Animal crackers? PopTarts? Oatmeal? Umm... Bread?
Yeah... As much as I hate to clean sticky off of your fingers, it looks like the both of us will be eating PB&Js for a while.
The kitty is sick and needs to go to the vet. Sorry, but we don't have any food after that.
I talked to my mom, and she said she might be able to send a little bit. Enough for sandwich fixins. Which is hopefully enough to buy tuna and miracle whip. And hotdogs. For kiddo.
I'm honestly hoping we'll be able to afford whatever meds kitty has to take. I feel so bad that he has to be miserable over the whole weekend. :(
Monday, we're going to the vet. He can hide and protest all he wants, but I'll drag him out so he can get all better. And then maybe give him a little tiny bit of something yummy =3
I have $70 to my name and the vet visit is going to be $56. No idea on the meds. Hopefully, he doesn't have any stones and it is JUST a UTI (nothing extra that will sap all of our money and more).
Because, well, emergencies happen.
I don't even know if we're going to be able to go west for turkey-day. And if we don't, then we have to stay right here and have no turkey-day (but I'll give thanks that my baby is okay).
This sucks.
I tried to figure out how to get a chip-in going or find something for low-income, but all low-income I found was fixing and emergencies (which this isn't YET and I have to go to the vet to determine that it is before I can apply). I had to set it up through PayPal, but I hadn't set up a bank account with mine yet and it wasn't letting me. I'm just so frustrated at all of this.
I should have seen it sooner, and I didn't. I'm kicking myself over and over again, but my baby isn't getting any better. I feel SO bad.
I'm going to try to use my hubby's PayPal, but I don't know his password.
Po1s0n.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Thursday, November 15, 2012
I Never Knew She Would Change My Life
Ah, facebook. The wonderful world of cute kitty pictures/videos that make me remember just how much I love my boys.
And remind me of a cat who made me realize that life without a cat just really is no life at all. RIP, kitty. You'll always have my heart.
I have pretty much always had a cat in my life. I remember the time between cats as being empty. I'm pretty sure I begged Mom to get us another kitty. Eventually, she did. And we got a beautiful, shy feline. I was very happy, but she seemed to be afraid of me. I finally gained her trust, and though I always thought of her as Mom's cat, I think she had a pretty big soft spot for me, too.
She would climb into my bed at night, even though I was on the top bunk. Even after she had her front claws removed, she still found a way. She would cuddle with me for a while and then leave, as cats do.
There was a time when I realized just how special she was. That was the time when I realized I couldn't live without a cat in my life. She was an amazing kitty, and I will never forget her.
So now I have two beautiful feline-sons that have my heart. But it's because of her that I believe in the powers of owning a cat. I believe God granted these animals with so many gifts. The trick is; them being bothered to use them ;)
Po1s0n.
And remind me of a cat who made me realize that life without a cat just really is no life at all. RIP, kitty. You'll always have my heart.
I have pretty much always had a cat in my life. I remember the time between cats as being empty. I'm pretty sure I begged Mom to get us another kitty. Eventually, she did. And we got a beautiful, shy feline. I was very happy, but she seemed to be afraid of me. I finally gained her trust, and though I always thought of her as Mom's cat, I think she had a pretty big soft spot for me, too.
She would climb into my bed at night, even though I was on the top bunk. Even after she had her front claws removed, she still found a way. She would cuddle with me for a while and then leave, as cats do.
There was a time when I realized just how special she was. That was the time when I realized I couldn't live without a cat in my life. She was an amazing kitty, and I will never forget her.
So now I have two beautiful feline-sons that have my heart. But it's because of her that I believe in the powers of owning a cat. I believe God granted these animals with so many gifts. The trick is; them being bothered to use them ;)
Po1s0n.
Monday, November 12, 2012
You Don't Pay The Bills
Yet you continue to uncaringly rack up our electric bill. I can't wait to leave you behind. I can't wait till I no longer have a roommate who HAS to have the TV on to sleep. You never even turn it off when you go to your computer even though you put your headphones on. You're not paying the bills so quit racking them up!
That's my rant for the day.
P.
That's my rant for the day.
P.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
The Next Big Thing
There's this thing for us writer's to help get known. It's called a blog hop or whatever (lol). At any rate, the gist is that there is an interview. I answer the questions and then pass it along via links afterwords. You, the reader, follow those links and then those links and then... Well, you get the idea. You get to check out their blogs and maybe find someone new you like to follow. Tadaa! Now, to get on with it.
Sorry ahead of time for rambling.
1. What is the working title of your book? Currently, it's just known as "The Agency" but I already know I'm going to nix that title.
2. Where did the idea come from for the book? I have no idea. I was just taking a shower one day when it came to me. I've had a character since I was in HS and she actually fit into the storyline. Other characters that I've created over the years also fit in, so it was kind of a great idea for me.
3. What genre does your book fall under? Modern Fantasy mostly, though there are some Science Fiction aspects in it as well. It's also Young Adult.
4. Which actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie rendition? I'm media challenged, so I really have no idea haha. Three of my characters are based on real-life friends of mine, so I'd want them to play their own characters. My husband could play his own character as well. Gwedian and Drake, I'm not sure, though maybe Taylor Lautner could play Drake. Gwedian starts off as a small child, so I would need at least two characters to play her (one child and one teen). Then there are two other characters that are based off of me and another friend. Obviously, we'd have to play those. :)
5. What is the one-sentence synopsis of your book? I haven't gotten one of those yet. I know that a lot of the time, my stories go other directions, so I don't really want to sum it up yet. If I think of one, I'll edit this and let you all know.
6. Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency? I should probably get an agent, because they have all the contacts. I know I'll need proffesional editing and help with queries and the like.
7. How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript? I'm still working on it. I'm actually on the 5th or 6th first draft. This story has been in my head for about a year.
8. What other books would you compare this story to within your genre? Again, I'm media challenged. I have a hard time remembering titles. The Riley Jenson (sp) Guardian Series has some aspects that are also in my book, but that's the only one I would compare it to.
9. Who or What inspired you to write this book? I don't really think anything inspired it. Like I said, I was in the shower one day and just came up with it. Certain things inspired the characters like my real-life peoples and things I came across in life, and I just put those together.
10. What else about your book might pique the reader’s interest? I should just tell you about it, because every time I explain it, people think it's a pretty epic idea. Basically, The Agency is a group of people that are against The Company (AKA M.C. Corps). The Company is a group of scientists that have taken over the world as we know it. They created a drug to make normal humans become shifters, but it didn't work like it was supposed to. Instead of giving humans the ability to shift and the much longer life, 90% died horrible painful deaths. 3% were fine and received either full or partial benefits of the shifters. The remaining percentage vanished. Those drugged humans who disappeared shifted into animal form and could never shift back. Most babies who were born after their mother had taken the drug were born with severe birth defects or died shortly after birth. Eventually, scientists were able to help some of those who couldn't shift back. The drug sales were stopped by the actual government. The scientists weren't happy with the results and began kidnapping natural shifters and any who defended them. Eventually, they began kidnapping both normal and drug-altered humans for research. Their obsession with this made them a bit crazy, and they began taking over; creating more labs and making their own government and laws. The Agency was formed to combat these scientists (The Company). And the book's about all that.
Now, because I don't have a very large group of writers who also have blogs, I'm going to redirect you to the examples I was given. :)
http://bridgetteohare.blogspot.com/2012/09/week-12-next-big-thing.html
http://josslandry.com/book-reviews-other-news-the-next-big-thing-2/
And the person who sent me here: http://jeanlauzier.com/
Po1s0n.
Sorry ahead of time for rambling.
1. What is the working title of your book? Currently, it's just known as "The Agency" but I already know I'm going to nix that title.
2. Where did the idea come from for the book? I have no idea. I was just taking a shower one day when it came to me. I've had a character since I was in HS and she actually fit into the storyline. Other characters that I've created over the years also fit in, so it was kind of a great idea for me.
3. What genre does your book fall under? Modern Fantasy mostly, though there are some Science Fiction aspects in it as well. It's also Young Adult.
4. Which actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie rendition? I'm media challenged, so I really have no idea haha. Three of my characters are based on real-life friends of mine, so I'd want them to play their own characters. My husband could play his own character as well. Gwedian and Drake, I'm not sure, though maybe Taylor Lautner could play Drake. Gwedian starts off as a small child, so I would need at least two characters to play her (one child and one teen). Then there are two other characters that are based off of me and another friend. Obviously, we'd have to play those. :)
5. What is the one-sentence synopsis of your book? I haven't gotten one of those yet. I know that a lot of the time, my stories go other directions, so I don't really want to sum it up yet. If I think of one, I'll edit this and let you all know.
6. Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency? I should probably get an agent, because they have all the contacts. I know I'll need proffesional editing and help with queries and the like.
7. How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript? I'm still working on it. I'm actually on the 5th or 6th first draft. This story has been in my head for about a year.
8. What other books would you compare this story to within your genre? Again, I'm media challenged. I have a hard time remembering titles. The Riley Jenson (sp) Guardian Series has some aspects that are also in my book, but that's the only one I would compare it to.
9. Who or What inspired you to write this book? I don't really think anything inspired it. Like I said, I was in the shower one day and just came up with it. Certain things inspired the characters like my real-life peoples and things I came across in life, and I just put those together.
