproductive.  Being a stay at home mom has taught me much more.

However, I went for a visit to another state and forgot my most important text book for school:  the one that actually has the labs in it.  I realized it early enough to pass on the needed information to my husband so that he could get it done in time rather than have overdue assignments.

Guess what.  They are overdue.  He had all week to work on it (and it's REALLY super EASY.. I mean you just follow directions!), and it's still not done thirty minutes after the due date.  Instead of helping me out, he's been busy doing other stuff with other people for himself.

One time offenses aren't as big of a deal, even if they are upsetting.  But when I was working and relying on him to get to work, I would be constantly late.  There have been times where we've needed to do something within a month or two that would never get done.  Thanks to that last one, my son is no longer on health insurance.

It stacks up.  But I can't say anything to him, because no matter what I do or say, he gets offended.  I try to be honest and open about my feelings (and try to do it in a loving manner) and get shot down.  I thought you were supposed to talk about how you felt in a relationship.

I'm pretty upset that I try so hard to do good in school, and he's "supportive" but when it comes time to rely on him for help, he takes his sweet little time--which is far TOO LONG.

Poison.

Okay...

Okay, I won't be honest anymore.  I just won't say anything and bottle up all my feelings inside.  Maybe that will help things.

Poison.

Mixed Feelings

Well, I'm not pregnant.  I started the monthly.  It's still weird how hungry I am, but the blood is there with no pain indicating another miscarriage.

Oddly, I have mixed feelings about this.

Poison.

The Waiting Game

How long can I really wait until I go tear up the bathroom in hopes of finding my leftover pregnancy test?  Can I really wait until next month?

Every pregnancy is different, and I keep hearing about how miserable one gender made pregnancies and then how the other gender was different.  I mean, I'm just tired and hungry all the time.  The spotting could have been nothing.  The occasional heartburn I get is normal... sometimes.  Nausea?  Not really... Except yesterday I had the last of the juice I made a couple of days ago without anything to eat and got sickish...

I don't think I'm overly emotional... maybe a tad cranky, but that's cuz I'm tired.  But... I wasn't overly emotional with the little man either.

I'm not congested like I was the last time either.

However, my hips are already starting to hurt like they did when I was with him, but I haven't been to the chiropractor in forever either.  Of course, normally that effects my neck and shoulders more than my hips, and there was a pain one day in my pelvic region, but it would be too early for that.. I mean, those started before the spotting... And with the little man, I had no clue until one day when I got seriously sick from shrimp and spotted with no period.

I could probably do this back and forth thing with myself all day, but I wouldn't have anything to show for it except more fear.  I don't know how to wait a whole month (I told my husband a couple of weeks) before taking the dratted test.

I'm just making myself more impatient.
This is what I get for asking God not to be on my period while performing on stage.
Thanks, God.

Poison.

The thing I posted extremely early this morning is still very much on my mind.  I'm still praying that I'm not pregnant but trying to think realistically just in case.  If I am, I have to go even further from my friends.  Husband won't even consider adoption, even though I think an open adoption would be okay.  But honestly, this early, we would have to move closer to family (his family, of course...) and play this whole hoping to get a transfer or get a job thing and hoping to find an apartment that will take us and the two cats and the two kids but also be big enough for said cats and kids (mainly the kids)...

But I'm probably stressing over nothing.

I mean, I thought of one of the perfect places to go... but then thought about the cats and how I probably couldn't take them there with me without them being outdoor cats (bad idea since I know that area and they don't like the idea of sharing territory, and either does the cat they would be sharing with).  Could suggest installing a door... Not sure about having to pay rent or not, but there's three bedrooms not being used and plenty of people to help with the kids while still ensuring our own independence with them as well as understand our rules and following them.  However, it is not exactly an environment I want my kids in for very long.  So that idea may as well just be scratched out.

*sigh*  This sucks.  Just the thinking about what could be happening sucks.  But I won't know for sure for another couple of weeks, so I'm probably just having pregnancy-like PMS symptoms...  Bleh!  I can't recall ever PMSing like this before.

Anyway, I need food.

Poison.

Childish Things

I never thought I would even be thinking about child number two this early in the game, but my loving husband is constantly joking about me being pregnant already.  It got me to thinking that having a little girl would be great, but I want us to plan that one five years down the road when our son is in school.

Lately, I've been tired and hungry like you wouldn't believe, and this is probably the first night I can't sleep very well (yes I am up at 2am and it has nothing to do with my son).  Naturally, with my husband's constant comments about pregnancy and the little sister our son needs, my mind instantly thinks to that and how I really do not want to be pregnant while my son is only 4 months old.

And of course, how could I be pregnant when we've only had sex like three times since birth and every time was protected?

I'll admit I've been praying to start my period early so that I don't have to perform while I'm on it, so I was ecstatic when I started spotting.

Only, that's all I did...