10. What else about your book might pique the reader’s interest? I should just tell you about it, because every time I explain it, people think it's a pretty epic idea. Basically, The Agency is a group of people that are against The Company (AKA M.C. Corps). The Company is a group of scientists that have taken over the world as we know it. They created a drug to make normal humans become shifters, but it didn't work like it was supposed to. Instead of giving humans the ability to shift and the much longer life, 90% died horrible painful deaths. 3% were fine and received either full or partial benefits of the shifters. The remaining percentage vanished. Those drugged humans who disappeared shifted into animal form and could never shift back. Most babies who were born after their mother had taken the drug were born with severe birth defects or died shortly after birth. Eventually, scientists were able to help some of those who couldn't shift back. The drug sales were stopped by the actual government. The scientists weren't happy with the results and began kidnapping natural shifters and any who defended them. Eventually, they began kidnapping both normal and drug-altered humans for research. Their obsession with this made them a bit crazy, and they began taking over; creating more labs and making their own government and laws. The Agency was formed to combat these scientists (The Company). And the book's about all that.
Now, because I don't have a very large group of writers who also have blogs, I'm going to redirect you to the examples I was given. :)
http://bridgetteohare.blogspot.com/2012/09/week-12-next-big-thing.html
http://josslandry.com/book-reviews-other-news-the-next-big-thing-2/
And the person who sent me here: http://jeanlauzier.com/
Po1s0n.
Monday, October 29, 2012
I Care Too Much
It's been less than a year since you've been divorced and now you're engaged to a gal you've never even met? I know you're on the rebound, but if you're actually being serious then you are just a big idiot! And desperate! I care for you like a brother, and I know you were never really happy in the marriage (she held you back from things you loved and I get that) but this fear of being alone will pass if you let it. Who am I kidding? I don't have any room to talk.
**
It's not the fact that we said we were going to save that loose change until the jar was full. It's the fact that you were going to use it to buy a "sandwich" because there was $1.07. You heard what the chiropractor said! Don't you CARE enough about our son to actually TRY to lose weight? But maybe I shouldn't care about my own husband enough to tell him not to take money out of our little saving jar. Maybe I shouldn't care that we don't really have the money to waste $1.07 on a stupid sandwich at McD's. No, I should just let you think with whatever wrong brain you're using. Because the wife is supposed to be a follower not a leader.
**
Po1s0n.
**
It's not the fact that we said we were going to save that loose change until the jar was full. It's the fact that you were going to use it to buy a "sandwich" because there was $1.07. You heard what the chiropractor said! Don't you CARE enough about our son to actually TRY to lose weight? But maybe I shouldn't care about my own husband enough to tell him not to take money out of our little saving jar. Maybe I shouldn't care that we don't really have the money to waste $1.07 on a stupid sandwich at McD's. No, I should just let you think with whatever wrong brain you're using. Because the wife is supposed to be a follower not a leader.
**
Po1s0n.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Cuz I'm a Quitter/Commitaphobe
...and yet I'm married. Who knew? Oh well, it's only a daily struggle with myself.
Anyway, yes, I quit the Love Dare. Why? Because it really didn't fit my life. And you know what? After I actually gave it up, my attitude got a lot better.
So we'll see how NaNoWriMo works out. Don't know what that is? Well, Google it for better understanding.
It's National Novel Writing Month or something like that.
I have to take November and write 50,000 words on my novel! Thankfully, it's only a rough draft. Because there will be a lot of grammar editing involved, I'm sure. Hey, I'm not perfect!
Let's hope I don't quit on that, too.
Poison.
Anyway, yes, I quit the Love Dare. Why? Because it really didn't fit my life. And you know what? After I actually gave it up, my attitude got a lot better.
So we'll see how NaNoWriMo works out. Don't know what that is? Well, Google it for better understanding.
It's National Novel Writing Month or something like that.
I have to take November and write 50,000 words on my novel! Thankfully, it's only a rough draft. Because there will be a lot of grammar editing involved, I'm sure. Hey, I'm not perfect!
Let's hope I don't quit on that, too.
Poison.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Dare 13
Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse. Do something he or she would love to do or a project they’d really like to work on. Just to be together.
I'm realizing that this book is made for couples who both have lives...
I have no life.
Therefore, I cannot purposefully neglect an activity to spend quality time with my husband.
Most of these things lately just haven't fit us. It sucks. Our lifestyle is completely different than the "normal" lifestyle, I guess.
Or maybe it's made mainly for men. Who, of course, have lives.
Not giving up. Just not able to do most of this stuff. I mean, I can do something with him if he wants me to. Just to be together.
Poison
I'm realizing that this book is made for couples who both have lives...
I have no life.
Therefore, I cannot purposefully neglect an activity to spend quality time with my husband.
Most of these things lately just haven't fit us. It sucks. Our lifestyle is completely different than the "normal" lifestyle, I guess.
Or maybe it's made mainly for men. Who, of course, have lives.
Not giving up. Just not able to do most of this stuff. I mean, I can do something with him if he wants me to. Just to be together.
Poison
Saturday, September 29, 2012
In Other News
Hubby decided to pre-register for the convention, because it was cheaper. We bought a moneypack thingy for PayPal, but he managed to scratch two of the numbers off (he used a quarter). So $69 later, we finally got him registered. -_- He is hoping that we can either refund the card or use PayPal to pay on electric or something. We had to pay twice, essentially. It sucked. Luckily, there was a guy online late last night that helped him get registered.
One cat is getting along much better with the baby. I really wish I knew where my camera was.
And my mood sucks. I have no idea why. Bleh!
Poison.
One cat is getting along much better with the baby. I really wish I knew where my camera was.
And my mood sucks. I have no idea why. Bleh!
Poison.
Dare 13
I know it seems like I skipped a few. I'm sorry. This really is where I'm at, though.
Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If your mate is not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to “fight” by. Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs.
Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If your mate is not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to “fight” by. Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs.
1. We will never mention divorce.
2. We will not bring up old, unrelated items from the past.
3. We will never fight in public or in front of our children.
4. We will call a “time out” if conflict escalates to a damaging level.
5. We will never touch one another in a harmful way.
6. We will never go to bed angry with one another.
7. Failure is not an option. Whatever it takes, we will work this out.
1. I will listen first before speaking. “Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger” (James 1:19).
2. I will deal with my own issues up-front. “Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3)
3. I will speak gently and keep my voice down. “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1).
I copied and pasted them from here.
Totally failed this yesterday :( I told him if he ever gave up on God, that was my deal-breaker. But at least we talked about it. You know, after the fight. Haven't fought like that in a long time, so I guess it's an improvement.
((I'm sorry about the weird formatting of this blog. After copying and pasting the lists, it started acting up.))
P.
PS: I'll edit this when I talk to him.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Slacker
Well, I've been slacking off pretty badly. And my attitude is getting worse :(
It doesn't help that the last few entries have been about asking him what he needs, and he doesn't need anything from me... what he does need is currently off limits.
I managed to get so angry at him today that I was shaking. Fantastic, right?
Why do I get so scared whenever he says something stupid like "God has probably abandoned us" or talking about abandoning Him. At the same time, am I really in the wrong?
I've been hearing God tell me to be patient for so long, and now it's hubby's turn to hear it. I'm still being patient, but he's not doing so well at it. We're not able to do everything he wants to do, and he's frustrated/stressed/whatever about it and freaking out.
All I said was that I wasn't going to the big gaming convention. That's it. I don't like the idea of having to advance for something, so I decided not to go. This saves money on the entry fee as well as gas, since we won't need to travel to drop the kiddo off. I told him he could go, but he was still freaking out about how he needs to be there for his might-someday-become-a-business deal. But I don't need to be there. He "wanted it to be a family thing" even though kiddo wouldn't be there. It's really not my thing. There's one panel I'd like to go to, but I'm not willing to pay money we don't have for it.
Anyway, enough of that.
We hung out the other day while waiting for a friend, and he said something that kind of hit my emotions.
He told me he'd be willing to adopt an infant girl later on in life when we're ready to. Definitely a start in where I was going with my dreams.
Sorry for my slacking.
Now.. what disagreement can I bow out of that won't hurt something else? -_-
P.
It doesn't help that the last few entries have been about asking him what he needs, and he doesn't need anything from me... what he does need is currently off limits.
I managed to get so angry at him today that I was shaking. Fantastic, right?
Why do I get so scared whenever he says something stupid like "God has probably abandoned us" or talking about abandoning Him. At the same time, am I really in the wrong?
I've been hearing God tell me to be patient for so long, and now it's hubby's turn to hear it. I'm still being patient, but he's not doing so well at it. We're not able to do everything he wants to do, and he's frustrated/stressed/whatever about it and freaking out.
All I said was that I wasn't going to the big gaming convention. That's it. I don't like the idea of having to advance for something, so I decided not to go. This saves money on the entry fee as well as gas, since we won't need to travel to drop the kiddo off. I told him he could go, but he was still freaking out about how he needs to be there for his might-someday-become-a-business deal. But I don't need to be there. He "wanted it to be a family thing" even though kiddo wouldn't be there. It's really not my thing. There's one panel I'd like to go to, but I'm not willing to pay money we don't have for it.
Anyway, enough of that.
We hung out the other day while waiting for a friend, and he said something that kind of hit my emotions.
He told me he'd be willing to adopt an infant girl later on in life when we're ready to. Definitely a start in where I was going with my dreams.
Sorry for my slacking.
Now.. what disagreement can I bow out of that won't hurt something else? -_-
P.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Dare 9
GREET YOUR SPOUSE WARMLY AND AFFECTIONATELY.
Well, I said hello and told him I loved him when he got in the door. I also asked him how his day was. He didn't act any differently towards me, so I guess maybe I didn't do it right. But when I asked him how I could greet him better, he told me to do exactly what I did. He said he might not have been paying attention lol. Too focused on greeting the baby ;)
Today, I'm supposed to do something out of the ordinary to show that my love is out of choice. I don't know what to do. I'll figure something out, I guess.
Poison.
Well, I said hello and told him I loved him when he got in the door. I also asked him how his day was. He didn't act any differently towards me, so I guess maybe I didn't do it right. But when I asked him how I could greet him better, he told me to do exactly what I did. He said he might not have been paying attention lol. Too focused on greeting the baby ;)
Today, I'm supposed to do something out of the ordinary to show that my love is out of choice. I don't know what to do. I'll figure something out, I guess.
Poison.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Dare 8
So thanking him for caring about me WAS kind of out of the blue. He was perplexed. I tried explaining to him that it wasn't for anything specific but for everything in the last four years. I *think* he got it lol
I finally sat down and made the lists for Dare #7--
Positive and Negative things about him.
I wrote the positive things down first, so it was actually more difficult to think of negatives. That's how I should train my brain. Any time I think of a negative thing, I'm going to try to think of positive things in its place.
The negative list is shredded up, and the positive list is hidden in plain sight if I have a snooping husband. It's written in the journal I keep next to my side of the bed.
Of course, so is the list of wrongful motivations.
I'm finally all caught up.
Dare 8
Determine to become your spouse’s biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy. To help set your heart on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday’s list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed.
The title of today's section is called "Love Is Not Jealous"
The thing that hit home the most was not being jealous of his successes. It's no secret that I wish I could go back to school. It's also no secret that I have a specific one in mind. And I can't get there yet. It's not his fault, but he gets to go to school. So I have been swallowing that jealousy for a long time. I've been trying hard to be happy for him rather than to feel negative. Even before this challenge.
He starts school next week.
The most recent achievement I can think of would be that he went to a management training class. It doesn't really mean anything, except that they did tell him he was a great candidate. Again, with this store, it means pretty much nothing except a way to get his hopes up, but it does look good on a resume.
I've already told him how proud I am of him for it.
Maybe I'll tell him how proud I am that he is sticking with it instead of giving up, even though the store he works at is setting itself up for total failure (and I mean to the point of closing it down). Hopefully, they get rid of the current manager they have, but corporate is tying hands as well, so it's just not looking good.
Poor hubby has to put up with that crap along with dealing with rude customers and fellow employees (plus the crappy manager).
I'd say that's an achievement, wouldn't you?
Poison.
I finally sat down and made the lists for Dare #7--
Positive and Negative things about him.
I wrote the positive things down first, so it was actually more difficult to think of negatives. That's how I should train my brain. Any time I think of a negative thing, I'm going to try to think of positive things in its place.
The negative list is shredded up, and the positive list is hidden in plain sight if I have a snooping husband. It's written in the journal I keep next to my side of the bed.
Of course, so is the list of wrongful motivations.
I'm finally all caught up.
Dare 8
Determine to become your spouse’s biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy. To help set your heart on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday’s list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed.
The title of today's section is called "Love Is Not Jealous"
The thing that hit home the most was not being jealous of his successes. It's no secret that I wish I could go back to school. It's also no secret that I have a specific one in mind. And I can't get there yet. It's not his fault, but he gets to go to school. So I have been swallowing that jealousy for a long time. I've been trying hard to be happy for him rather than to feel negative. Even before this challenge.
He starts school next week.
The most recent achievement I can think of would be that he went to a management training class. It doesn't really mean anything, except that they did tell him he was a great candidate. Again, with this store, it means pretty much nothing except a way to get his hopes up, but it does look good on a resume.
I've already told him how proud I am of him for it.
Maybe I'll tell him how proud I am that he is sticking with it instead of giving up, even though the store he works at is setting itself up for total failure (and I mean to the point of closing it down). Hopefully, they get rid of the current manager they have, but corporate is tying hands as well, so it's just not looking good.
Poor hubby has to put up with that crap along with dealing with rude customers and fellow employees (plus the crappy manager).
I'd say that's an achievement, wouldn't you?
Poison.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Dare 6 and 7
I'm horrible at actually making lists.
I did NOT make a list of wrong motivations for dare 6; nor did I make a list of places to add margin in my life.
So! Wrong motivations... Uh... Selfishness? Laziness? Does laziness count as a "motivation" when it's pretty much the opposite? That's really all I can think of.
Today's dare was to make two lists; one of traits I don't like about my spouse and the other one that I do like. I'm also supposed to thank him for one of the things that I do like.
I think "caring about me" is the one I'm going to thank him for. Sadly, it won't be completely out of the blue, but I'll thank him anyway.
I already know what tomorrow's dare is. I'm supposed to burn the list of negative things. I can't really burn it, so I'll just rip it to shreds. I don't really want to risk burning the apartment down... lol
P.
I did NOT make a list of wrong motivations for dare 6; nor did I make a list of places to add margin in my life.
So! Wrong motivations... Uh... Selfishness? Laziness? Does laziness count as a "motivation" when it's pretty much the opposite? That's really all I can think of.
Today's dare was to make two lists; one of traits I don't like about my spouse and the other one that I do like. I'm also supposed to thank him for one of the things that I do like.
I think "caring about me" is the one I'm going to thank him for. Sadly, it won't be completely out of the blue, but I'll thank him anyway.
I already know what tomorrow's dare is. I'm supposed to burn the list of negative things. I can't really burn it, so I'll just rip it to shreds. I don't really want to risk burning the apartment down... lol
P.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Dare 5
Yesterday's dare was #5.
ASK YOUR SPOUSE FOR THREE THINGS THAT MAKE HIM UNCOMFORTABLE OR IRRITATED WITH YOU. DO NOT GET DEFENSIVE OR TRY TO JUSTIFY YOUR ACTIONS.
His responses weren't what I expected at all. In fact, he actually couldn't think of anything right away and had to think about it.
1) He doesn't like the walls I put up around myself.
2) He doesn't like that I seem unhappy with where life turned up.
3) He doesn't like it when I get irritated at him for not going to bed. "But that's just a small thing."
The first two, I completely understood and didn't fight him on them. No problem. The third one, I slipped up and tried to justify it, but shut up before I got too much into it. I understand where he's coming from.
I can't sleep without him, so #3 is going to be very difficult to control.
#1 is impossible by myself. That one is going to take a LOT of prayer.
#2 is a matter of being patient and being completely content with where I am in life. After all, this IS where God put us.
Today's dare is not reacting in irritation to tough circumstances in our marriage, but rather acting in love. I'm supposed to make a list of areas where I "need to add margin" in my schedule and a list of wrong motivations I need to release from my life.
Wrong motivations, I understand, but I have no idea how to add margin in my schedule for things like more sleep and all that. I'm a mother. I get naps when kiddo does. I also have insomnia, so... it's not because of lack of time for sleep that I'm so tired :(
Now, I DO need to eat more. I totally get that.
Poison.
PS: Mood isn't terrible today. Haven't dealt with hubby more than 1.5 hours today so far. lol
ASK YOUR SPOUSE FOR THREE THINGS THAT MAKE HIM UNCOMFORTABLE OR IRRITATED WITH YOU. DO NOT GET DEFENSIVE OR TRY TO JUSTIFY YOUR ACTIONS.
His responses weren't what I expected at all. In fact, he actually couldn't think of anything right away and had to think about it.
1) He doesn't like the walls I put up around myself.
2) He doesn't like that I seem unhappy with where life turned up.
3) He doesn't like it when I get irritated at him for not going to bed. "But that's just a small thing."
The first two, I completely understood and didn't fight him on them. No problem. The third one, I slipped up and tried to justify it, but shut up before I got too much into it. I understand where he's coming from.
I can't sleep without him, so #3 is going to be very difficult to control.
#1 is impossible by myself. That one is going to take a LOT of prayer.
#2 is a matter of being patient and being completely content with where I am in life. After all, this IS where God put us.
Today's dare is not reacting in irritation to tough circumstances in our marriage, but rather acting in love. I'm supposed to make a list of areas where I "need to add margin" in my schedule and a list of wrong motivations I need to release from my life.
Wrong motivations, I understand, but I have no idea how to add margin in my schedule for things like more sleep and all that. I'm a mother. I get naps when kiddo does. I also have insomnia, so... it's not because of lack of time for sleep that I'm so tired :(
Now, I DO need to eat more. I totally get that.
Poison.
PS: Mood isn't terrible today. Haven't dealt with hubby more than 1.5 hours today so far. lol
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Dare 4
Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them.
Well, he called me. He was at work and he called me yesterday to ask me to stir the chile every couple of hours. Now, how am I supposed to ask him what he wants me to do for him if he calls me to tell me? lol
I told him last night that I had planned to call him during work for no reason. He thought it was really sweet of me.
Oh yeah. I didn't call him because I took a nap and overslept ... oops.
Today's dare is...
I haven't done it. I have to ask him what three things he doesn't like about me basically. :(
Right now, he is at a meeting for work. I've had all day with him and haven't really said anything nice.
I'm so bad at this.
Poison.
Well, he called me. He was at work and he called me yesterday to ask me to stir the chile every couple of hours. Now, how am I supposed to ask him what he wants me to do for him if he calls me to tell me? lol
I told him last night that I had planned to call him during work for no reason. He thought it was really sweet of me.
Oh yeah. I didn't call him because I took a nap and overslept ... oops.
Today's dare is...
I haven't done it. I have to ask him what three things he doesn't like about me basically. :(
Right now, he is at a meeting for work. I've had all day with him and haven't really said anything nice.
I'm so bad at this.
Poison.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Dare 3 Conclusion
So I decided to wear a thong and a matching bra and even dressed up a little and did my makeup. We were going out for shopping, and I don't normally dress up or wear makeup for it, so it was something different. And the thong was going WAY out of my comfort zone haha.