It's common for periods to be erratic after labor, but mine went right on being toward the end of the month like normal and hasn't been different.

But I'm not taking that pregnancy test until the second week of next month with no sign of Ms. Monthly.  Meanwhile, I'm praying that it's just my husband's words that are giving me this fear.  There is no way I'm ready for another kid right now.  One is plenty.

Poison.

WTH

I hate telling you things, because you take it personally; even when it has nothing to do with you.  I hurt you when I'm the one who is shattered.

That picture you drew for me a couple of years ago (longer than that...) keeps coming back into my head.  "I am not broken" it said.  But I am...

Or maybe I'm too solid.

I feel like I wrapped myself up in steel, closed the door, locked it and threw away the key.  You're my husband!!  I shouldn't feel this way.

I opened myself up to so many guys, but when I think about it, I'm pretty sure I was closed off even then.  I opened myself up to you when we were just dating... didn't I?

What am I afraid of?

"I'm scared... of what? ... I... I don't know..."  Thoughts going through my head 90mph, but this was all it said.  I wanted to curl up into a ball until you moved to the other side of the bed in frustration.  Finally, I just rolled over.

Why am I so tense!?  I went to bed wanting to give to you what you deserve.  And I couldn't.  So I rolled over, defeated even by myself... that part of me I know nothing about.  And cried.

I had to tell you why when I asked, but all I could manage was "I don't know."  I think I even mumbled a "just go"; glad you didn't hear it.  You would have left the bed entirely, and that wasn't what I meant.  I just wanted you to back off a little and stop pushing me.  God, how I wanted to tell you "Please don't push."  I couldn't even do that, for fear you would be angry at yourself.  When you are, you throw it around the atmosphere carelessly.  I feel every sting you feel... and feel you're really mad at me.

I'm trying to figure this out... {{or am I}} but even I have no idea what's going on.  Like I said, it's that part of me that I know nothing about.

I probably need therapy, but in this, I feel alone... this problem of mine; who deals with that?  Either you want it or you don't!  If you want it, you have it.

Why can't it be that simple for me?

Poison{ed}

Damned Cigarettes

I have craved cigarettes since I was a small child.  I found that white filter stuff on the ground, picked it up and sniffed it (why, I have no idea).  Ever since then, it was more than just curiosity.

My chance came a few years later when I was a teenager.  My ex was smoking behind the school and offered me one.  I shrugged figuring "why not?  my life is in ruins anyway."  I smoked very few cigs, but the craving never left.  Back then, I actually realized cigarettes had flavor.  I quit and picked it up again a few months later.  When I picked it up again, it tasted like it smells.  Horrible.

So I quit again.  I became even more sensitive to the smoke and now consider myself allergic.  My eyes burn and it gets hard to breathe when I'm around too much of it.

One of these days, I am going to bum one off of a friend, smoke it, and remind myself of why I don't do it anymore.  It's a pointless habit, but these cravings have been at me for longer than I'd care to admit.  If I don't satisfy it, it won't leave me alone.

On the flip side, what if I figure out that they don't taste as bad as that last one did... Then, it will be even harder to kick.

Oh God, that you give me the strength to make it through this.

Poison.

Oh by the way... I got a blind date going for my friend that does The Blind Date Project ;)

The Great What-Ifs

I was thinking about this a lot last night (you know, instead of sleeping).

What if I had stuck by my original word?  I said, when I moved to a different state, "No more guys."  What did I do?  Found 3 I instantly had a crush on.  One of the crushes dwindled rather quickly as my heart moved on to the other two possibles.  Because of one crush, I met another one.  I allowed myself to cheat on my secret boyfriend back home for the nth time with that last crush.  The others dwindled over time (though I admit it took a very long while), and I became a wife and mother.  I would not ask for a different man.

But if I had stuck by that "no more guys" rule, certain things would not have happened.  Would I have spent all that extra time at his house getting to know him?  Probably not.  Maybe I would have taken my time, done things right, dated and eventually married one of my original crushes.  I would still be in school, I may still have my ex as a friend, and I probably wouldn't think much about the man that I did marry in real life.

And maybe I would have found someone totally new that I had never met in real life because of the poor choices I made.

All in all, I'm not sure I would have been as happy as I am today.  I'm glad I made bad choices.  Yeah, I learned from them.  But I also learned that they truly do depict the outcomes of our lives, and sometimes mistakes can be the best choices you've ever made.

Poison.

Get These Thoughts Out of My Head!!!

I am seriously getting frustrated at all of these bad thoughts I've been having.  Curiosity goes up, and I'm left screaming at myself.  "No!  Bad idea!  Bad, Poison, bad!"

And then I think "Well maybe if I do this, these thoughts will go away."  But it's not from God, so why am I thinking them?

Ugh!

Poison.