I guess he said I looked pretty when he came in, but I didn't hear him. I kind of felt like I did it for nothing and that he didn't even notice (he told me in bed that he said I looked pretty).
It's hard to do stuff like that, because he likes to stay up late, and I never know when he's going to go to bed. I didn't want my efforts to be wasted, so I ended up staying up till midnight waiting for him to go to bed. Oh well. He said he appreciated it...
Today, I'm supposed to call him at work for no reason other than to see how he's doing and if I can do anything for him (I'll post the dare when I do it). I don't think the author of this thing understands that personal calls are often looked down upon at work. Oh well. I don't think he's gotten in TOO much trouble for talking to me. I'll call him around 5 or so to see if he needs me to do anything. At least then, maybe he'll tell me to do something for dinner haha.
P.
PS: Yesterday was DEFINITELY Monday. Today feels even worse :/
Don't think I'm doing so well in the non-negative department :(
I guess he said I looked pretty when he came in, but I didn't hear him. I kind of felt like I did it for nothing and that he didn't even notice (he told me in bed that he said I looked pretty).
It's hard to do stuff like that, because he likes to stay up late, and I never know when he's going to go to bed. I didn't want my efforts to be wasted, so I ended up staying up till midnight waiting for him to go to bed. Oh well. He said he appreciated it...
Today, I'm supposed to call him at work for no reason other than to see how he's doing and if I can do anything for him (I'll post the dare when I do it). I don't think the author of this thing understands that personal calls are often looked down upon at work. Oh well. I don't think he's gotten in TOO much trouble for talking to me. I'll call him around 5 or so to see if he needs me to do anything. At least then, maybe he'll tell me to do something for dinner haha.
P.
PS: Yesterday was DEFINITELY Monday. Today feels even worse :/
Don't think I'm doing so well in the non-negative department :(
Monday, September 17, 2012
Dare 3
BUY YOUR SPOUSE SOMETHING THAT SAYS "I WAS THINKING OF YOU TODAY."
Makes me wish I had money. I've been racking my brain all day trying to figure out what I could to to replace this. What can I do to say "I was thinking of you today"?
I was lazy today and I should not have been. I was going to clean the whole apartment; like a really good clean. But I didn't. It was the only thing I could think of to do.
Sure, I've got my excuses as to why I didn't do it, but I don't think they are very good.
Guess I'll just have to postpone this one until I can buy him something.
...or maybe I'll get dressed before he gets home and wear a thong. He'd like that. And it would show that I trust him. I hate wearing it and he knows that, so it'd definitely be something that says "I was thinking of you" haha
Poison.
Makes me wish I had money. I've been racking my brain all day trying to figure out what I could to to replace this. What can I do to say "I was thinking of you today"?
I was lazy today and I should not have been. I was going to clean the whole apartment; like a really good clean. But I didn't. It was the only thing I could think of to do.
Sure, I've got my excuses as to why I didn't do it, but I don't think they are very good.
Guess I'll just have to postpone this one until I can buy him something.
...or maybe I'll get dressed before he gets home and wear a thong. He'd like that. And it would show that I trust him. I hate wearing it and he knows that, so it'd definitely be something that says "I was thinking of you" haha
Poison.
Dare #2
Sorry I didn't post anything yesterday. Hubby was home all day, and since this thing is a secret, I couldn't post.
I don't think I did AS well at not saying anything negative, but it wasn't bad. On a scale of 1-10, I was probably around a 5-7, which is better than the 1-4 I usually am. The first day, I'd give myself a 9, to be honest.
I wasn't in as good of a mood either, but I wasn't in a bad mood. I guess yesterday was kind of a mediocre day.
Dare #2
DO SOMETHING NICE & UNEXPECTED
Well, the original plan was to give him a back rub, but he didn't go to bed at the same time as me and I didn't know when he would be in bed, so I decided to sleep nude instead. I don't normally do that because of the window and the cold (and a bunch more excuses). I know it's something he likes, so I did it.
Dare #3 is today's dare.
BUY SOMETHING NICE FOR YOUR SPOUSE
I've got nothing. I mean, we don't have any money. So I'm trying to think of something that I can do for him in place of it that still means the same thing. I've only looked at the dare rather than the "devotional" (for lack of a better word) before it, so we'll see what happens.
And so far, I haven't said anything negative. That I know of. It depends on how he took my gentle nagging this morning trying to get him out the door. I wasn't being mean or anything; just kept reminding him that it was time to go and he really needed to get going.
P.
I don't think I did AS well at not saying anything negative, but it wasn't bad. On a scale of 1-10, I was probably around a 5-7, which is better than the 1-4 I usually am. The first day, I'd give myself a 9, to be honest.
I wasn't in as good of a mood either, but I wasn't in a bad mood. I guess yesterday was kind of a mediocre day.
Dare #2
DO SOMETHING NICE & UNEXPECTED
Well, the original plan was to give him a back rub, but he didn't go to bed at the same time as me and I didn't know when he would be in bed, so I decided to sleep nude instead. I don't normally do that because of the window and the cold (and a bunch more excuses). I know it's something he likes, so I did it.
Dare #3 is today's dare.
BUY SOMETHING NICE FOR YOUR SPOUSE
I've got nothing. I mean, we don't have any money. So I'm trying to think of something that I can do for him in place of it that still means the same thing. I've only looked at the dare rather than the "devotional" (for lack of a better word) before it, so we'll see what happens.
And so far, I haven't said anything negative. That I know of. It depends on how he took my gentle nagging this morning trying to get him out the door. I wasn't being mean or anything; just kept reminding him that it was time to go and he really needed to get going.
P.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
A Gift
I posted on a social network a certain issue that I had... I'm not really happy *surprise!*
Well, she mailed me The Love Dare. I got it today.
My plan is to keep posting about my journey. In a way, it keeps me accountable to doing the book.
So! Today... Day #1
DON'T SAY ANYTHING NEGATIVE TOWARD YOUR SPOUSE.
Now, I've been turning into somewhat of a nag... OK, I'm horrible at it and it's been that way for a while.
This morning, before I got the book, I had to get up early. Well, I'm not a morning person. I remember being cranky and asking him why he put honey in the oatmeal and why he made it so runny.
After I got the book, I haven't said anything negative TO him, though I did have a moment of forgetting about the dare and mumbled something about me being annoyed at hubby... I mumbled it to my son, who could probably care less. It was something as simple as asking hubby to do something while I was doing something else. He played on facebook instead of doing as I asked. *sigh*
BUT... I did not yell at him :) And I told him I wasn't going to.
And when I mentioned a pet peeve of mine towards him and my roommate, I did it as nicely as I could. I simply mentioned that it was becoming annoying and that I would really appreciate it if they would ______ :)
I did good today. We'll see what happens tomorrow. Hopefully I can get a look at the dare without him knowing. He has no idea that I have the book, and I'm really hoping to keep it that way.
P.
PS: I feel good today.
Well, she mailed me The Love Dare. I got it today.
My plan is to keep posting about my journey. In a way, it keeps me accountable to doing the book.
So! Today... Day #1
DON'T SAY ANYTHING NEGATIVE TOWARD YOUR SPOUSE.
Now, I've been turning into somewhat of a nag... OK, I'm horrible at it and it's been that way for a while.
This morning, before I got the book, I had to get up early. Well, I'm not a morning person. I remember being cranky and asking him why he put honey in the oatmeal and why he made it so runny.
After I got the book, I haven't said anything negative TO him, though I did have a moment of forgetting about the dare and mumbled something about me being annoyed at hubby... I mumbled it to my son, who could probably care less. It was something as simple as asking hubby to do something while I was doing something else. He played on facebook instead of doing as I asked. *sigh*
BUT... I did not yell at him :) And I told him I wasn't going to.
And when I mentioned a pet peeve of mine towards him and my roommate, I did it as nicely as I could. I simply mentioned that it was becoming annoying and that I would really appreciate it if they would ______ :)
I did good today. We'll see what happens tomorrow. Hopefully I can get a look at the dare without him knowing. He has no idea that I have the book, and I'm really hoping to keep it that way.
P.
PS: I feel good today.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Looked in the Safe
and I'm not too happy with what I saw.
I had a birthday card from my son's first birthday with $15 in it. It was HIS birthday money. When I looked in the safe to check it (which I do periodically), it was gone. I have ONE guess as to who took it. And I'm very unhappy about it.
He has mentioned taking it before, and I have told him not to. Looks like he did. So now, not only do I owe our roommate at least $100, I also owe my own son $15. And he didn't even need to take the $15. I wish I knew when he did it, but I have a feeling it was done recently. He said he "found $10" yesterday. Grr. Pretty sure I don't believe him.
He says he's trying to earn my trust and I start trusting him, and then he does something like this! Guess I need to find a new hiding place for money. I just thought he wouldn't steal from his own son.
P.
UPDATE: I asked him about it, and he told me that he told me about it. He used it while I was gone because he needed gas money. I told him that if he told me back then, I was probably pissed off at that time, too. He said "yeah." Bleh. Hate money. Can't save anything when we owe more than the paycheck. Rent, electric, heating, gas for the car, car insurance, and of course our tags are expiring this month too. And yes, that's ALL on Friday's check (well, except for heating I guess, though we really should get that turned back on soon). Why? Because we had to buy groceries with this check. We couldn't save anything worth anything :(
I had a birthday card from my son's first birthday with $15 in it. It was HIS birthday money. When I looked in the safe to check it (which I do periodically), it was gone. I have ONE guess as to who took it. And I'm very unhappy about it.
He has mentioned taking it before, and I have told him not to. Looks like he did. So now, not only do I owe our roommate at least $100, I also owe my own son $15. And he didn't even need to take the $15. I wish I knew when he did it, but I have a feeling it was done recently. He said he "found $10" yesterday. Grr. Pretty sure I don't believe him.
He says he's trying to earn my trust and I start trusting him, and then he does something like this! Guess I need to find a new hiding place for money. I just thought he wouldn't steal from his own son.
P.
UPDATE: I asked him about it, and he told me that he told me about it. He used it while I was gone because he needed gas money. I told him that if he told me back then, I was probably pissed off at that time, too. He said "yeah." Bleh. Hate money. Can't save anything when we owe more than the paycheck. Rent, electric, heating, gas for the car, car insurance, and of course our tags are expiring this month too. And yes, that's ALL on Friday's check (well, except for heating I guess, though we really should get that turned back on soon). Why? Because we had to buy groceries with this check. We couldn't save anything worth anything :(
Friday, August 17, 2012
Something Is Going Right
Oh snap! I just remembered that I need to read the verses my husband put on the dry erase board lol.
Why did I remember that? Because things are going right. Hubby is finally stepping up as best he knows how, which isn't perfect, but I don't expect him to be. He is struggling, so the fact that he is actually trying means a lot to me.
Money still sucks right now, and we won't be able to pull half for rent this check like I wanted to. We still have to get our license taken care of too. Which means we will have to advance again next paycheck :( Too much financial crap keeps bringing us down. How are we supposed to save for an emergency fund if there isn't any money to save? And we don't exactly have anything of major value...
BUT we might be able to make a little extra cash this winter. His folks have decided to let us keep my baby Jeep afterall, which is really exciting for me. I was upset when they decided it shouldn't belong to us anymore and then I found out they were talking about scrapping/parting it out. Now, hubby asked about using it to plow with this winter and they are giving it back to us. So now we just have to figure out how to afford to add a plow to the truck.
I'm just happy to be getting my Jeep back lol.
Po1s0n
Why did I remember that? Because things are going right. Hubby is finally stepping up as best he knows how, which isn't perfect, but I don't expect him to be. He is struggling, so the fact that he is actually trying means a lot to me.
Money still sucks right now, and we won't be able to pull half for rent this check like I wanted to. We still have to get our license taken care of too. Which means we will have to advance again next paycheck :( Too much financial crap keeps bringing us down. How are we supposed to save for an emergency fund if there isn't any money to save? And we don't exactly have anything of major value...
BUT we might be able to make a little extra cash this winter. His folks have decided to let us keep my baby Jeep afterall, which is really exciting for me. I was upset when they decided it shouldn't belong to us anymore and then I found out they were talking about scrapping/parting it out. Now, hubby asked about using it to plow with this winter and they are giving it back to us. So now we just have to figure out how to afford to add a plow to the truck.
I'm just happy to be getting my Jeep back lol.
Po1s0n
Friday, August 3, 2012
Numb
I know I'm on my period, so that makes emotions just worse, but right now I am just numb.
Why?
Finances.
Well that and life in general.
My car needs her transmission fixed, but that can wait. Hubby was told of a possible promotion but doesn't think he's going to get it (when I say promotion, I mean the all our problems are solved type promotion). There's water in the apartment that they won't fix. No other apartments are available.
And to top it all off, there's finances. Why did we need to advance before? Why can't his overtime be like that one overtime check? Why did we put so much stock in that damned overtime anyway?
What are we going to eat? What are we going to feed our son?
How are we supposed to afford getting him back from the in-laws?
What are we supposed to do?
We don't even have enough for rent.
We made poor decisions but I didn't think they were THAT bad. (ok the $30 I spent at Hot Topic wasn't necessary)
He thinks it's all his fault and I think it really is about 50/50.
I don't want to have to worry about finances anymore :(
Why?
Finances.
Well that and life in general.
My car needs her transmission fixed, but that can wait. Hubby was told of a possible promotion but doesn't think he's going to get it (when I say promotion, I mean the all our problems are solved type promotion). There's water in the apartment that they won't fix. No other apartments are available.
And to top it all off, there's finances. Why did we need to advance before? Why can't his overtime be like that one overtime check? Why did we put so much stock in that damned overtime anyway?
What are we going to eat? What are we going to feed our son?
How are we supposed to afford getting him back from the in-laws?
What are we supposed to do?
We don't even have enough for rent.
We made poor decisions but I didn't think they were THAT bad. (ok the $30 I spent at Hot Topic wasn't necessary)
He thinks it's all his fault and I think it really is about 50/50.
I don't want to have to worry about finances anymore :(
Friday, July 20, 2012
Ways to NOT be in the Hole
What is the point of a so-called savings card if you keep spending it?
Yes, the car needed fixed. Rent comes first. Save for the repairs. Do NOT cash advance! Oh wait... too late!
I asked you not to spend the money on my card because of the bill it was going toward. What did you do? You spent it! On food! So now, we have nothing extra. Weren't you trying to lose weight?
And we have $2 to our name since you had to advance so much.
Our anniversary? We are staying home, aren't we? So much for all your wonderful plans.
You're bad when I'm home, but you are so much worse when I'm away. I bet you didn't save ANYTHING from the money our roommate gave us. You spent that on going to a movie and on food. I don't even need a transaction list to know that.
And you wonder why I can't trust you with money.
Yes, the car needed fixed. Rent comes first. Save for the repairs. Do NOT cash advance! Oh wait... too late!
I asked you not to spend the money on my card because of the bill it was going toward. What did you do? You spent it! On food! So now, we have nothing extra. Weren't you trying to lose weight?
And we have $2 to our name since you had to advance so much.
Our anniversary? We are staying home, aren't we? So much for all your wonderful plans.
You're bad when I'm home, but you are so much worse when I'm away. I bet you didn't save ANYTHING from the money our roommate gave us. You spent that on going to a movie and on food. I don't even need a transaction list to know that.
And you wonder why I can't trust you with money.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Trust
So the plan is that I'm staying and kiddo is going to the in laws the day after I get back. Then, hubby wants us moved within a week to God only knows where since we haven't found a place yet and have no money for a deposit.
And supposedly I'm supposed to have a lot of trust in a guy that cheated on me once (ok it was a long time ago, but still) and says things but doesn't do them. He admits that he has a lying problem as well as a problem with money. But I'm supposed to put all of my trust in him. Right. That makes a heck of a lot of sense.
He can make every excuse in the book about not fixing my car but will fix his friend's car. And I'm supposed to trust that my car will actually get fixed next week when it was supposed to already be done.
I try to walk on eggshells for this man so I don't hurt his feelings, but no matter what I do, it's wrong.
His FB "got hacked" (again, I just have to trust that's the reason he changed his email and password without telling me anything about getting hacked) and he couldn't figure out what they did on it. I saw that his relationship status was completely missing on his profile, so I sent a relationship request for him to confirm that I was married to him. He never confirmed it. Today, I asked him why and he got all defensive about how the only thing that matters is that WE know. It's nobody's business but ours. So I took mine off and told him. He was all talk about how if it was that upsetting to me I should have just told him how important it was to me. I never said it was that important. OK, yeah I'm a bit paranoid (again, I've been cheated on and he hung out with the gal again a couple of years later while I was away from home; I think I have a right to be a little weary) but I never said that it made me angry. He said I was mad. He said it was important to me. He also made it perfectly clear that it was not important to him. So I made my relationship status only visible to me and added that I was interested in men. Just to see how important it really was to him. I find it interesting that he can hide his status but got upset (making it out to be that I was the one upset, of course) when I hid mine. But when I hacked into his profile, there were no emails from a certain ex of his and she was still blocked as well as some of her family. There is no evidence of him cheating on me, but some of the things he does just rubs me the wrong way. I know I'm not the wife he wants (though he says otherwise) so it makes me a little scared that he is going to cheat on me to get what I can't give him. And he is more likely to do that when I'm away from home.
That's another thing. He kept pushing for me to stay longer. At one point, he was trying to convince me to stay for 6 months. Umm. NO! His reasoning? So that he could learn to control himself with money, get us financially stable, and have me trust him again. Right. Because that makes perfect sense. Whatever. And then there was the mold situation and he asked me to stay for another month so that he could find us a place to live. We decided not to go with that plan, and instead... Well, just reread the beginning of the post.
Po1s0n
And supposedly I'm supposed to have a lot of trust in a guy that cheated on me once (ok it was a long time ago, but still) and says things but doesn't do them. He admits that he has a lying problem as well as a problem with money. But I'm supposed to put all of my trust in him. Right. That makes a heck of a lot of sense.
He can make every excuse in the book about not fixing my car but will fix his friend's car. And I'm supposed to trust that my car will actually get fixed next week when it was supposed to already be done.
I try to walk on eggshells for this man so I don't hurt his feelings, but no matter what I do, it's wrong.
His FB "got hacked" (again, I just have to trust that's the reason he changed his email and password without telling me anything about getting hacked) and he couldn't figure out what they did on it. I saw that his relationship status was completely missing on his profile, so I sent a relationship request for him to confirm that I was married to him. He never confirmed it. Today, I asked him why and he got all defensive about how the only thing that matters is that WE know. It's nobody's business but ours. So I took mine off and told him. He was all talk about how if it was that upsetting to me I should have just told him how important it was to me. I never said it was that important. OK, yeah I'm a bit paranoid (again, I've been cheated on and he hung out with the gal again a couple of years later while I was away from home; I think I have a right to be a little weary) but I never said that it made me angry. He said I was mad. He said it was important to me. He also made it perfectly clear that it was not important to him. So I made my relationship status only visible to me and added that I was interested in men. Just to see how important it really was to him. I find it interesting that he can hide his status but got upset (making it out to be that I was the one upset, of course) when I hid mine. But when I hacked into his profile, there were no emails from a certain ex of his and she was still blocked as well as some of her family. There is no evidence of him cheating on me, but some of the things he does just rubs me the wrong way. I know I'm not the wife he wants (though he says otherwise) so it makes me a little scared that he is going to cheat on me to get what I can't give him. And he is more likely to do that when I'm away from home.