Like a Fresh Drink of Cold Water

Things are much better.  I took the news hard (as expected), talked with a good friend, and moved on.  There may be days where I am depressed/hurt over it, but the general consensus is that.. It's really no different what I did and what someone else did, so I have no right (yet every right) to be hurt.  I am taking a deep breath and moving on.  As my friend said "the past is the past."  The end.

I am just happy that honesty has been renewed.  Now, trust should be easier to gain :)

Numb.

You said it would hurt me.  Oddly, I'm only a little bit hurt... for now.  It probably hasn't hit me yet.  I don't know how to feel about it.  I would be a hypocrite to be hurt, because wasn't I doing far worse when we met?  I'm glad you are being honest with me [[finally]].  I will probably be a little more .... I will be checking up on you a bit more... except that I don't know your email passwords.

I'm scared you'll do it again, since I'm not overly hurt by it.  Isn't that what I did over and over again in my past?  He wasn't hurt, so I kept on doing it... only to find out he was just hiding the pain.

I'm more numb than anything right now.  I thought I only didn't like her because of the things she said about me.. about us.. or was that a lie, too?  You said before you wanted us to get along.  I knew it would never happen, but I didn't realize how deep that dislike and distrust was until last night when you told me I had been right all along in my thoughts.

Yes, it was in the back of my mind.  I tried to push it out.  The funny thing is, I thought it was the second time you went against your word.  Not the first.  Now I have to try to push out any thoughts about the second time.  I would never have done that with what had happened that first time.

I guess I'm just glad that you didn't take it way too far.  Too far, yes, but it could have been farther.  I will try to trust that nothing else happened that night or the second one...

Poison.

...

every time I think about leaving,
I realize I have nowhere to go.

I Hate Your Lies

I want to stay with you.  I do.
But I can't take this dishonesty anymore.
You need to straighten up your act.

Please... I can't imagine life without you.
But why should I live my life in question?
I'm not happy this way.

Welcome to the World Wide Web

Hi.  This is the internet.  This is a place I can say whatever the hell I want to whenever the hell I want to.  If you can't handle the fact that I miss/love your son, because he's FAMILY, you need to kindly get off your high horse, build a freaking bridge, and GET THE FREAK OVER IT!!!  Especially when there is no drama involved for you to get upset over.  I get it.  You want me out of your freaking life.  Well too bad.  My husband loves his father who just happens to be your husband (guess who came first.. it wasn't you).  And amazingly, your husband loves his son!  Both of them!  Maybe you can't get that through your thick skull, but I'm fed up with this shit.  As I said in a previous post, "if you're supposed to be an example of maturity, I'll stick with being immature."

And of course, you'll probably find this post and create drama from it, but I think you need to stop faking it.  Go ahead and tell him how you REALLY feel about us.  You want us out of your life; especially me.  And I can't figure out why.  Seriously.

I've grown up.  Isn't about time you did, too?

Poison.

I've been thinking of you more often lately
And about how much I care for you
I just want you to be happy
Not like this
Beating yourself up again and again
I'm not even sure you realize you do it

You throw yourself into your work
Claiming it's what you love
But we both know
You're just hiding

And you won't look
Right under your nose
To find
Exactly what you're looking for.

[March 26, 2011]

So... I have decided I am going to be REAL no matter who sees this blog.  Now, that doesn't mean I won't beat around the bush and make a million hints and bunny trails that basically lead absolutely NOWHERE, but... I'm still going to be me.  And if I hurt your feelings?  Well, you'll probably get over it.

Poison.

I Wonder if You Know

I keep telling myself it's not true.  I mean, a week.. not even!  A crush.  More?  I don't know.  I'm in love with you.  No, it's not the same as the in love I am with my husband.  But a different one.  I love you, but it's a type of love I don't recall ever feeling before.  Not even for another person... A different person on my mind.  That type of love is its own as well.

How many loves can exist in one heart--in one mind?

I wonder if you know how I feel.  I can't even explain it.  It's just there.  This compulsion towards you, my non-blood brother.  And it's not going away.  No matter how often I wish it would.

Poison.

Maturity?

If you're supposed to be an example of maturity, I think I'll just stick with being immature.  I mean, really.  You're my "friend" then you're not my "friend."  Then you are again.  Then you're not.  Are we in elementary??

You're older than me, yet you have to delete me and then re-add me and then delete me again on FaceBook.  It's FaceBook!

I go on that account to see how MY little brother in law is doing and to ask you personally only to find out that the account doesn't exist as one of my friends.  I have a feeling you delete me and then your husband re-adds me.  After-all, it IS a joint account.

I love my son's uncle, but you push me out of your life as much as possible, and I can't understand why. When I was out of town, you decided to tag along with your hubby AND bring the kid.  But "he doesn't travel well" when I am in town.  Nice.

If you weren't a part of this family, I would just say "good riddance."  It's obvious how much you hate me.  But you need to grow up and get over it.  I'm part of this family just as much as you are.

Poison.