That's another thing. He kept pushing for me to stay longer. At one point, he was trying to convince me to stay for 6 months. Umm. NO! His reasoning? So that he could learn to control himself with money, get us financially stable, and have me trust him again. Right. Because that makes perfect sense. Whatever. And then there was the mold situation and he asked me to stay for another month so that he could find us a place to live. We decided not to go with that plan, and instead... Well, just reread the beginning of the post.
Po1s0n
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
F You, Life!
Oh joy...
3rd Year Anniversary is next week. I probably will NOT be home. I'm already in MO longer than planned and now it will be even LONGER!
Why do I feel that if we miss this anniversary, we're done???
But no, it's a completely logical reason for me to stay: Mold.
Yup! Mold. Our apartment is basically flooding, and there is mold in my son's room. Which means, he can't come home. Which means I can't come home.
Yay!
3rd Year Anniversary is next week. I probably will NOT be home. I'm already in MO longer than planned and now it will be even LONGER!
Why do I feel that if we miss this anniversary, we're done???
But no, it's a completely logical reason for me to stay: Mold.
Yup! Mold. Our apartment is basically flooding, and there is mold in my son's room. Which means, he can't come home. Which means I can't come home.
Yay!
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Waiting for a Sign
I'm so tired of sitting,
waiting...
Searching for any kind of sign
with great big flashing neon lights
"GO HERE!!!"
I'm waiting for the Finger of God
to point my direction
I'd rather cower in the same place
than take that dreaded leap of faith
I'm terrified
of what I think is right
I'd rather cower here alone
than make a sudden move
afraid to stimulate something other than myself
even for my own good
I'm tired of sitting,
waiting...
Searching for elusive signs
with great big flashing neon lights
I'm tired of waiting on the Finger of God
to point my direction
But I'm too terrified
of what I think is right
Too scared not to cower in the same old place
and take that dreaded leap of faith
waiting...
Searching for any kind of sign
with great big flashing neon lights
"GO HERE!!!"
I'm waiting for the Finger of God
to point my direction
I'd rather cower in the same place
than take that dreaded leap of faith
I'm terrified
of what I think is right
I'd rather cower here alone
than make a sudden move
afraid to stimulate something other than myself
even for my own good
I'm tired of sitting,
waiting...
Searching for elusive signs
with great big flashing neon lights
I'm tired of waiting on the Finger of God
to point my direction
But I'm too terrified
of what I think is right
Too scared not to cower in the same old place
and take that dreaded leap of faith
Monday, June 11, 2012
Maybe Not My Dream Home...
It is so hard to think that God is moving you in the direction you had hoped for only to be jerked back by the leash and told "No" and then to trot back happily like nothing ever happened.
I wanted this job so bad. It was a receptionist job in my favorite city in the world. The moment she realized I had a non-driver's ID and did not have an actual license was the moment I had dreaded for the last few days. Her whole attitude shifted and suddenly, she was not a nice lady. I was told to leave my application (yeah, so much for the interview I was supposed to have) with a receptionist and see my way out. "She'll call you." I am 95% sure I am not getting this job. And this is the first "interview" I have had since I worked at Wal-Mart in 2010. Not for lack of trying, of course.
Oh well. I sent an email thanking her for her time (not that she actually gave me any) and asked to be notified of whether I would or would not be chosen for further evaluation. I doubt I will actually get an email back, but I tried.
I totally thought that this would be a God thing and that things would just miraculously fall into place. We're not the only ones who feel that Omaha is where we need to be. I applied and the same day got an email back about my availability for an interview. Surely, it had to be God! I put so much work into this only to be shot down and have my time and the time of my friend wasted. I'm sure she thought she was being nice by not telling me "never mind about it; we really need people with valid driver's licenses" and letting me fill out the application (of which I had to find my own pen. And that's another thing; she didn't even confirm the interview. I had to call her.) but I would have rather her tell me the truth.
Anyway, he hasn't posted anything on facebook yet (he is still waiting for confirmation) but hubby might be getting a different job and possibly working at his current job part time to help out. He will be working all week long, but it will be shift work and more money with both jobs. This is an exciting prospect that we had all but given up completely on. But now it's the waiting game again.
I just don't know how to praise God still when He purposely brought my hopes up and slammed them back down (on my monthly at that). It's hard not to be so disheartened when this is the only call-back I have gotten in two years. Yeah the hubby is willing to work two jobs, but it's not even the finances that make me strive to work. It's being absolutely stir crazy and having no human interaction most of the time except for those that I live with. I want adult interaction! Not immature boy and toddler interaction with a dose of my husband on the side! Hubby tries to fix things by telling me to go hang out with my only female friend in Lincoln who happens to be a mother of 3 and her husband works all the time. Or says he wishes my car worked better and that I could drive to Omaha to see my friends or that he wished they would come up more often. It would be easier if we actually lived near said friends.
I have nothing else to say...
Po1s0n.
I wanted this job so bad. It was a receptionist job in my favorite city in the world. The moment she realized I had a non-driver's ID and did not have an actual license was the moment I had dreaded for the last few days. Her whole attitude shifted and suddenly, she was not a nice lady. I was told to leave my application (yeah, so much for the interview I was supposed to have) with a receptionist and see my way out. "She'll call you." I am 95% sure I am not getting this job. And this is the first "interview" I have had since I worked at Wal-Mart in 2010. Not for lack of trying, of course.
Oh well. I sent an email thanking her for her time (not that she actually gave me any) and asked to be notified of whether I would or would not be chosen for further evaluation. I doubt I will actually get an email back, but I tried.
I totally thought that this would be a God thing and that things would just miraculously fall into place. We're not the only ones who feel that Omaha is where we need to be. I applied and the same day got an email back about my availability for an interview. Surely, it had to be God! I put so much work into this only to be shot down and have my time and the time of my friend wasted. I'm sure she thought she was being nice by not telling me "never mind about it; we really need people with valid driver's licenses" and letting me fill out the application (of which I had to find my own pen. And that's another thing; she didn't even confirm the interview. I had to call her.) but I would have rather her tell me the truth.
Anyway, he hasn't posted anything on facebook yet (he is still waiting for confirmation) but hubby might be getting a different job and possibly working at his current job part time to help out. He will be working all week long, but it will be shift work and more money with both jobs. This is an exciting prospect that we had all but given up completely on. But now it's the waiting game again.
I just don't know how to praise God still when He purposely brought my hopes up and slammed them back down (on my monthly at that). It's hard not to be so disheartened when this is the only call-back I have gotten in two years. Yeah the hubby is willing to work two jobs, but it's not even the finances that make me strive to work. It's being absolutely stir crazy and having no human interaction most of the time except for those that I live with. I want adult interaction! Not immature boy and toddler interaction with a dose of my husband on the side! Hubby tries to fix things by telling me to go hang out with my only female friend in Lincoln who happens to be a mother of 3 and her husband works all the time. Or says he wishes my car worked better and that I could drive to Omaha to see my friends or that he wished they would come up more often. It would be easier if we actually lived near said friends.
I have nothing else to say...
Po1s0n.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Are You Captivated by Yourself?
First off, I have been gone too long. I get back, and there's a new look and everything. (In my opinion, it wasn't broke to begin with, but I do like the expanded views of my followed bloggers' recent posts).
Secondly, and most importantly, I have been reading <u>Captivating</u> by John and Stasi Eldredge (authors of <u>Wild At Heart</u>). Honestly, I think I have been reading it too fast. When I first began this book, I was in college. I didn't get very far into it. Now, I'm about halfway through it and am not sure I've caught much more than "Beauty is everything" and "If you have parent issues, you have beauty issues."
I have parent issues. But there <i>has</i> to be something deeper than just that. Before, I went from guy to guy to guy (which they include as a symptom of not feeling very "captivating"). Now, my husband is lucky if I even flirt with him. What is wrong with me?
Was it my miscarriage years ago that made me turn so cold? The authors did mention that a distrust in God could cause these issues. ...Or is it more?
Honestly, I see myself as more attractive with clothes on. I don't "hide" behind layers of makeup or make myself unappealing on purpose (in HS I might have, and when I was working I definitely did). I just don't see how stretch marks and baby belly flab are beautiful. As my good friend said: "I think guys see us like we see ourselves without our glasses on." She then took off her glasses and proclaimed, "Oh look! Boobs!"
Naturally, we joked about this. For me, all I see is a blur anyway without my glasses. Seeing as how my husband doesn't wear his glasses to bed, I can see this. However, he also tells me I am beautiful and sexy when he has his glasses on. And for some reason, unlike <i>most</i> girls, I throw a cold shoulder his way and scoff at him. I figure most girls take the compliment and gush and blush at how marvelous it is that their husband loves them how they look; even in sweats and tired from the day.
So the answer to my own question is No. I do not feel captivated by myself. And when my own husband pours his love and words over me, I tell him to shut it. I don't want to hear it. Ever. But when his friends (or even my gal friends) say the same words to me, I take it happily. Why?
I get that a part of me is hiding and protecting myself. It has been for a while. I just don't know how to comfort that part and tell her that it's really going to be okay. Even if it isn't for a while, it will be. Yeah, you're scared. But sometimes, you just gotta face your fears. Stop locking yourself up in this steel cocoon and let yourself enjoy life.
Poison.
Secondly, and most importantly, I have been reading <u>Captivating</u> by John and Stasi Eldredge (authors of <u>Wild At Heart</u>). Honestly, I think I have been reading it too fast. When I first began this book, I was in college. I didn't get very far into it. Now, I'm about halfway through it and am not sure I've caught much more than "Beauty is everything" and "If you have parent issues, you have beauty issues."
I have parent issues. But there <i>has</i> to be something deeper than just that. Before, I went from guy to guy to guy (which they include as a symptom of not feeling very "captivating"). Now, my husband is lucky if I even flirt with him. What is wrong with me?
Was it my miscarriage years ago that made me turn so cold? The authors did mention that a distrust in God could cause these issues. ...Or is it more?
Honestly, I see myself as more attractive with clothes on. I don't "hide" behind layers of makeup or make myself unappealing on purpose (in HS I might have, and when I was working I definitely did). I just don't see how stretch marks and baby belly flab are beautiful. As my good friend said: "I think guys see us like we see ourselves without our glasses on." She then took off her glasses and proclaimed, "Oh look! Boobs!"
Naturally, we joked about this. For me, all I see is a blur anyway without my glasses. Seeing as how my husband doesn't wear his glasses to bed, I can see this. However, he also tells me I am beautiful and sexy when he has his glasses on. And for some reason, unlike <i>most</i> girls, I throw a cold shoulder his way and scoff at him. I figure most girls take the compliment and gush and blush at how marvelous it is that their husband loves them how they look; even in sweats and tired from the day.
So the answer to my own question is No. I do not feel captivated by myself. And when my own husband pours his love and words over me, I tell him to shut it. I don't want to hear it. Ever. But when his friends (or even my gal friends) say the same words to me, I take it happily. Why?
I get that a part of me is hiding and protecting myself. It has been for a while. I just don't know how to comfort that part and tell her that it's really going to be okay. Even if it isn't for a while, it will be. Yeah, you're scared. But sometimes, you just gotta face your fears. Stop locking yourself up in this steel cocoon and let yourself enjoy life.
Poison.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Who Is Selfish?
Who is selfish? Who is right in being selfish? Him? Me? Are we both supposed to be patient for only God knows what? Or is one of us supposed to be able to achieve his/her goals and dreams before the other? Or maybe, the both of us are supposed to just go at it, no matter the consequences?
I am tight when it comes to money. Not as tight as I should be at times, but usually when DH wants to buy something that isn't necessary.
He wants to browse stores, and I don't see the point of browsing if I'm not going to pay for anything like that anyway.
He wants to start a business, and I believe in not doing something that needs a financially responsible leader when we are still in debt.
He has such high hopes and dreams and I always get the feeling that he is going to go for them RIGHT NOW. When I tell him to wait and tell him why, he gets so frustrated.
What he doesn't understand (and what I haven't been able to convey properly, I guess) is that I have hopes and dreams too... I really want to get back to Grace University. Not that it really matters much, since all of my friends are gone from there anyway (well, most of them). Or will be come May of this year. I guess I really liked the professors and .. well, I just liked the school. I miss it. I miss the Biblical classes. OK, so go to a different one. No... Go to SCC to get your general eds. It just doesn't feel right! Community and Technial colleges just don't feel right. Either, really, can any school other than Grace. And I hate that! I ruined something good and am having a hard time simply waiting. Grace doesn't offer daycare for students. So I have to wait until Malachi is in school. Otherwise, I will just have to find something else online... And probably have something come up where I can't complete it.. again.
I wish things were simple. I hate that I'm so frustrated every time DH wants to go for his dreams. All because I can't. Well, that and money.
I am tight when it comes to money. Not as tight as I should be at times, but usually when DH wants to buy something that isn't necessary.
He wants to browse stores, and I don't see the point of browsing if I'm not going to pay for anything like that anyway.
He wants to start a business, and I believe in not doing something that needs a financially responsible leader when we are still in debt.
He has such high hopes and dreams and I always get the feeling that he is going to go for them RIGHT NOW. When I tell him to wait and tell him why, he gets so frustrated.
What he doesn't understand (and what I haven't been able to convey properly, I guess) is that I have hopes and dreams too... I really want to get back to Grace University. Not that it really matters much, since all of my friends are gone from there anyway (well, most of them). Or will be come May of this year. I guess I really liked the professors and .. well, I just liked the school. I miss it. I miss the Biblical classes. OK, so go to a different one. No... Go to SCC to get your general eds. It just doesn't feel right! Community and Technial colleges just don't feel right. Either, really, can any school other than Grace. And I hate that! I ruined something good and am having a hard time simply waiting. Grace doesn't offer daycare for students. So I have to wait until Malachi is in school. Otherwise, I will just have to find something else online... And probably have something come up where I can't complete it.. again.
I wish things were simple. I hate that I'm so frustrated every time DH wants to go for his dreams. All because I can't. Well, that and money.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
It's a Long Way From Now But...
I am still going through this debate in my head. To have another child or to be done with it at one. I told my husband that I would give him an answer when our son was 6 months old, but that was 6 months ago! I think I told him to hold off on the vasectomy because I still didn't know. Part of me still really wants a little girl someday but the other part of me is really happy with having just one kid. And if we get financially okay, we can foster and adopt children later. It's not the same as having our own, but that's also a plus side. No pregnancy; no labor! Sure, we know what we're getting ourselves into by knowing our own gene pools and medical history, but I've always wanted to adopt.
I haven't really talked to DH about all of this yet, since it's kind of a recent thought development. For some reason, I was thinking about it yesterday and today. We both want a little girl someday...
MIL is not happy with us even thinking about a vasectomy. She was only able to have one child, so she feels we are messing with fate or whatever. My thoughts are simple: God can still let a fixed man get a woman pregnant. I'm still having mixed feelings about it.
I guess it's "whatever happens, happens."
Po1s0n.
I haven't really talked to DH about all of this yet, since it's kind of a recent thought development. For some reason, I was thinking about it yesterday and today. We both want a little girl someday...
MIL is not happy with us even thinking about a vasectomy. She was only able to have one child, so she feels we are messing with fate or whatever. My thoughts are simple: God can still let a fixed man get a woman pregnant. I'm still having mixed feelings about it.
I guess it's "whatever happens, happens."
Po1s0n.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Yay! Hormones!
It's nearing that time of month again (yeah, I know, TMI lol). The time of month where I'm angry at everything (oh wait, isn't that always?), sad/depressed about everything (again, ...always?), etc. OK I cried at every single "sad" part in the 1st season of Digimon today. Well, I teared up. Close enough.
Yay for making my depression worse, hormones. Yay for making me tired with headaches.
To top it off, we spent money from our emergency fund that we were supposed to be saving up :( We went from like $600 to a little over $200 in just a few days. How does that even happen? Incidentally, my husband is probably unable to do what he has been wanting to for several months now AND no marriage retreat/conference for us :(
BUT, he might be able to go still. To HIS thing. HE gets to go to the gym (not that I've been very motivated lately). HE gets to go look at schools and think about his future (not that I'm being very open-minded about schools I want to go to, but the point is HE will be able to go). HE gets to make money and provide so why should I care? He is only trying to better himself to better our family and finances... ...right?
I feel selfish for being jealous. He feels selfish for, well, being selfish. I'm a stay at home mom who hasn't been single since at least 16 years old. When I got married, I adapted my lifestyle to fit his (well, I started that when we were dating I guess). I never really took the time to know my own dreams. It's not anyone's fault that he has ideas to go on to find himself and I don't. At the same time, it's both of ours. We screwed up the thing I want most. To be at the school I started at.
I want to go back there for Psychology but fear I burned that bridge. I want to help teenagers, but I'm just a hypocrite (insert self-doubt here).
He has so many ideas that he has no idea which one he is being called to do. I have one and no way to accomplish it. Yet I feel it's what God is calling me to do. I just don't know how.
God, you know I hate having to be patient. Honestly, I feel like it will never happen. And I should just be happy being a wife and mother. I should just be happy with them being the only life I really have.
Po1s0n.
Yay for making my depression worse, hormones. Yay for making me tired with headaches.
To top it off, we spent money from our emergency fund that we were supposed to be saving up :( We went from like $600 to a little over $200 in just a few days. How does that even happen? Incidentally, my husband is probably unable to do what he has been wanting to for several months now AND no marriage retreat/conference for us :(
BUT, he might be able to go still. To HIS thing. HE gets to go to the gym (not that I've been very motivated lately). HE gets to go look at schools and think about his future (not that I'm being very open-minded about schools I want to go to, but the point is HE will be able to go). HE gets to make money and provide so why should I care? He is only trying to better himself to better our family and finances... ...right?
I feel selfish for being jealous. He feels selfish for, well, being selfish. I'm a stay at home mom who hasn't been single since at least 16 years old. When I got married, I adapted my lifestyle to fit his (well, I started that when we were dating I guess). I never really took the time to know my own dreams. It's not anyone's fault that he has ideas to go on to find himself and I don't. At the same time, it's both of ours. We screwed up the thing I want most. To be at the school I started at.
I want to go back there for Psychology but fear I burned that bridge. I want to help teenagers, but I'm just a hypocrite (insert self-doubt here).
He has so many ideas that he has no idea which one he is being called to do. I have one and no way to accomplish it. Yet I feel it's what God is calling me to do. I just don't know how.
God, you know I hate having to be patient. Honestly, I feel like it will never happen. And I should just be happy being a wife and mother. I should just be happy with them being the only life I really have.
Po1s0n.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
"Friend"
I have finally removed you from my friends list. I hate seeing your name when you update your statuses. I hate seeing you comment on my husband's posts. And I hate when you do all of this but ignore me.
I thought we were friends.
Why should I be upset? You and him were friends long before you and I started talking. You even shared something deeper with him before letting him go because he had a broken family. Yet when we talked, it was as if you just wanted to get closer to him. You visited ONCE while he and I were dating but NEVER when we were married. You dropped off the face of the Earth blocking both of us out of your lives and then came back like all was fine. Except it wasn't. You began talking to him but would only ask how I was... and then not wait long enough for the answer. I replied back to your posts and comments. You never even hit "like".
I thought we were friends.
I'm finding out more and more that I was wrong. You called me "friend" but you never meant it. You broke my heart but never cared. I watched you tear yourself apart going from guy to guy to guy without even a day in between. I knew you were just setting yourself up to be hurt but never said a word for fear of making you upset. During that time, you never said two words to me. And that's fine.
You don't think of my husband as more than one. You think of him as just him. You tell him you miss HIM not US. You tell him you wish you could hang with HIM not US. I get it.
I will not be upset if you talk to him. I'm done.
Po1s0n
I thought we were friends.
Why should I be upset? You and him were friends long before you and I started talking. You even shared something deeper with him before letting him go because he had a broken family. Yet when we talked, it was as if you just wanted to get closer to him. You visited ONCE while he and I were dating but NEVER when we were married. You dropped off the face of the Earth blocking both of us out of your lives and then came back like all was fine. Except it wasn't. You began talking to him but would only ask how I was... and then not wait long enough for the answer. I replied back to your posts and comments. You never even hit "like".
I thought we were friends.
I'm finding out more and more that I was wrong. You called me "friend" but you never meant it. You broke my heart but never cared. I watched you tear yourself apart going from guy to guy to guy without even a day in between. I knew you were just setting yourself up to be hurt but never said a word for fear of making you upset. During that time, you never said two words to me. And that's fine.
You don't think of my husband as more than one. You think of him as just him. You tell him you miss HIM not US. You tell him you wish you could hang with HIM not US. I get it.
I will not be upset if you talk to him. I'm done.
Po1s0n
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
God's Word [to me] Spoken By Someone Else
http://godthoughtsforlife.blogspot.com/2012/02/self-doubt.html
This link up there that I just pasted is written from someone whose blog I am following. It's also EXACTLY how I feel. ALL the time. Not just every once in a while. Always.
Why are we struggling so hard to get by? Those people over there and those over there and those over there (you get the message)... THEY'RE all fine! THEY are happy! THEY'RE not struggling! (granted, we all look happy on the outside, don't we?)
When my husband says all of this, I always tell him, "Yeah, well those people are also in mountains of debt from credit cards." Though not all of them are, it makes ME feel better.
We are trying so hard to live right and be faithful and all that wonderful spiritual blah blah blah. Yet when I go to bed at night, I wonder ... "Wouldn't it just be easier to give up on God? Wouldn't it just be easier to deny Him?"
The answer, of course, is no. I can't deny Someone who has been there through literally EVERYTHING I have. I can't deny Him anymore than I could deny my own existence. I know He is real and there... It's just hard being a follower.
So my friend who wrote that blog... I know exactly how she feels. Thank you for writing that blog. Love you, sis.
Po1s0n.
This link up there that I just pasted is written from someone whose blog I am following. It's also EXACTLY how I feel. ALL the time. Not just every once in a while. Always.
Why are we struggling so hard to get by? Those people over there and those over there and those over there (you get the message)... THEY'RE all fine! THEY are happy! THEY'RE not struggling! (granted, we all look happy on the outside, don't we?)
When my husband says all of this, I always tell him, "Yeah, well those people are also in mountains of debt from credit cards." Though not all of them are, it makes ME feel better.
We are trying so hard to live right and be faithful and all that wonderful spiritual blah blah blah. Yet when I go to bed at night, I wonder ... "Wouldn't it just be easier to give up on God? Wouldn't it just be easier to deny Him?"
The answer, of course, is no. I can't deny Someone who has been there through literally EVERYTHING I have. I can't deny Him anymore than I could deny my own existence. I know He is real and there... It's just hard being a follower.
So my friend who wrote that blog... I know exactly how she feels. Thank you for writing that blog. Love you, sis.
Po1s0n.
Monday, February 20, 2012
I Was Born This Way
Don't hate me for taking your guy
I can't help that I'm a slut
I was born this way!
I can't help that God
made me attracted to little children
Don't hate me
I was born this way!
I was born to enjoy
someone else's pain
I was born to enjoy
blood as I'm killing
I was born to put on female clothes
and be a drag queen
Don't hate me
God made me this way!
I have no love for the opposite sex
So I must be gay
Don't hate me
I was born this way!
~Po1s0n
I can't help that I'm a slut
I was born this way!
I can't help that God
made me attracted to little children
Don't hate me
I was born this way!
I was born to enjoy
someone else's pain
I was born to enjoy
blood as I'm killing
I was born to put on female clothes
and be a drag queen
Don't hate me
God made me this way!
I have no love for the opposite sex
So I must be gay
Don't hate me
I was born this way!
~Po1s0n
Monday, February 6, 2012
LOL I Must Be Emotionally Disturbed
Going through my mind when I have ideas for things to write about... Hmm... Let's just say if I told a shrink all my ideas for writing, they would probably ask if I've ever been molested.
Why?
Well, I had this story back in '08 about a gal in a sex mansion. It wasn't my only one but it was the one that had the most written in it. Obviously, it's not finished (like all of my stories lol)
Now, I have an idea about a girl molested at a young age and grew to believe that men were supposed to be that way--total jerks who only wanted sex. I haven't written anything down. Mainly because I want to know what goes through kids' minds when they all decide to bully the same kid who is not majorly different in any way. If people would answer the question about why they constantly bullied me, I'd have my answer... -_-
Oy, I have a Po1s0ned mind...
Why?
Well, I had this story back in '08 about a gal in a sex mansion. It wasn't my only one but it was the one that had the most written in it. Obviously, it's not finished (like all of my stories lol)
Now, I have an idea about a girl molested at a young age and grew to believe that men were supposed to be that way--total jerks who only wanted sex. I haven't written anything down. Mainly because I want to know what goes through kids' minds when they all decide to bully the same kid who is not majorly different in any way. If people would answer the question about why they constantly bullied me, I'd have my answer... -_-
Oy, I have a Po1s0ned mind...
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Home. Out of Stress into Stress.
First off, let me apologize for any future typos I may miss during this blog. I don't have my mousepad shut off and I keep accidentally hitting it. I also have my son bugging me and trying to hit my computer lol.
"I want you to be 100% mine in everything." He went on with a list of things including "emotionally". I didn't realize how much I wished he would allow me to give him 100% of myself emotionally until about a week or so before I came home. I was really depressed and <i>really</i> wanted to talk to him about it. I brought it up... and he basically ignored me. He went on about ideas for school and what he can do after that... I've heard a million different ideas for his future a million different times. He went on and on and on and on about it, and... I shut down. I said my "yeah"s in all the right places but I didn't care. Instead, I just messaged my friend about it during the conversation. My husband knew I was depressed and didn't care.
I've been gone for way too long. Before I left, we were able to have normal conversations. Now? Good luck talking about something other than gaming. All day long, he can go on and on about cards he needs or games he wants to play. I. Don't. Care. Sure, I play once in a while. But that's not what I want to talk about All. Day. Long. No thanks. I'll just go talk to my other friends. Oh yeah... that is if their online.
I just lost someone dear to me and I haven't even been able to grieve. I'm a parent. My life revolves around my husband and my son. I've been busy taking care of my son and listening to stupid stuff from my husband who doesn't seem to care at all about anything other than gaming now that I'm home. I haven't been able to lean into my husband and cry. I tried to tell him how I feel and got... nothing. I mean, I think I got the "I'm sorry you feel that way" sympathy for like maybe a full 5 minutes. But that's it. Yay for me.
Anyway, I'm sure I'll snap at him soon enough; especially if all he talks about is gaming when he gets home.
Po1s0n.
"I want you to be 100% mine in everything." He went on with a list of things including "emotionally". I didn't realize how much I wished he would allow me to give him 100% of myself emotionally until about a week or so before I came home. I was really depressed and <i>really</i> wanted to talk to him about it. I brought it up... and he basically ignored me. He went on about ideas for school and what he can do after that... I've heard a million different ideas for his future a million different times. He went on and on and on and on about it, and... I shut down. I said my "yeah"s in all the right places but I didn't care. Instead, I just messaged my friend about it during the conversation. My husband knew I was depressed and didn't care.
I've been gone for way too long. Before I left, we were able to have normal conversations. Now? Good luck talking about something other than gaming. All day long, he can go on and on about cards he needs or games he wants to play. I. Don't. Care. Sure, I play once in a while. But that's not what I want to talk about All. Day. Long. No thanks. I'll just go talk to my other friends. Oh yeah... that is if their online.
I just lost someone dear to me and I haven't even been able to grieve. I'm a parent. My life revolves around my husband and my son. I've been busy taking care of my son and listening to stupid stuff from my husband who doesn't seem to care at all about anything other than gaming now that I'm home. I haven't been able to lean into my husband and cry. I tried to tell him how I feel and got... nothing. I mean, I think I got the "I'm sorry you feel that way" sympathy for like maybe a full 5 minutes. But that's it. Yay for me.
Anyway, I'm sure I'll snap at him soon enough; especially if all he talks about is gaming when he gets home.
Po1s0n.
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